Page 10
Winter 2000
Homo for the Holidays: Hints for Coming Out
By Jesse Davidson
One of the hardest things that any
queer person does is come out to his or
her parents. Finding the right time and
the right way to tell them is a difficult
task that you must undergo. The process
of coming out to your parents can be
very difficult, and before you do decide
to tell them that you are gay, lesbian or
bi, you need to be prepared.
First of all, you need to be sure about
your sexuality. If there is any doubt or
confusion on your part, it is only going
to make it harder on your parents and
yourself. Also, you need to be com
fortable with your sexuality, because
any guilt or bouts of depression could
take away from the energy that must
be put into helping your parents. You
need to have some kind of supportive
group or friends that you can talk to
about "coming out" issues and who
can help you deal with any emotional
problems that may arise. Find an ap
propriate time to come out. Make sure
that there are not already numerous
stressors in your family when you
decide to come out; if there is a death
in the family or unusual financial
troubles, it can be harder on every
one. Be patient with your parents; the
process can take months or years for
them to deal with such new informa
tion.
Another concern that might influ
ence coming out is whether or not you
are financially dependent on your par
ents. If you are, perhaps you should
delay telling them until you can gain
more independence. Also, evaluate
your parents moral and societal views
about homosexuality. The more flexible
they are, the easier it will be for them to
work through it with you. Remember
that every family is different, and you
should note what kind of relationship you
have with your parents before you de
cide to come out. And lastly - and most
importantly - make sure that it is your
choice to come out to your parents and
not any one else's. If you are unsure if
you want to or have severe doubts, you
should probably wait to tell them until
you feel more comfortable.
If you decide to tell your parents, you
should be aware that they will likely go
through several stages in handling this
new information. The stages, which are
similar to those one goes through when
coping with death, are: Shock, Denial,
Guilt, Expression of Feelings, Personal Deci
sion-Making, and True Acceptance. Re
member that each family is unique, and
although most will follow these afore
mentioned stages, you must allow for
some latitude from your own parents.
The first stage. Shock, can be anticipated if
you suspect that your parents have no
idea about your sexuality. It is a natural
reaction that we all experience to avoid
acute distress and unpleasantness and
usually it wears off within a few days.
Explain that you needed to tell them be
cause you feel it is such a big part of your
life and that you need to be completely
honest with them. Tell your parents you
love them and that you are still the same
person, because it has always been a part
of you.
The next stage is Denial, which is char
acterized by hearing the message but
building a defense mechanism to ward it
off. Some common forms are: "No son
(or daughter) of mine is going to be
queer;" "That's nice dear, but what do
you want for dinner;" "If you choose that
lifestyle, I do not want to hear about it;"
or "It's just a phase - you'll get over it."
Their perception of your Sexual orienta
tion will be distorted by the views that
they have learned from our homopho
bic society. Yelling or serene trances may
occur, or, they may cry frequently. Only
tell them what they ask of you and be
patient. Remember to ensure them that
it is not a phase and it is normal for you
even though it may not be considered
normal by society.
The next stage that many parents
transgress to is Guilt. A lot of people per
ceive homosexuality as a problem and
thus feel the need to blame someone or
something for it. Assure them that you
do not see the cause as simple as them
"failing you." Tell them that there are
many theories, but the origins of homo
sexuality are not known. Find books or
other information that they can read to
help them cope. They may decide to
talk to a close friend or a clergyman,
but provide them with gay-friendly
organizations or people whom they
can talk. The next stage. Feelings Ex
pressed, describes a time when your
parents find that guilt and self-incrimi-
nation are unproductive. They begin
to listen and ask questions. Their feel
ings come out to you at this time, so
be prepared to deal with it. Some com
mon expressions are: "How can you
hurt us this way;" "Please don't tell
anyone in the family;" "I feel so alone
and hurt -1 think that I was better off
not knowing;"or, "I wish I was dead."
Anger and hurt are probably the most
expressed feelings, but it is better for
them to voice them instead of bury
ing them. This is the first sign for a
positive movement to acceptance.
The next stage. Personal Decision-
Making, signifies that your parents are
dealing with your sexuality more ra
tionally. They may retreat for a while
in order to decide how to react. There
are three common kinds of decisions that
your parents may make. Accepting the
reality of your sexuality characterizes the
first decision; they continue to love you
and feel that your relationship with them
has grown. TTie second decision that they
might find is that your sexuality is an is
sue that they do not need to discuss. They
can talk about it, but they are fragile in
dealing with it. Your parents know their
limits and don't wish to be pushed be
yond them. Introduce them to your
friends because meeting other queer
people can help break down some ste
reotypes that they have as well as en
courage them to discuss it more. Your
sexuality can be the staging area for con
stant confrontation if your parents make
the third decision. Your sexuality can in
voke anger and cause problems at home.