page 2
Glance ^Pril 1, 19^9
Concord Up in
Arms Over
Prust's Platonic Verses
Richard Prust, Professor of
Philosopfiy, and author, has re
portedly received threats on his
life. Prust has stated that he has
received threats by telephone,
mail, and telepathic channels. The
threats are believed to be related
to Prust's newly published book,
The Platonic Verses.
The Platonic Verses is a novel
which deals with the residents of
Concord Hall. In the novel, Prust
describes the Concordials resi
dents as "virgins" and "nun-like."
Although the book is, and is publi
cized as, fiction, there is reportedly
a bounty on Prust's head.
When asked about the book,
.Concodials agree that Prust
should pay the ultinnate penalty for
chastising their chasity. One
resident, who wished to remain
iinonymous, but lives in suite one,
said, "The book is a piece of
garbage (pronounced gar-bahzh).
We are teases at the very worst."
Others warned that the threats
should not be taken lightly, and
that at certain times of the month
women can be be much more
vicious and vindictive than men
would dare imagine.
The ultimate sin that Prust seems
to have committed is his flagrant
insult of the virgin goddess, Vanna
White. \Nh\le,o\ Wheel of Fortune
and Venus fame, has had her
oood name and virtuous virtues
Dragged through the mud by
Prust, according to Concord
terrorists. "It is written in our by
laws yhat anyone who insults the
virgin goddess, or penetrates our
privacy, is doomed to death",
seated one resident.
The college bookstore has
reportedly removed all copies of
the book from their shelves. This
incident infuriated Writer-in-
Residence Ron Bayes. "This is a
f agrant act of censorship," said
: ayes. " We are letting a bunch
of blood-thirsty, vendetta-seeking,
midol addicts dictate what we-can
and can not read." Bayes added
that he intended to use the book
as a text to his classes next fall
entitled "20th Century Virgins"."
Prust has reportedly gone into
hiding as a result of the death
threats. His whereabouts have
not been disclosed, but rumours
have been circulated that he is on
campus and hiding in a place that
no student would dare adventure.
t\/1ost people believe that place to
be Dean Greer's office.
Prust is scheduled to make an
apology to the Concordites, but
many feel that will not be enough
to save his skin. Others do not
want Prust to apologize because
he would be compromising a
principle. Some say he would be
allowing these extremists to hold
the literary world hostage. And
still others do not want him to
apologize because the terrorists
have threatned to blow up SAGA.
When contacted by telephone,
Prust seemed whimsical about the
ordeal. When asked if he took the
threats seriously, Prust stated,
"Oh, I take the threats very
seriously. But what I doulDt is the
incentive which has been provided
for taking my scalp...er...hide."
Prust was referring to the $25 in
'downtown dollars'.
When asked for his views on the
situation, Dr. W.D. White, Distin
guished Professor of the Humani
ties, and expert on sexual ethics
stated," Virginity is not something
to be made light of. May people
feel compelled to hide their
virginity. Whether through peer
pressure or changing social
mores, virginity is beginning to
rear its ugly head. A certain virgin
phobia has emerged. Prust has
placed himself in a grave predica
ment." White also added that
open-minded individuals, who do
not participate in virginity, should
use a good latex condom.
Helpful Household Hints
with June Cleaver
On campus recently, I have heard discussion about
the 's' word. And if that wasn't enough, people
around here also are using the 'c' word. I think
contraceptives are disgusting-people using each
other for pleasure. Like Pope John Paul II says," We
are opposed to all forms of birth control with the ex
ception of natural family planning." It is such a sign
of the times when good Christians attempt to avoid
their responsibilities and the consequences of sexual
intercourse.
The worst thing is abortion, however. God gave us
our bodies so that we may reproduce and marriage
so that we don't sin. All extra-marital sex is wrong,
and those who do it it ought to be punished.
What we should all go out and do is join those
brave souls who are risking arrest by opposing the
killers who wish to kill the unborn. Operation Rescue
is equivalent to the Civil Rights Movement. The
people who block the doors of clinics and harass and
intemidate those poor women are freedom fighters
like the contras.
While we are at it, we should also petition to end
sex education classes in our public schools. All they
do is promote incest (Jimmy Swaggart says so) and
are in home sales parties for abortions (says Phyllis
Schlafley). It is positively un-American to let this
deplorable situation continue.
Tip for the Week: To remove lipstick stains
from your collar, use a piece of white bread. Then
rinse in cold water. Remind her to use lip-gloss next
time you two tryst.
The Glance
P^naM Trump
: Sebasrian Qie.
Vofunrie 27 Nurnber 7
....editor in chief
manaijin^ editor
design dirc|ror
senior v.p. |dvcrriiising
a ssoc i a t e ■■ .v iii v
PiUi(Is and '|||; , ,;?j';'
t s y .£ v. *. 3Bt|l 'll«cker." ■Hiw' ^ f'' x;'? i'; ^ S" |,;
i!® ^ :iPoe i : ilf '' ;f;
Legal Counsel 8(jbha
The opinions expressed on these pages are noi necessarily those of the Glance.
Editorial remarks are the responsibility of the Editorial Bores. We do not
welcome and encourage unfavorable responses to our material, however
complaints can be made to Bmno "the Hook" Zapparelli, in c/o The Glance.