in+ersec+ions
gay & Catholic
E arly in my life I developed a
stringent hate for the person
(continued from page 15)
by John Hairston
-*—'stringent hate for the person It turns out that she wasn’t alone - numerous other
I feared myself to be. Throughout grade school I felt a friends, my therapist and even my girlfriend thought'that I
constant unrest within my mind and my heart -1 believed was gay. At the beginning of the faU semester, I went to the
my soul was tarmshed, and I prayed everyday for God to first GLBT-SA meeting with my girlfriend. After the meet-
ea me back to the path of salvation. Catholicism taught ing, a new acquaintance asked of my girlfriend and me’ “So,
me to repent my evil thoughts so that I could be forgiven, are you two best friends from high school or what?”
I found myself in confession so often and for the same The next week, I went to another GLBT-SA fiinction
reason that I feared my religious leaders were tiring of this time alone. After the first incident, I was nervous to
orgiving me for the unrelenting thoughts consuming every reveal to anyone that I was dating a girl. My fears were real-
acet of my emotions. My environment had and continued ized when we started generating ideas for queer activism on
to condition me to believe my thoughts about other boys campus. Someone suggested we stand in the Pit and make
to be moral abominations. It was not until I was released fun of straight couples.
from that oppressive environment that I was able to begin “How do you know they’re both straight?” I thought I
e long process of accepting myself and developing the hate when people assume I’m straight And just like most
se ^onfidence that I had previously lacked. heterosexuals, I hate it when people assume I’m gay. Bottom
uring my years of self-hatred so many aspects of line: people hate assumptions,
my life were affected. I developed defenses - mistrust for I have been an extremely active member of the GLBT-
others and a fa9ade of happiness that allowed me to func- SA this year and people that unintentionally offended me
tion in a society that continued to tell me I was despicable are now wonderftil friends of mine, as are the numerous
and that I could make those “hornd feelings” go away if I other people who assumed I was gay for so long. My friends
were diHgent enough. To the outside world I was a bright, don’t resent me for being bisexual - it’s just that the lines
athletic, popular, friendly, happy and all-around good between straight and gay are so rigidly drawn that people
nstian boy. Inside I loathed every mmute in which I had have trouble understanding and remembering the existence
to continue to act as the person I knew everyone wanted of a middle ground.
me to be. I was deeply depressed and unable to feel even I never reaUy understood my own presumptuous attitude
a semblance of comfort in social settings. Eventually, I until I started dating my girlfriend. When I was secretly
became a hollow sheU of the person I knew was the real dating other boys during high school, I recoiled whenever
me, not allowmg anyone into my heart in any genuine way. I saw straight people kissing and holding hands in public
My self-hatred of so many years left me with an anxiety Now that I have the privilege to show public affection to
disorder and difficulties trusting the intentions of my the one I love without fear of ridicule, not much has reaUy
peers. I still struggle with mner demons, but the first step changed. I still automatically sneer at people I assume to be
in overcommg them was ending the cycle of self-loathing, heterosexual for their ignorance of this privilige. But I have
I
n a
culture bisexual male w/ a girlfriend
thatpredomi- , ^ ®
telv assumes
no way of knowing if they are actually straight I can’t count
the times I have seen a cute guy and frowned when he takes
the hand of a girl -1 assume he is straight You’d think I of
all people would know not to assume such things but I’m
20
nately assumes
that everyone is straight, being attracted to someone of just as guilty as the friends who assumed I was gay
the same gender can produce both external and internal My relationship with my parents has drasticaUy improved
conflicts. However, LGBTIQ culture is not free from similar since I started dating my girlfriend. I can take my girlfriend
presumptuousness. I didn’t truly reaHze the problem in oth- on family outings and I no longer have to lie about where
ers or myself until I started dating my first girlfriend. I’m going on a Saturday night.
When I first confided to my friends, both gay and I spent my high school days hiding my relationships and
str^ght, that I was datmg a girl, many were perplexed. sexual feelings. I flinched every time someone assumed I was
So what are you?” one friend demanded. Seeing that heterosexual. I hoped that when I finaUy got to college that
I had already told her that I was bisexual, I was surprised I would no longer have that problem; yet I am still a victim
y her reaction. Oh I know, but I was so sure you were of compulsive heterosexuality, in both the LGBTIQ and
just gay,” she repUed when I reminded her yet again that I straight communities. If you don't want others to assume
was bisexual. your so^ual orientation, the first step is to stop making as-
sumptions of others. I had to learn the hard way.