ASK DOCTOR D
Having Less Sex, But Enjoying It Less!-
-by Demlan, Ed.D.
Q: Sometimes my partner and I have
different Ideas about what to do In
bed. Also, we aren't having sex as
often as we once did. I'm beginning to
think we are sexually incompatible.
What can I do about it?
A: Many couples find that the
frequency of sexual activity declines
somewhat as their relationship
progresses. However, familiarity can
bring the kind of mutual awareness that
stands to Increase the quality of sex.
Try this sexual compatibility
evaluation on for size. It will help
you assess the degree to which you and
your partner agree about matters
sexual. More than that, it gives you a
great excuse to talk with your partner
Complete and score individually--don't
peek! Then compare your answers. Rate
each of the following as:
1-disagree 2*disagree somewhat
3-mostly agree 4-completely agree
We like the number of times we have
We like the same kinds of sex.
We respect one another's sexual
We tell one another if we develop a
sexually transmitted disease.
We talk freely about our sexual
Orgasm is not our goal every time
we have sex.
We share a perspective on
We agree on the amount of openness
to outside relationships.
We share ideas about nudity.
10) We don't use sex for reward and
11) We agree about the use of erotic
12) Sex is not a "spare time" activity
How to score:
12-24: Relationship may Indeed be
hampered by sexual incompatibility.
25-36: Some problems, work together on
37-48: High sexual compatibility (Write
and tell me how you do iti).
Now compare and discuss your answers,
especially where you disagree. (If
your individual scores differ by 10 or
more, then you really need to talk.)
Some think talking about sex kills the
romance, but you're not looking for
romance here. You want mutually
satisfying results. The best way to
get what you want, and deserve, is to
ask for it. If talking isn't enough,
consider seeking assistance from
friends or professional counselors.
TIP: Sexual compatibility is not
necessarily the hallmark of a
successful relationship. Success is
maintaining communication and being
able to work together for common
Demian is co-publisher/co-editor of
PARTNERS: The Newsletter for Gay and
Lesbian Couples. Send your questions
about gay and lesbian relationships,
for possible use in future columns, to
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