Newspapers / Black Ink (Black Student … / Sept. 4, 1990, edition 1 / Page 8
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Lighter Side ^^Black Ink Dial 1 - 900 - 4 - Suckas... Remember For Adults Only September 4 So you're sitting up late one night, watching MIDDAY! Tonight on Student Television (liie I'm sure you always do) and it’s commercial time. Hmmmm,.look at this. A new set of Ginsu knives that transform into hubcaps—wait! What’s that thumpin’? Oh, it’s the world renowned Energizer M. Bunny, dropping the base and interrupting another bogus commer cial! He keeps going and going and going and going...right to the cash register for Eveready. Good commercial, what's next? Not another one! No! No! Noooooooo! Another one of those blasted 900 numbers! You're going into a “$2.00 the first minute” seizure! (Adults Only? Yeah, right. I’m sure kids aren't even slightly interested in getting some phone-hidden woman to stick her tongue over the receiver!) Let me ask you this: What kind of society do we live in that would allow the multiplication of such obvious exploitation involving impregna tion and pelvic pulsation? 1-900 this, 1-900 that. I've have (tnily) seen everything from 1-900- New-Kids (who aren't so new anymore and if you ask me I’m about ready for their neighbor hood welcoming party to end) to 1-900-Hot- Ones (in the commercial, they don’t even bother to tell you what it offers, I guess they find the name to be self-explanatory. Remember, ADULTS ONLY.). This ain’t no fad, either. It is a very lucrative business venture that a lot of musical groups feel an essential member of the successful publicity package. Everybody seems to benefit—the phone company gets a commis- Point After Touchdown Chris L. Brown sion, the client gets every cent beyond the blue line of monthly billing owed—that is, except for the consumer. Who calls these lines? I mean, why are they so successful?! ADULTS ONLY? Yeah, right. I'll tell you why they are so successful. I call it the F.U.N. factor. 900 numbers are Forbidden to its number one clientele, kids below 17; the messages are Uncensored, and I’m sure in every one there is some allusion to Nudity. Even 1-900- TURTLES: have you ever seen these guys with anything but a skimpy eyemask on? One day, one of those ninja-swords is gonna slip And how about those ones that promise a shot at actually speaking with the stars? While we’re speaking on this plane of veracity, I am announc ing my candidacy for the President of the Soviet Union in the next Russian year, and I've got some real estate in Alberquerque to sell you. Hey, I'm sure that some ex-voice of Oscar the Grouch could pass for Heavy D; just get him to say “bumdiddleydiddleydiddleydee.” But kids are perceptive. They'll know he's fake when he says “We have obtained our in dividual premises” instead of “We got our own thang.” I'm sure that a conversa tion with one of those “Friend on the other End” types would go like this: ME: Uhh. Hello? VOICE: (Sensuously) Hello, there. ME: I’d like a medium pizza with anchovies. VOICE: Oh, we're playing the food game, huh? Well, I’ve got your anchovies right here. I’m rubbing them. ME: Umm. If you don’t mind, don’t touch my food. VOICE: ahh, the salami and green peppers... ME: Salami?! I hate Salami! VOICE: You knead the dough so well. ME: Do you take meal cards? VOICE: ONLY VISA. I joke around a lot, but I really have to wonder about these lines. Anyone can get a 900 number, it just consists of providing the record ings or people to maintain the service. Let’s get a number here at UNC, a Staff Rumor service. Yeah, for ten dollars a minute, you can get the intimate details of Chancellor Hardin’s Duke underwear or Dean Fuse-Hall's fettish for Nintendo. Yes! Let's provoke some fights! I can see it now— the main event in the middle of the Pit., PAUL “MAD DOG” HARDIN versus GILLIAN “RED BLOOD” CELL! An STV exclusive!! For Adults Only. O I4K I SEEING IS BELIEVING! . Gou) CONNECnON Says Dare To Compare! We Have Low Prices Everyday! k GOLD CONNECTIONS ^ Now Open by Food Lion ^ in \V lUow Creek {■ Mon.-Thurs. 10-5:30 Friday 10^ Saturday 12-6 128 E. Franklin St 967-GOLD/968-GOLD AMEX, VISA U MC Acctpt«d Public Relations • Special Projects • Concert Advisory • College Bowl • Gallery • Film • Forum JUST JOIN rr Go Get Inrmation September 4 At The Union Desk iCAUMh 1990 -1991 Activities Board Theater Arts • Social Adventures • Performing Arts • Performing Art Outreach • Current Issues • Advertising
Black Ink (Black Student Movement, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill)
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Sept. 4, 1990, edition 1
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