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FEATURES 16
1
Hmm... There’s Only One Halle
A couple of months ago, I gave
a friend of mine, a girl, a ride to
McDonald’s. Now, we didn't go
together or nothin ’, but I went in
with her to make sure them
roughnecks from Carrboro didn’t
mess with her.
So we get in, and she places a
small order. But this was one of
them Mickey-Ds run by a bunch
of brothas and sistas... so I knew
it would be a while before she got
her food... C.P.-time, ya' know.
After a long wait, dinner was
served. But by this point I was
furious! Here I am wastin ’ my
time, and gas, and I wasn ’t even
gettin ’ nothin' to eat.
"Bump that! I got’sta’ get
mine," I thought.
So I put my mack on and kicked
it to the cashier. “ Yo ’ girl.. .how
’bout a complimentary drink,
since I had to wait so long?”
She looked at me and started
to cop an attitude... until she saw
I was with a young lady. That’s
when that female mentality took
over. I could read her mirui. "I’m
gon ’ take yo' man," she thought.
So she hooked me up with a
soda.
But what’s wack is that
home girl with me was not my
girlfriend. I understood the girl
though and realized it was not
totally her fault... it’s a hormone
thing.
But fellas don’t be doin’ no
mess like this.
At least a brotha is considerate
enough to kick it to your girl
when you ’re not around.
1 wonder why every time I
walk into a store I bear that hourly
announcement,
“DEPARTMENT HEADS.
PLEASE CONDUCT YOUR
SAFETY AND SECURITY
CHECKS AT THIS TIME!”
Is it just bad timing, or are
tbey really watching ME?
I think the latter... especially
in lieu of last semester’s Rite Aid
situation.
A brotha who works at a local
bar said be went into the Rite Aid
on Franklin Street to buy
cigarettes for himself and his cch
workers. He sought to use a
company check, as was common
practice for fellow workers who
made the tobacco run.
But bfo'man's boss must’a
not’ve had bis glasses on that
morning, because he made a gross
oversight
He obviously didn’t realize
that he was sending a black man
out with the check. A white
worker always made the
purchases before. According to
the brotha, the white employees
nevCT had problems cashing
third-party checks. But it seems
that, according to the brotha. Rite
Aid merchants had aproblem with
him cashing the check.
Sniff. Sniff. Do y’all smell
that?
Smells like a trout.. .or maybe
it’s a bass. Whatever it
is...somethin’s fishy!
Two years ago. Rite Aid was
accused of discriminating against
blacks. Black community leaders
said black hair care products were
placed near the front of the
store.. .and they weren’t on sale,
either! At the same time, white
products were shelved near the
rear.
This seems to be a popular
trend among drugstores
nationwide. Not long ago, I was
watching the news and saw a
report of a store that had placed
those puffy, white security tags
on black toiletries. The white
products didn’t have them.
Hmmmm???? Now the fish
starts to fry.
Mr. Charlie is accusin’ us
black folks of steaUn’!
Well, be might have a case for
some of y’all. You know who
you are.
Let me ask you this: If I go to
the cafeteria, get a glass of ice,
and then go back for tea.. .is that
stealin’?
Hmmmm????
But why I got’sta be a thief? I
can’t help the way I was raised.
When I was a little boy, I used
to go to the grocery store with my
moms. We’d head for the
produce section, and she’d get
me a bag full of grapes to nibble
on so I’d keep my mouth shut.
Think we paid for them
grapes...? Think again!
My momma would say, “Ain’t
nothin’ wrong with samplin’, boy.
You got to make sure you know
wbat’cba gettin’ ‘fo ya’ buy it.”
Ya’ know, we never did find a
bunch of grapes good enough to
buy.
This philosophy stayed with
me as I got older.
Buyin’ lotion.. .who, me?
Not when they got a whole
shelf full at the store!
I remember I bad a date with
this girl one night I put on my
fresh gear and whatnot before
catchin’ the bus to the mall.
No, no, no...my date wasn’t
at the mall... but somethin’ more
important was.
Upon arrival, I ran to the drug
store and
headed for the
smell-good
section. I
rubbed on
some of that Tussy
deodorant...ya’ know the kind
that you apply with your fingers.
I found some ol’ talc and put that
on to absorb some of the sweat.. it
was hot as Lucifer’s crib on that
bus. And last but not least. . . I
splashed on some of that potent
Brut 33....
y years...
Ya’ know, I’m glad my girl
didn’t smoke, or I would’ve been
one black brotha...now don’t go
there!
Nonetheless, I won’t
stealin’.. .only samplin’.
Now, many might see this as
stealin’, especially Mr. Charlie.
But in this Rite Aid situation, be
has no case.
It’s obvious. Check it out:
The next time you’re on the
yard, look on the ground by the
Wall, in front of the Undergrad.
You’ll see these little, black,
berry-like things on the
ground...only they’re not
berries.. .they’re buckshots from
your nappy-beaded classmates.
I know, I know...the nappy,
peasy-head look is in. But wasn’t
it much better back in the day
when a UtUe jerry-juice kept ya’
bead looking good all day. (Now,
I ain’t talkin’ about that long, wet
curl. That’s wack! Like that kid
on Urkel’s show. Family Matters.
It’s just a mockery for that little
boy to have a “Ready for the
World” curl in the 90s! Just a
mockery!)
But black people...we got to
There’s nothing I hate more than
a base-face! A little bit of cocoa
butter will wwk just fine.
I wrotea song about it.. .wanna
hear it, hear it go:
I CAN’T STAND TO BE ASHY/
SO I GRAB MY BOTTLE OF
LOTION/ ON MY LEGS,
ARMS, AND ELBOWS/ ITS
MY MAGIC POTION.
Haaaa! Ha! Haaaa!
Thank’ ya’ ver’ much!
While we’re on the subject of
hygiene...make sure you wash
Wonderboy
do better. Especially y’all
females. I see a lot of y’all girls
tryin’ to sport that sh«t cut.
NEWS FLASH: THERE IS
BUT ONE HALLE BERRY!!!
But hey... if you like that style,
by all means, sport it But please
take care of it! Sure, it looks good
when you first get it cut... and the
fellas know when y’all get them
fresh cuts, ‘cause that’s when ya’
want to go here and there and be
seen.
There was this girl who only
came to class when she got her
hair done. It was so obvious
because she’d roll up in English 1
at eigbt-in-the- morning smelUng
like Isoplus. I’d see her for a few
days...butbytheendof the week,
my girl would get lazy. She’d
come in wearing all kinds of bats
and whatnot. Then I wouldn’t see
her for another week or so ‘till her
financial aid came where she
could go get her wig wrapped
again.
But she’s no different from
most of y’all young girls.
People, we got to get back to
basics. And girls, that means
greasin’ ya’ hair to the scalp every
night and rollin’ it up before you
go to bed. You’ll be surprised at
the wonders it’ll do.
My mom does this, and I ain’t
never seen her go to the beauty
parlor. Yet her hair looks good
all the time. I’ve seen my mom go
out in thunderstorms and
blizzards. Her clothes might get
wrecked, but her hair comes back
unscathed.
And another thing girls.. .stop
wearing so much makeup!
under ya’ arms real good. I know
it’s the winter.. .but funk changes
with the seasons... i t’s j ust worse
in the summer!
But don’t be
deceived...winter funk ain’t no
joke eithCT.
In fact, if you roll up on a
brotha or sista who smells like
last year, tell ‘em!
And for those who ask you for
a piece of gimi or candy...tell
them NO! Make them go back to
the crib and brush their teeth.
That’s what’s wrong with
us...we’re always lookin’ for
shortcuts.
(NOTE: Mouthwash doesn’t
work by itself...especially
considering what some of y’all
are eatin’... but we won’t go
there!)
Now, concerning the Rite Aid
situation...based on what I’ve
seen on this campus, if black
students are stealin’
any thing... it’s certainly not
toiletries. Too much halitosis and
nappy-heads for that.
So Mr. Charlie can’t say
anything in that regard.
But Mr. Charlie...when’s the
last time you checked the malt
liquor section in your grocery
store. Every time I walk past it’s
practically empty.
Perhaps brothas are steaUn’ all
the forties?
But if they are, do you care?
Speaking of forty-drinkers,
don’t white people
dri... well...never mind. That’sa
whole ‘nother column.
Peace y’all