THE
aCspRSs
1
PILOT
April 1, 1987
APRIL FOOLS!
Gardner-A\febb College
Nothing in the Issue is True!
BOILING SPRINGS, NORTH CAROLINA
Faculty to Appear
in Girltoy Magazine
During a news conference, March
30, Drs. Jeff Elwell and David
DeGraaf announced plans to "bare it
all" in the May issue of Girltoy
magazine. The controversial
announcement has raised eyebrows
across the Gardner-Webb College
campus and throughout the surrounding
community.
Photos of Elwell and DeGraaf
will be used in a special graduation
edition of Girltoy. Short
biographies of the professors will be
included in the issue with Elwell
reputedly saying, "Someday I’ll be a
famous playwright," and DeGraaf
saying, "Rock collecting is so keen."
Of his plans, Dr. Elwell told
the Pilot, "I think the exposure will
be good for my career." DeGraaf went
on to say, "Geology is such a
sedentary field, I want people to
see... me as more than a professor."
Despite administration
disapproval, the GW student body
strongly suppoi'ts the decision of
the two professors. Says student
Jane Smith, " I think its good
publicity for
Bookstore manager,
has ordered an extra
the May edition
anticipation of the great
the magazine.
Elwell and DeGraaf have agreed
to several autographing sessions to
be held in the bookstore exam week.
Commerative issues will also be
sold during graduation exercises. May
16.
the
Freida
college."
Collins,
5,000 copies of
of Girltoy in
demand for
Evening meal calamity kills 4.
Smiling Dr. Elwell after photo
session.
Star
Named
Dean
Recently,
the College’s
Search Committee
announced its
selection of Dr.
Frank Bonner to
replace Dr. John
Drayer, as Vice-
President for
Academic Affairs.
Bonner, a
native of
Cinncinati, Ohio,
is best
remembered for
his performance
as Herb Tarlik in
the long-running
sitcom "WKRP in
Cincinnati".
Bonner’s
expertise in
administration
was gained by
previous work in
advertising and
the operation of
a radio station.
The new Dean
is looking
forward to
working at
Gardner-Webb and
in its small town
atmosphere. "I
am so glad to be
getting away from
big-city life, a
harrowing re-run
schedule and
especially Les
Nessman," says
Bonner. "When I
get tired of the
office, I can
always go over to
Gar dner-W ebb
Goes Heavy Metal
In an
attempt to
appease a hostile
student body,
Melvin Lutz
announced Tuesday
that heavy metal
metal legend Ozzy
Osbourne will
play for the
Spring Jubilee.
Osbourne famous
for his violent
acts of violence,
has chosen to
have Iron Maiden
as his warm-up
band.
Although
Oszy was forced
to sign a rider
that prohibited
killing on stage,
he personally
told this
reporter that,
".just ’cause I
can’t kill,
doesn’t mean that
I won’t hurt
somethings i "
When asked if he
would change his
lyrics, Oz
i'eplied, "H#$%
no! You gotta
dance with the
girl that brought
ya to the dance."
SCB chaii'man Kave
Deim said, "You
can call me Kave.
This is
definitely the
best thing that
has happened to
this place in a
long time. I
only wish that we
could have gotten
Unlimited Defense
Spending.
Unfortunately,
hiowever; the
signing of
Osbourne has
brought one bad
thing along with
it- each ticket
will cost $125.
m sure
right
of his
Dean
I ' .iT.'J' ■' "
WGWG and I
I’ll feel
at home."
Some
goals as
include enlarging
WGWG and making
it a commercial,
rock-n-roll
station, as well
as promoting the
wearing of
polyester on
campus.
"Gardner-
Webb , at present,
is almost
entirely a
natural fiber
campus and I’d
like to see a lot
more polyester,
double-knit
leisure suits on
campus as vjell as
a few more gix-ls
who look like
Loni Anderson."
Welcome Dean
Bonner! We hope
you are able to
achieve your
goals and have a
successful reign
at G-W!