MS Manners —
Notes From a Jealous Wife
For those of you who were hoping that a high rung rating on the politically correct
ladder would save you from a horrific title of "the jealous wife," guess again. (For
matters of politically correct simplification, the term "wife" will apply to all
genders.)
Since entering graduate school at UNC, I have found myself starring in a docu-draraa
which resembles a cross between "I Love Lucy" and "Mission Impossible." This can be
attributed to many factors, all of which are high on the stress test list: a new environ
ment, unattainable goals, impossible deadlines, a homophobic department, etc. And all of
these factors wreak havoc on the heart and mind as Lucy also attempts to create a relaxed
and stable relationship with her new lover. In fact, it would seem that the two concepts
represent a contradiction in terms.
To put it bluntly, can one be a Grad. Scout and find jealous-free true love? I have
consulted the as yet unpublished Gay and Lesbian Grad. Scout Handbook and have come up
with a list of do's and don't's that even MISS Manners might be proud of (her heterosex
uality is merely a rumor).
First off, some basic, no-so-pretty facts. We all have a name for it; some of us call
it Lesbian Hospital, others. Gays of our Lives. But whatever you call the^soap opera that
has become synonomous with your social environment, the fact remains that the community
can prove very small. Many of us know the feeling of walking into a bar, restaurant, or
cafe, hoping for that romantic evening, only to be waited on by your lover s ex-lover and
seated next to one of yours. Life in hell. Some of these situations are clam, relaxed,
and mature, but I have yet to experience one of this genre. My response to this type of
situation has violated the Grad. Scout Handbook's suggestions; I cry, get sick, and if
those don't work, lie through my teeth ("Oh, it's so NICE to meet you! ). For those of us
who are still striving for a 10 on the p.c. scale, who hold all the truths in Lies,
Secrets and Silence to be self evident, and who can't afford to keep moving out of town
when it becomes too small, a new set of rules is in order.
No matter how many spoonfuls of "I'm not a jealous person and Attractions are per
fectly natural" you may have swallowed, it's time to wake up and smell the proverbial
coffee. The first thing a Jealous Wife must do is admit the addiction. (Though I am not
calling for a Jealous Wifes Anonymous, some of us could learn quite a bit from the A.A.
philosophy on addiction.) If you found yourself wanting to accidentally-on-purpose pour
your scalding coffee on the aforementioned waitperson, it's time to admit your jealousy
and begin claiming it, accepting it, and dealing with it. ^
When the reasons behind the jealousy are examined and the issues become tangible, some
of the paranoia should be alleviated. Fear of the unknown seems to be the driving force
behind a lot of jealous behavior, and of course, our favorite current buzzword control
is the key to a lot of the dilemmas the Jealous Wife faces. Who maintains control in the
relationship? And how? What is behind the fear of other lovers? How does flirting work
in the relationship. How do control dynamics differ in public and private? And most .
(see JEALOUS WIFE on page 13)
An Answer to HRCF
I read with some concern the Human
Rights Campaign Fund's appeal in the last
Lambda for support from groups not now
represented. The points raised were
valid. Yet I feel an understanding of some
of the forces behind this non—representa
tiveness of their contributors was lack
ing, The article seemed to insinuate that
the cause is not enough concern.
While that is true for many, for
others the reasons go deeper and can be
found in the general structure of society.
When I was interning with the National
Organization for Women this summer, I
Wrote an article on why the public image
of the gay community is so white male.
While my article does not address the
oon-lnvolvement of so many GWMs, it does
address the non-involvement of the rest of
us. And I think it is an appropriate
response to the implied accusation of
apathy for us G/L non-whites, non-males.
If one were to go only by what one sees
in the popular media, it would be easy to
believe that all homosexuals are white and
male, and have a proclivity to wear the
persona (and clothes) of the opposite sex.
Yet those of us who know' Gays and Lesbians
are aware that it is not true; homosexuals
are diverse, coming from all backgrounds,
and there is no reason to believe there
are any more gay men than Lesbians.
There are myriad reasons why the g/1
community is seen to wear a certain face
when it is well-known that homosexuals
encompass the whole range of human
(see WHO WE ARE on page 6)
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