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www.unc.edu/glbtsa/lambda
OPINION
Shame on You
A guest writer explains why “gay shame” can be the worst shame of all
By Nate Young
Just the other day my fashion-savA^ friend and
teammate Josh proposed starting a new trend, to
bring back the cut-off jean shorts from the 1980s,
but not the “Village People gay type,” rather the
80s “frat type.” He proposed we make a pair and
^ear them, and that it would “be OK” because he
^as straight so I wouldn’t “have to worry.”
Josh is one of my best friends, someone whom
I respect — but he crossed the line, and I let him
know - in jest because he was “just kidding.” My
Suestion is, would other gay males, even out and
proud, do the same or would they be afraid to
rock the boat” or “make a big deal out of noth-
I suspect that not only would the average
8^y male fail to defend himself (even in jest) in
^ similar situation, but chances are he would also
^ffer the same comments as my teammate did to
insure protection from stereotyping, labeling and
^'^ared social ridicule!
This might stem from a belief among men (gay,
bi and straight) that heterosexual men have the last
^ord on “masculinity.” A rampant and persistent
^clf-hatred seems to exist among gay and bisexual
^en that perpetuates this attitude within both that
Say/bi male and straight male communities.
A study I read by Han H. Meyer and Laura
ean discussed internalized homophobia and self-
^oubt as symptoms of “minority stress” among
(“Internalized Homophobia, Intimacy, and
^^xual Behavior among Gay and Bisexual Men.
^bgma and Sexual Orientation). Just what is mi-
l^ority stress? Basically, it’s the stress caused by be-
^'^g different aU the freakin’ time! It makes some
of
more resilient, tough, funny, and savvy; and
^akes others of us depressed, bulimic, suicidal,
ashamed.
What are day-to-day examples of this self-ha-
and shame? Well, for one, the term “straight-
^cting. It would be funny if we used this term
gay or bisexual men who didn’t bathe, dressed
^’’tibly, and burped in public, but we don’t. A non-
^^ght athletic man with a firm handshake, square
law a-J . , ^
> and an unwavering deep voice is a “straieht-
^'^^inghomo.”
Other examples include the sudden change to
tone when invoking the term “gay,” or
tan,” e.g.:
Str8 guy: Dude, where were you last Thursday?
Gay guy; I went to Raleigh with some friends.
Str8 guy: Oh cool, what for?
Gay guy; Um it was hip-hop night at CC’s
Str8 guy: Cici’s Pizza?
Gay guy; No, its a^^’ club
Many men - gay, bi and straight alike - say “gay”
like my grandma says “black.” However, I argue
that the former is more distressing than the lat
ter, because the former is said by these same non
straight men, while the latter is said by a Southern,
white, 85-year-old woman set in her ways. No Af
rican-American proclaims her or his own race with
a shameful lowered tone, and neither should any
bisexual or gay man about his sexuality.
In addition, non-heterosexual men will often
condemn one another for sleeping around while
they tolerate or even admire the straight male who
gets it on four times a week with four different
“honeys.” Our own people will call each other
slut and ‘tramp” for doing the same things that
straight males get away with day in and day out.
Is there any worse hatred than self-hatred? This
question is not so rhetorical - in fact. I’ll give you
a concrete response. No. Self-hatred is indeed the
worst kind of hatred because it feeds hatred of oth
ers. Self-hatred in gay and bisexual men eventually
may lead to resentment and fear of straight people.
That explains the near violent reaction by several
gay men I witnessed in a gay bar a few months ago
when they saw a different-gender couple kissing
“in their territory,”
Can we ever expect heterosexual men to respect
us if we do not respect ourselves? Most of the
homophobic banter I hear is in jest, but I quickly
defend myself with similar tone. It is vital that we
learn to defend ourselves against homophobia -
and more importantly, it is. vital that we recognize
our own internalized homophobia.
So let’s take the inner-homophobe within each
of us and ball it up and squish it. That is the first
step toward gaining our self-respect. And self-re
spect is the quintessence of LGBTIQ pride. 0
Many men - gay,
bi and straight
alike - say “gay”
like my grandma
says “black.”
Guest writer and senior Nate Young, a business administra
tion and Slavic languages and literatures double major from
Sleigh, N.C., can be contaaedatlambda@unc.edu.