Newspapers / Gardner-Webb University Student Newspaper / March 29, 1990, edition 1 / Page 8
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APWIL FUULZ! AND A HAPIE LATE ST. PATWIX DAY FROM DA STAFF OF DA PILE IT! GWC to Start Worm Farm, says Bone Honor’s Director Rudy Demon Bone recently announced that the GWC honor’s program will start a worm farm to raise money for the program. Female worms will be gathered from GWC sidewalks after rainstorms. These will then be bred with a special $500 stud which has been ordered from Sri Lanka, a country known internationally for its hardy worms. "Fm very excited about this undertak ing," said Dr. Bone. "This should really make the honor’s program visible on cam pus." Honor’s president J. Lynn S. Britt shares his enthusiasm. "I’m really looking forward to working with the worms. The whole thing reminds me of my Uncle Stan, who has a worm farm in Lithuania," she said. Honor’s economic advisor Marty El more said, 'The initial investment, the $500 stud and everything, should pay for itself within two years at the least. There’s quite a market for worms in this area." Honor’s scientific advisor P. Dawn Jestes said, "I will supervise the breeding, since worms are my specialty. We expect to feed a lot of fish with these babies." GWC President Chris White ex- Student Traces GWC student and celebrated author of Back to Lithuania: My Proto-Indo- European Roots. Lynn Shuman announced in a Friday press conference that she will leave soon to be reunited with family in Lithuania, which has just declared itself in dependent of the Soviet Union. The government of Lithuania, which is inhabited mostly by Proto-Indo- Europeans, would not allow anyone to leave or enter the country. But, a new government has been set up which is allow ing more freedom of movement. "I can’t wait to be reunited with Uncle Stan and Aunt Roxy," Shuman said. At the press conference, Shuman also pressed his support. "I don’t know of any school in North Carolina that has its own worm farm. This should put Gardner-Webb on the map once and for all!" Dean Bank Fronner hopes that the purchase of the Sri Lankan stud will precipitate further relations with the country. "I would love to see a student ex change program with Sri Lanka University. This could be the first step." Only Dr. Dennis Quinn does not sup port the project. "It’s out and out slavery! We have no right to interfere with the lives of those helpless little creatures!" Quinn was arrested Thursday after picketing Dr. Bone’s office for two hours, refusing to let him leave. "I was shocked," said Dr. Bone. "I always knew Dennis was radical, but I never dreamed he’d take worms so serious ly." Quinn said, "I can’t believe Rudee would stoop so low. Doesn’t he know we all have the right to squirm as we please?!" Political commentator. Dr. Stony Westman, commented, 'This is just another attention-getting ploy of Quinn’s-like that streaking episode last year with that Wild Bill Stowe!" And, as the mud-slinging intensifies, you can count on The Pilot to keep you informed. Family Roots told a little family history. The Shumanovitches (Lithuanian spelling) first distinguished themselves when Igneous Shuihanovitch discovered the word for stone in 3500 B.C. Now, quite an old codger, Shuman says her Uncle Ig claims, "I’m going to keep discovering words until I go to that big lexicon in the sky!" Shuman hopes to persuade her rela tives to return vnth her to the states. She then plans to start her next book in col laboration with Bill Stowe, who also claims to be of Proto-Indo-European background. The book. The Proto-Indo-European Emancipation will appear in the GWC bookstore in August. Celebs Flock to GWC Sources close to The Pilot have revealed that many famous people have been found hiding out on the Gardner- Webb College campus in the disguise of students and faculty. Singer Rick Astley has been seen posing as a freshman student named Ron Smith. What an unoriginal name!! Former Surgeon General C. Everette Coop has been unmasked portraying Wild Bill Stowe. (I always wondered about that Rhetoric and Grammar class!) Warning: Communications is hazardous to your health! After a long run on Broadway, "Little Orphan Annie" has showed up on the GWC campus as Amber Culver, Director of Resi dents Life. No wonder she’s a "Tomorrow" sort of person! Tom Cruise has taken a break from his million-dollar career to become president of the freshman class under the alias of Mike McCalley. How else do you think he can afford that Porsche?! History majors beware! The Social Science department has been infiltrated by none other than Elmer Fudd, calling him self Barry Hambright! (I didn’t think there was a "Wussia" or "Wome" on my map!!) Mr. T has donated his jewelry and shaved his mohawk! He has decided to play football here at GWC. Look for him as number 95, Rodney T. Scott. (That’s why he has no middle name!!) The Pilot staff urges everyone to keep an eye out for other celebrities who are roaming the campus and let us know so that we can keep you in touch. Dr. White’s Newest Hobby Dr. M. Christopher White recently returned from Japan a changed man. It seems that Dr. White, following the advice of Dr. Bonner, visited a sumo wrestling match. While at the match, Dr. White was mistaken for Yomototo Kiaki, world famous sumo wrestler and defending cham pion of the Nagasaki Invitational. Being a stranger in a strange land. Dr. White could not bring himself to deny that he was indeed Kiaki. One thing led to another, and Dr. White ended up in the ring. Dr. White, apparently still unaware what was going on, tried to flee the ring. However, before he could reach the floor, 375 pounds of prime Japanese sumo wrestler grabbed him and pulled him back into the middle of the ring. Of course, our fair president did not know where to go from there; but, he sud denly remember a move that Elvis Presley made in one of his movies— he sang to his adversary. White deployed the manuever and easily defeated a stunned Saipan Sun rise. One by one, as opponents would step into the ring. Dr. White would begin to sing and drive his opponent out of the ring. By the time the smoke had cleared. White had been crowned champion of the Hiroshima Open, an honor never before achieved by an American. At the awards banquet, the president thanked the Japanese for allowing him to compete in the event. He even offered to sing a song, but was quickly escorted for the banquet hall. Reliable sources say White will defend his title next year. HAVE YOU SEEN THESE MEN? IF SO PLEASE REPORT THEM TO THE FBI A.S.A.P! THESE MEN ARE THE INFAMOUS "WEBB BOYS" AND ARE WANTED IN ALL 50 STATES FOR RIPPING THE TAGS OFF OF MATTRESSES. SUBSTANTIAL REWARD IS BEING OFFERED FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO THE ARREST OF ANY AND ALL THESE HORRENDOUS THUGS.
Gardner-Webb University Student Newspaper
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March 29, 1990, edition 1
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