Having a Gay Old Time
Growing older . . . and better
One social scientist has called the
elderly "the minority to which we all hope
to belong one day." If nothing else
serves the purpose, the inescapable fact
that we will all get old unless we die
sooner should temper the all-too-common
discriminatory behavior of gay men—and to
some extent, lesbians too—known as
ageism.
"Being old" is a relative thing of
course. I remember being made to feel old
at the time I came out at age.25. As I
myself grow older, I find friends my age
self-defining a "desirable crowd" with
ever more generous parameters. Ihe age at
which others are deemed "over the hill"
creeps upward, from 25 to 30, 35, 40.
For many, there is a merciless aesthe
tic curve which seems to reduce the num
bers of individuals who appear attractive
in terms of purely sexual desirability.
Notwithstanding the possible validity of
the assertion that gay people of any given
age group tend to keep themselves more
attractive and in better shape than their
straight counterparts, ageing does takes
its toll, and none of us is exempt.
So ageism has for all of us both a
contemporary and a future relevance.
Regardless of how any of us choose to
relate to older gays now, we have to hope
for happiness when we become older gays
Ourselves.
The problem has both a narrowly sexual
aspect and a broader social dimension.
Since gays already fall under social dis
approval for same-sex relationships, we
would appear to be freer than others to
transcend the age limits of socially-
condoned sexual partnerships.
"THE VARIETY OF OUR EXISTENCE CAN ONLY
RE ENRICHED IF WE REACH OUT TO GAY PEOPLE
OF ALL AGES."
Sometimes this is done very success
fully^ but often gays find they share one
®f those "retrograde" social beliefs which
^olds that sex is "right" only between
Coevals. Intergenerational sexual rela
tionships, straight or gay, frequently
oome under harsh social disapproval. It
is as if some sort of ancient taboo was
Rcing violated. Indeed, in the case of
Ssys, such relationships often provoke a
ievel of hostility which must be counted
^s one of the fundamental reasons for
Social homophobia.
To be sure, as the gap in age between
Partners widens, many real differences
Appear. As we ourselves get older, it is
a little disconcerting to discover we
^ave our differences not only with those
older than ourselves but also with an
emerging younger generation. As pollsters
discovered this year-j ,^this phenomenon has
major implications for our nation's poli
tics. These differences (often epitomized
by musical tastes) can also provide bar
riers to friendships between younger and
older gays.
Older gays have the justest dause to
complain when they find themselves
excluded not just from sexual relation
ships with younger gays but even from
friendship or simple conversation. In the
loing run, I think the younger gays lose
the most from their ageist
discrimination.
Many of us take considerable pains to
assemble circles of gay friends to replace
the straight acquanntances who have
rejected us or who no longer seem suitable
as intimates. I think it is a good idea
to avoid choosing these friends through an
"aesthetic porthole," i.e.,-by setting
rigid standards of superficial appearance
for those with whom we deign to
associate.
The variety of our existence can only
be enriched if we reach out to gay people
of all ages. There is a special joy in
knowing gays of the age of our natural
mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, older
brothers and sisters. The intimate warmth
one feels towards loved relatives is
enriched by the possession of gay sensi
bility by their counterparts in these new
circles.
INDISPENSABLE CONTRIBUTIONS
To demonstrate the point, I think it's
worth mentioning just a few of the
indispensable contributions of older gays
and why younger gays should be grateful
for them.
For starters, older gays provide models
of survival. As we get older, the "legi
timate" excuses for remaining unmarried
become fewer, and our exposure correspond
ingly greater. The benevolent assumptions
of the heterosexuality of young men and
women in their 20s turn to suspicions when
they reach their 30s and often harden into
convictions when they are in their 40s.
Older gays frequently have to endure pro
found social contempt, aggravated by an
uns3nnpathetlc attitude towards the sexual
needs of older people generally. Unless
social attitudes change drastically, we
too will have to survive these challenges,
and so we have much to learn from those
who are facing them already.
Older gays provide us with our history
and traditions as a subculture. Like
primitive cultures, our modern subculture
is largely dependent upon oral tradition
for a sense of our past.
(see GAY OLD TIME on page 13)