October 2000
Page 15
Confessions of a Radical Queer Feminist Romantic
Responding to Criticisms of Feminism, and Redefining Love in the Zeroes
By Wayla Chambo
I made the mistake of reading The
Daily Tar Heel the other day-specifi
cally, a column by a woman who claims
that feminism has ruined dating, and, by
extension, all male-female relationships,
since men are now too intimidated by
women to call them, ask them out, or
open doors for them. Her logic is dubi
ous, to say the least, and she seems to
have some ideas about what "feminism"
means that are far from what it means to
me. I could have some fun refuting her
"arguments.
But I don't think it's worth it. What 1
want to do instead is explore the ques
tions, tensions and possibilities brought
up for me when I hear the assumption
that "feminist romantic" is an oxymo
ron. Maybe it is —if so, then so am I, a
living contradiction, by which I mean
not inconsistent, but containing and ex
isting in more than one idea at the same
time.
Queer. Feminist. Radical. Romantic. 1
want to start with an attempt at what
these terms mean to me, when I use them
in the sense of identification. This will
not be everyone's definition—it is a part,
at least, of mine.
QUEER not-heterosexual. not-
straight. not-"normal". a constellation of
"nots." What, positively? Different.
Original. Subversive, a Question mark,
a Challenge. My thinking has a different
slant.
Queer means that nobody delineates
the shape of my desire. That its shape is
wide and open and changeable. That
beauty bends lines and comes to me in
many forms. That identity is fluid. Queer
means, for me, that I do not believe that
gender (mine or someone else's) is the
deciding factor in who I can love/be at
tracted to and how/how much.
It means that I am determined to love
who I love.
feminist means that I believe in
empowering the gender (female) that has
been systematically disempowered and
oppressed throughout our history and
into our present. It means that I believe
in equality between the two genders (fe
male and male) that exist in our current
binary conception of gender/sex — a con
ception which considers gender and sex
the same, or gender solely determined
by "sex."
I also believe in exploring and mak
ing a place for expressions of gender that
are in between/outside/all over/be
yond that same construction —gender
expressions and identifications that can't
simply check M or F. I believe in ques
tioning, challenging, expanding and ul
timately deconstructing the construction
of gender as a binary system which al
lows one side to be dominated and op
pressed by the other and everyone else
to be excluded and stigmatized; and in
replacing it (again, ultimately) in lan
guage, thought, and society with a much
wider, more fluid concept of gender and
of sexuality.
RADICAL means that I think there is
something at the root —the heart—of our
society and its institutions, at the foun
dations of our basic structures and guide
lines and the ways we're taught to live,
that needs to change. Reforming institu
tions, changing laws and making surface
changes are important and essential. But
to me, they are not enough. I think a
deep, fundamental change in how we live
and think and treat ourselves and each
other, and an intense examination of the
social constructs we've been trained to
hold as absolute truth, is necessary for
us to have true Equality, true Justice, true
Peace.
I believe that following your joy is a
radical act. I believe that real, honest,
kind, compassionate love, of anything
or anyone, is a radical act. Really seeing
and really caring.
So, ROMANTIC What does that
mean? With a capital "R," in the artistic/
literary/historical sense —expansive
ness, expressiveness, emotion—turmoil
and beauty—love of nature. Too much,
too sad, too sweet sometimes? With a
little "r" —a believer in the love of ro
mance novels, their studly heroes, rav
ished heroines, resistance, conflict and,
finally, joy through acquiescence. Is that
"romantic"? It doesn't sound much like
me. So why do I say I am a romantic?
Maybe this is closer; A romantic is a
dreamer, an imaginer, someone*who be
lieves in love and the possibility of hap
piness and goodness.
I am intense, emotional, expressive,
stormy. I hope for so much from the
world —and I am often disappointed. I
love the beautiful, kind, natural. REAL.
I also believe in love-and yes, in ro
mance.
I don't mean romance as the sappy
sentimental cover-up for a lack of real
feeling —a Hallmark greeting card, a
tear-jerker after-school special. I mean
the sappy, sentimental things that are
real feeling, that bring that silly grin to
your face and that fluttery feeling in your
stomach. I do try to look tough some
times, but I might as well admit it —Tm
a sucker for a sweet note, a flower, a silly
compliment. (As long as you really mean
it.)
Does this necessarily make me any
less queer radical feminist?
There is a myth we've all grown up
with: you will eventually meet one per
son who will love and understand you
totally, who will be everything you ever
need, who will complete you, satisfy
you, make you happy. Given, in the
mainstream version: if you're a boy, this
will be a girl, and vice versa —but we
have carried it over into the queer com
munity as well, with only the genders
changed. I know that boy-meets-girl (or
even girl-meets-girl) happy-ever-after-
the-end is a myth. It can't be that simple
and be real. I know this, but in spite of
trying not to, there is still a part of me
that believes the essence of that story.
Or maybe more: wants it to be true. To
be that.easy and complete.
But I know it isn't, so Tm looking to
create a new story. To find for myself a
picture of a queer radical feminist not-nec-
essarily-monogamous version of romance
that can fit in with who I am and how I
experience the world. What might that
look like?
I believe in true love, but I think there
might be more than one per person. I
think that different people help me love
and learn and grow in different ways
and understand me differently.
I think there are many variations of
relationship that we do not have names
or language for.
Knowing these things, I am trying to
wrap my head and heart and body
around an idea of romance that is just as
sweet and silly, just as deep and warm
and real, but doesn't have to follow all
the rules; one that might be with more
than one person, that sees and engages.
Wayla can be reached at
chambo @email.nnc.edn.