Newspapers / St. Andrews University Student … / March 20, 1975, edition 1 / Page 3
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THE LANCE THURSDAY, MARCH 20, 1975 PAGE THREE If You Think Things Are Bad... 'TirrtAc lilfp thp«p WPTn to notfi Of ainnm intA fha Times like these seem to exemplify an oft-quoted remark of Will Rogers: “Last year people said, ‘Things can’t go on like this.’ And they didn’t. Tliey got wa-se.” Sudi times are the seasoi of joy for the cynic. Millicxis of optimists are converted, joining the hard-boiled core of super-cynics who, no matter how much good news there is, can always find a grey lining in a silver doud. The cynic lives his life con fident that things can only go downhill. If his prediction in a particular case fails to become fact, he stands un daunted, insisting that the only reason it didn’t happen is to get your hopes i^) and reallv dash them later on. Cynics bring a refreshing note of gloom into the rosy picture of life that is con stantly forced upon us by rabid optimists. In the midst of all the jollity att^dant upon last Christmas, for example, a naticmal magazine ran, as its cover story, “The Last Christmas In America.” George Meany, president of the AFL-CIO, is presently traveling abbout the country proclaiming with vigor the advent of a new Great DepressiMi. If ever there is established a Cynic’s Hall of Fame (more than likely it would not on the theory that no one would come) the first member should be author-journalist Ambrose Bierce. Bierce, who wrote for the San Francisco Exininer from 1887 to 18%, is best known today as the author of a number of ironic short stories. He also com posed “The Devils’ Dic tionary,” a cynical com pendium of definitions, among which can be found the following; Friendless: having no favors to bestow. Historian: a broad-gauge gossip. Hypocrite: one who aijoys the advantage of seeming to be what he despises. Love: temporary insanity, curalde by marriage. Saint: a dead sinner revised and edited. Trichinosis: The pig’s answer to pork chops. Bore: one who talks when you wish him to listen. Ambassador: A politician who, having failed to be elected to office, is given one on the condition he leave the country. Distance: the (mly thing the ridi are willing for the poor to call their own, and keep. Bierce, incidentally, was last seen in Mexico in 1914 covering Pancho Villa’s Wars. Many requests have come across this desk lately for copies of Murphy’s Laws. For those unacquainted witii the Eight Commandments of Cynicism, Murphy’s Laws ex plain the how things go wrong. They were devised by a person named Murphy who, in the ^irit of the Laws them selves, is otherwise forgotten by history. They are reproduced here as a public service. 1. In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong. 2. Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse. 3. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will go wrong is the (xie that will do the most damage. 4. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 5. Life is a bitdi. (Whit tington’s Corollary) 6. If everything^ems to be going well, you have ob viously overlooked something. 7. If any two people are in agreement, thev must be talking about different things. (Vaughan’s Corollary) 8. Entropy is increasing. (Tylff Miller’s Rule) So folks, if you think things are bad now, just wait. -Lin Thom|WOT Common Experiences Announced Whitney Jones, Chairman of the Conmion Experience at St. Andrews recently an nounced the Experience schedule for April and May. Jones said that the highlight of the April occasions would be “The Return to the Body in the Church Today,” a presen- tatiai by Anne Smith, as well as the Howard Hanger Trio. This will involve dance,music and multi-media per formances, as well as lectures and discussions. Professor Jones indicated. The main event of the May Common Ejq)erience is the appearance of novelist John Barth on May 8 and 9. Barth- a National Book Award Win ner for fiction-teaches at the University of Buffalo and is presently guest professor at Johns Hopkins. “The New York Times” has called him “The best writCT of fiction we have at present, and one of the best we’ve ever had.” Michigan Prof Reviews Bayes THE HOWARD HANGER TRIO - (clockwise from top) Howard Hanger - piano; Rob Jackson - saxophone, guitar; Martm Parker - drums; A. D. - bass, guitar. Review Awarded Grant J. Bruce Frye, Business Manager for the ST. ADREWS REVIEW an nounced this week that the Nortii Carolina Arts Council has awarded THE REVIEW a $2,000 grant to provide it with literary assistance in the areas of production and awar ds to young writers. Frye said that the an nouncement, coming from Jean Poston, Financial Coor dinator for the Arts Council, was “truly good news. This is the fifth consecutive year that the magazine, edited by Malcolm Doubles and Ron Bayes has received a con siderable boost from the council.’’ Porpoise, uy Ronald H. Bayes. R^ Clay Reader, Vol. vni, No. 2. Porpoise is a very unusual book ^about VIOLENCE. It’s violence rai Okinawa in 1967 (13 young guys beating a s— farmer to death) or violence at Drumkeerin, Ireland (father hits teacher who has hit his son) or in Japan (39 year old white collar worker and 21 year old geisha-double suicide)...at first it seems as if Bayes is saying that violen ce stimulates violence, causes violoice, but that certainly isn’t all he’s saying, in fact, quoting Henry Adams, Hob bes, Eliot, W.C. Williams, Kia-kegaard, he seeins to be saying that men are innately sons of b—and dolphins are the nice guys: Bouy star and spar ,my Dolphin. The poem is repertorial, contains (like Paterson) chunks and bits of “real life,’’ clippings, facts, quotes, almost no editorializing- whidi makes the reader draw his own conclusions. In fact the poem is almost like raw, unprocessed data, an an thology of related facts in which tee relatiai isn’t really pointed out. This is “major” poetry, perhaps just a little too recognizable as part of the Pound-Olsen-Williams “majo- r tradition”, perhaps not. At any rate Bayes, 42 and still fuming, ought to be on anyone’s list of poets to soak yourself in, for fun and edification. -Hugh Fox (Hu^ Fox, who appeared on toe St. Andrews campus last year, is professor of American Studies at Michigan State University and wrote this review for the latest issue of Small Press Review.) the FRItNOLIiST STO^ IN THg NEIQHgOWHOOP Large Selection of Beers, Wines And Mixers A variety of Snacks Having A Party? Cail Us 7 a.m. to 12:00 p.n>- ^ * *** Highway 401 Below the South Campu» Entrance w EASTER Shoes For The College Scene frail rowr. All the best things in one shoe
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