Page H4
Hilarion
The Hilarion \ April 1,2018
Domesticating white squirreis
By Mary Lewe
Pet Detective
Students on campus have begun attempts to
domesticate local white squirrels.
In recent years, BC has seen a dramatic
increase in emotional support animals on
campus - mostly cats and dogs - but now
students are looking to have a more homegrown
pet experience.
The white squirrels came to Brevard over 100
years ago when they hitched a ride with a circus
headed toward the local Rockbrook Camp for
Girls. The squirrels were trained as acrobats and
were treated as slave. However, they quickly
set themselves free from the confines of their
cages and began new lives.
More recent generations of white squirrels
have taken to begging tourists for bites of their
Dolly’s ice cream, hanging out in the pockets of
friendly elderly hikers and even communicating
in a secret language with the other local grey
squirrels, with whom they interbreed.
BC students got the idea for domesticating
the squirrels after the angelic little creatures
began hanging outside Myers Dining Hall and
Coltrane begging for food. The students who
fed the squirrels were then followed back to
their dorms, where the squirrels would await
their return patiently.
As it turns out, white squirrels are as loyal
as golden retrievers, only bonding with one
student. When other students attempt to feed a
squirrel who has already bonded with a master,
it will actually chase the students, making loud
hissing and chattering sounds.
Dr. Jennifer Frick-Ruppert says that this is
a lower masting year when it comes to the
typical acorns that feed our beautiful squirrel
population. In other words, the squirrels were
probably starving. Without the kindness of
BC students, the population would likely be
in decline.
Sadly, the beautiful bond between student and
squirrel has a dark side.
The white squirrels who have found loving
owners on campus are suffering from obesity
due to the high-calorie food found in the Dining
Hall and Coltrane. Many have lost mobility
and have taken to be carried around campus by
their owners.
“I try to walk him every day, but he’s so lazy
sometimes he will simply lay down and refuse!”
one student said about his beloved squirrel. “I
get back from classes and he has been napping
all day, or making a nest in my t-shirt drawer.
I’m getting worried.”
Some students of the ecology department say
that domestication is harmful to the squirrels,
and could actually affect their breeding. But
many of the locals say that this is nothing short
of normal here in Brevard.
“We been keeping squirrels for as long as I can
remember, and I’ve been here a long time,” one
community member shared. “I honestly can’t
imagine my life without these beautiful squirrels.
“You know we’re the only place that’s got
‘em?” he continued.
Despite the detriment to the health of the
squirrels, the Office of Residence Life is
continuing to receive applications for emotional
support squirrels daily. Students should make
sure their pets are getting adequate exercise and
are being fed an appropriate squirrel diet from
the cafeteria and Coltrate, consisting mostly of
vegetables, fruits and nuts.
Chief (picture above) enjoying a snack beneath a beautifui tree before returning to his home in Green Haii.
Easter Sunday
reenactment
By Morgan Shepard
President of the Flat Earth Society
Over Easter weekend, a man named Nathaniel
“Nate” Albertson entered into Curled Cave
on Good Friday and would not emerge until
Easter day.
When asked his reasoning behind staying in
the cave for three days, his response was, “I just
wanted to try and recreate Jesus’ resurrection.
Jesus fooled everyone thinking he was dead,
and he walked out and was like ‘Surprise Satan!
I’m not dead!’ and I thought that was cool so I
wanted to do it myself.”
Nobody thought Nate was dead, they only
thought he was crazy for trying to formulate
his plan.
Nate emerged on Easter, unharmed, only a bit
dirty and hungry. His first words upon coming
out of the cave were, “Who do I have to kill
around here to get some french fries?!”
Authorities have advised anybody for future
years to not try and recreate Jesus’ resurrection.
Curled Cave and other surrounding caves, will
be blocked off for Easter in the coming years, to
avoid this from happening again.
'Ultimate
Brevard' turned
on its head after
Chisholm banned
By Mary Lewe
Media Expect
Jimmy Chisolm, the administrator of
local Facebook group “Ultimate Brevard
(Unmonitored)” has been banned after a nude
photo he posted was reported.
Chisolm created the group after being
repeatedly banned and “censored” in other
groups on the website.
Chisolm was reportedly removed from
Facebook for a period of thirty days after a
photograph of him posing nude wearing only a
red baseball cap next to his beloved cow, Darcy,
was reported by a member of the group.
Apparently “Ultimate Brevard” is more
moderated than Chisolm would have liked.