i
k
16
(:iYTHS, from page 15)
lives conform to the unreality of the
myth.
The "necessary lie" of the myth of roman
tic love does not ensure the survival of
the species in gay couples, so the myth’s
one potential virtue is negated. Nonethe
less, the issue is as much a problem in
non-procreative relationships as it is in
procreative ones, and is a major problem
for most of the gay men and women I know.
If the myth of romantic love is another
negative reason, no positive support came
forth from the 190 gay individuals Silver-
stein interviewed, and it’s rare to
encounter them in gay circles.
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WASTE VAST
AMOUNTS OF ENERGY...ATTEMPTING TO
MAKE THE REALITY OF THEIR LIVES
CONFORM TO THE UNREALITY OF THE MYTH
These are very real problems. If one
reads Peck’s book with this question in
mind, you can find at least three reasons
to support fidelity in [gay] relation
ships. First, once a relationship has
passed the falling-in-love and there’s-
still-stars-in-my-eyes stages, the indi
viduals begin to realize that they are not
"one" with the beloved, that the other
person is not who they were fantasized to
be, and that "the beloved has and will
continue to have his or her own desires,
tastes, prejudices, and timing different
from the other’s. One by one, gradually
or suddenly, the ego boundaries snap back
into place; gradually or suddenly, they
fall out of love.... At this point they
begin either to dissolve the ties of the
relationship or to initiate the work of
real loving."
It is precisely this point where so many
gay people are arrested; just when the
work of building a relationship should
begin, off goes Juliet or Romeo on her
charger looking for the next myth. Even
if a couple decides to "open" their
relationship, the primary relationship
suffers because energy is not being
directed to create a better relationship.
The second reason is an outgrowth of
this problem. Peck states that, "Ulti
mately, if they stay in therapy, all
couples learn that a true acceptance of
their own and each other’s individuality
is the only foundation upon which a mature
marriage [“relationship] can be based and
real love can grow." If we keep breaking
up when these individualities are first
realized, we are prevented from every
grasping this truth, that the strength of
a relationship is based on each partner’s
independence and separateness.
Third, sexual fidelity is a direct
symbol for each partner’s commitment to
their relationship. Peck believes that:
Commitment is inherent in any genu
ine loving relationship. Anyone who is
truly concerned for the spiritual
growth of another knows, consciously or
unconsciously, that he or she can sig
nificantly foster that growth only
through a relationship of constancy.
...Couples cannot resolve in any
healthy way the universal issues of
marriage [“coupling]—dependency and
independency, dominance and submission,
freedom and fidelity, for example—
without the security of knowing that
the act of struggling over these issues
will not destroy the relationship.
Every gay person who has been involved in
a relationship knows the experience of
being insecure about broaching difficult
issues because of the fear of losing the
other partner. The stresses of third-
party sex and the pressures they add to a
relationship that needs work serve to
undermine the vital perception of
constancy.
I admitted at the beginning that I was
a bit conservative about these issues, and
I think that the "no rules" freedom advo
cated by some isn’t going to help create
gay individuals who feel positive about
themselves and their potential for forming
lasting relationships that nurture growth.
Peck’s book is a help. He doesn’t speci
fically address gay issues, but there’s a
lot there to make you think about who you
are now and why, who you are becoming, and
how your past will color your future.
One of the goals of gay liberation is
the freedom to be emotionally healthy.
The freedom to be promiscuous is also a
freedom that must be safeguarded, but its
consequences for the ways gay people treat
relationships must be acknowledged. When
gay people come out they often experience
a valuable period of sexual exploration
which compensates for the talk our parents
never gave us on how to make love to some
one of the same sex and all those dry
years. But if we never try to learn how
to build lasting relationships along the
way, our arrested development will be our
own creation.
-Bill
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