North Carolina Newspapers

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Gardner-Webb University
No. 15 April 1,1994
All The News Unfit To Print!
Boiling Springs, NC
News Briefs
• Cafeteria loses recipe for Frito Pie - students
• Dr. Eastman discovers the Boiling Spring is
actually Ponce de Leon's fabled Fountain of
• Benny Hinn to speak at Dimensions.
• Apache helicopter donated to University
Police to enforce parking.
• Stephen Spielberg to teach a course in film-
making this fall - sign up now, space is lim
• Dr. Jones' superhuman intelligence attrib
uted to special alien implant after being ab
ducted by the mother ship.
• Royster Hall is the setting for the new film
Animal House II- filming starts next year.
• New dress code established: ankle length
skirts and blouses. Women’s uniforms to be
announced later.
• Audrey Sloan on the run after it was found out
that she was actually a migrant peach picker
from Gafney prior to her current job as intra
mural director. If found, she will be extradited
back to Gaffney.
• Big Foot seen drinking out of Lake Hollifield.
SEA goes grunge in
by Thomas “So you don't like what I have
to say, well stand in line.” Zimmerman
a really nice guy
The Student Entertainment Association
has planned the Spring Formal. This year,
grunge is the theme, and flannel is the re
quired dress.
The decoration committee has gone all
out. They have decided to erect a replica of the
Seattle sky needle as the centerpiece of the
dance floor. The tables will be decked out with
flannel table cloths, and red candles (inspired
by Nirvana) will be the centerpieces.
Also, as a tribute to Ministry and indus
trial music, S and L Sounds will be showing
video footage of really disgusting things, while
spinning the best grun ge and industrial music
If you haven’t already, you will get your
fill of Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice In Chains,
Candlebox, Stone Temple Pilots, and
Mudhoney; stage-diving is encouraged.
Bring extra money for photographs be
cause you don't want to miss a chance to
preserve your Spring Formal night forever on
film. You will have your choice of Eddy
Vedder (of Pearl Jam) or Chirs Cornell (of
Soundgarden - with your option of long or
short hair) cutouts to pose with.
So, if you really want to get hot and
sweaty at G-W University, the Spring Formal
is the place to be. Remember, no flannel, no
entry. Who cares if it’s spring.
Plans for Hamrick renovations finally unveiled
by I. M. Nodayanky
staff libelist
In 1985, a fund drive was started to
renovate Hamrick Hall.
Recently there was a large endowment
donated by a Gardner-Webb alumnus.
There were a few conditions on the gift.
First, there will be a name change to reflect the
donor’s name. The new name will be the
Dan “Saw” Knight building.
He made his fortune in the logging busi
ness. He did most of his logging in the Miami
forest, but when his resources were depleted
he had to move on to other locations.
Secondly,there will be a restaurant chain
constructed on the DCC side of the Hamrick
building. There are three chains in the run
ning, Red Lobster, Ruby Tuesdays, and Hoot
ers. The restaurants will be making their bids
and the decision will be made on May 2.
The third requirement is that there be a
logging school started at GWU, and that it be
named after his father. The official name will
be the Indie Darkov Knight school of logging.
These students will begin practicing be
hind lake Hollifield, before its expansion of 40
acres which covers three quarters of the foot
ball field. Don't worry, GWU will still have a
football team and a place to play.
For a meager fee. Crest will be allowing
us to use their field.
The fourth and final condition is that
there will be a dance club constructed in the
auditorium. It will be named the Spider's
Webb. It will be a hard rock club. Construc
tion will begin in late April.
The Student Entertainment Association
has arranged for Journey and Led Zeppelin to
open up for Menudo on opening night, to kick
off of the threesome’s “Come Back World
Ground Floor
Hammrick/ Knight Building
Movie Theatre
Indoor Croquet
Ruby Tuesdi
or Red Lobsi
Dance Club
1 1
Upper floors will be used for
Student Publications, Student
Government Offices, and other
Student Organizations.
Watch for the commercials on Webb-Net
and MTV.
This generous gift has been highly praised
and it even coincides with pre-existing goals
of the Board of Trustees.
The school and the administration anx
iously awaits its completion.
SGA finally releases Stealth Constitution
Here are a few legislative highlights of the new SGA Stealth Constitution:
• No one will be allowed to make fun of Pond Hollifield.
• There will be an electoral college chosen by the existing SGA officers to vote on the
officers for the next year.
• All students will be required to attend all SEA events.
• All students who don't support this constitution, and the writers of it, will be required
to wear a yellow arm band with an Anarchy symbol on it. These students will also be
relocated to live in Bost gym.
• If an arm-band wearing student passes by the flag pole and does not salute the plaque
honoring the donators of the flag, they will be locked in stocks behind the DCC and
be hit with rubber hoses by the non-armband wearers.
• Only the constitution supporters will be allowed to park on campus; the writers will
have a parking spot in front of every building.
• Any actions to impeach the SGA officials will cause the pursuant to be punished
above and beyond the crime. They will be forced to dance 24 hours straight with the
little girl in the Blind Melon Video.
• Anyone found plagiarizing will be brutally beaten and forced to do “grunt” work for The Pilot.
Compiled by I. M. Nodayanky

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