T hree fifteen. I start watching
the clock. I know I ought not to
do that. It's a bad sign, it means I'm getting too
serious. But I do it anyhow. I watch the door while
I'm ringing up groceries. Maybe she will come in
today. It's not the teachers' payday but maybe
she'll come in anyhow.
Three twenty-two. Three twenty-eight.
Three thirty-five and there she is. I knew it! I knew
she would be here today! I cou!d feel it in my
bones. My heart is beating fast. My blood turns
cold. I don’t let her see me looking at her. Don't
want to get clocked. That would be real bad. I
can't let her know. I try to look normal. I don’t want
to let my manager see me acting funny. Jaff is
bagging for me today. I can’t let him see me acting
any different either. I keep ringing up groceries,
asking customers how are they today and do they
have any coupons. I got to act normal. But I keep
my eye out. I can see her as she goes round the
end of every other aisle.
She looks so pretty today. She is wearing
her flowerdy dress. Her hair is down. It's a real
pretty color, not red and not blonde. I try not to
stare. I can't let anyone know that I like her.
Nobody here knows I'm gay. I'm in a new town
now, and they don't know. And I ain't about to tell
nobody, either. I seen the way they make fun of
that guy Rodney who works at Burger King across
the street. My manager will be all prancing around
going, "Ooooh, I'm Rodney!" in a squeaky voice
and everybody else all cracking up laughing at him.
I don’t need them doing that to me. I ain’t trying to
lose my job. It ain’t much but I can't get nothing
else without more than a GED. So I ain’t figuring
on letting anyone find out I have a crush on
another woman.
I wish I could tell her. But I'm afraid. It's
partly on account of she's a teacher at the high
school. So she's been to college and stuff and she
has money and a job with regular hours. And she
has to be real smart. I know she Wouldn t see
anything in me. I mean, first of all, she probably
likes men. And second of all. I'm not high class
like she is. I'm smart and stuff, 1 guess, but not like
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her. Anyhow, thinking about telling her don't do no
good. I can't lose my job. I got to pay my rent and
stuff.
I wish I was rich. I watched Ellen on TV
every week for a little while but then I quit 'cause it
pissed me off. Too unrealistic to be funny. Life
ain't like that for real people. Ellen’s always
harping on how it's so hard to be a lesbian in show
business. Oh, poor little Ellen. Shes got a couple
of million dollars in the bank and she's on TV all
the time. Who the hell cares if she’s gay? She ain’t
going to lose her job. Ain't nobody going to strut
around making fun of her. If I had some money I
wouldn't be scared of nothing. And I would ask out
whoever I wanted to.
Man, it would be nice to ask^
r out. I don't know much about
her. Just her name from her |
checks and that she's a
teacher and what kind of
groceries she buys. She'
has a dog, 'cause she buys
dog food. And she don't never use coupons or buy
the discount brand so I know she’s got money. I
wish I wasn't so scared. I want to learn more about
her. If she's not into women, maybe she would just
be friends with me and we could hang out and talk
and stuff. But she's probably real uppity or
something.
Here she comes! Oh, God, please let her
come to my register! No, God, please let her go to
somebody else's register! Aaaahhh! Here she
comes, right my way!
OK, I tell myself. Stay calm. Breathe.
Can't act no different than always. Can't let Jeff or
my manager see. Sure as anything can t let her
see! Calm.
I look at her then down at my register
before I give something away. She smiles. I ask
how she is today. She says she's fine. 1 think; "1
already knew that." Then I think: "No! Be serious!
Ring up her stuff and get done with this!" Her voice
is so nice. Quiet, and she talks real clear, like
smart people do. I catch myself again and