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THE PARODY
APRIL 1,1990 I/, a?
CAMPAIGN FAILS
By Chad Esposito
Asst. Editor
As tfie dogwoods aiong
joogwood Mile begin to age,
iTriBeta’s recent campaign
jto save and replenish tiie
dogwoods has failed. Ac-
jcording to one of the Tri-Beta
members only one tree was
bought. Tri-Beta members
say the lack of interest has
stemmed from the fact that
people are not attracted to
disposition of the dog
woods.
Tri-Beta recently sent out
surveys to students on what
;plant/tree they would lile to
|see line Dogwood Mile. The
surveys received we re u na ni-
mously in favor of the cactus.
After the results, Tri-Beta
started their adopt-a-cactus
campaign.
Bentley Crabtree, the chair
iof the prickly plant campaign,
Icommented on the recent
sales," The cacti have been
selling like wild flower. I was
WALL TO BE
TORN DOWN
The Physical Plant has already begun
the chopping down process.
as shocked as anyone on the the incoming cacti are being
interest in the cactus. Hey,
whatever pricls the commu
nities interest."
The old dogwoods on Dog
wood Mile are currently being
cut down, and the holes for
dug. Crabtree says that this
has been the best campaign
that Tri-Beta has come ud
By Michael Roberts
Editor-In-Chief
In a controversial decision
handed down by the Student
Life Office, the wall at the
end of the causewall, on
which many students con
vey personal feelings, po
etry, and artwork, vyill be torn
down in May.
In a Lanced interview.
Dean Greer, author of the
proposal, stated thatthe wall
no longer represents free
speech and freedom of ex
pression. "Like the Berlin
Wall," she said, "it is a sym-
j bol of restriction, bondage,
I and oppression."
with-one that
everyone's interest.
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Debate Record Broken
By Michael Roberts
Editor-In-Chief
The debate record, set by
the Debate Team only two
>>ionths ago, has been bro
ken by other members of the
St, Andrews community.
The team of Mary Griggs,
Dr. Mel Bringle, Laura Rose,
and Lee Sparacino broke
the world record by debating
the topic "What makes men
teically pond scum, and
“'hat should we do with
them?" The debate lasted
a" exhausting 269 hours,
wing the debate, the team
attempted to discern what
"lakes men scum of the
earth. Some suggested
reasons cited were that it
men have a penis, and
therefore experience "va
gina envy", or it is an over
bearing sex drive that makes
men slugs.
On the subject of what
should be done with men,
Lee Sparacino suggested
that since there is enough
frozen semen to insure fer
tilization for many years to
come, an unadulterated
liquidation of existing males
should take place. She also
suggested that each child
(well, it's not yet a child; just
a fetus) determined to be of
male persuasion be
aborted, no matter what the
“'-“cu were inai it aoonea, no manet wimi me
as a curse from God, who trimester. All of the debaters
'"Herinfinite wisdom, made
.women how
®ctthey are, or because
favored abortion. Woman's
body, woman's right and all
that crap. Griggs, however,
suggestedfhatthe male chil
dren (or pre-children, if you
will) be allowed to be born (if
that is what the mother
wishes) and be brought up to
better understand their role
in society as basically earth
worms.
Bobby Simpson, a mem
ber of the former record-
holding team, expressed
outrage at the new record.
"This is a farce," said
Simpson. "This is simply an
attempt to undermine the
achievement of the debate
team. The subject is ludi
crous and irrelevant, and the
arguments were staged and
amateurish. I'm going to get
some men together
and we're going to debate
their panties off."
Griggs said, "This is just
While some students said
:^that tearing down the wall
was a good idea because it
! J was another symbol of male
aggressiveness (these
same people wanted the bell
tower to be torn down be
cause it is a phallic symbol),
most were outraged by the
proposal.
John Reneslacis, a senior
withag.p.a.near4.0,andan
academic All-American in
baseball, and this year's
most qualified candidate for
senior class speaker, said,
"This wall is a part of our
heritage, our history, and our
identity. Tearing down the
wall would be an act of inde
cency, unkindness, and tyr
anny." He was later fired
from his job as R. A. of Alber-
marle.
Paul Dinkins, poet and
artist, was furious. He
stated, "#$%#(§)&*''%
*&%&$##!!.
%$$#@@$%''&. And by the
way, &''%*$!@@ those
%$&#@n in Student-
&%$#@!@ Life."
Because of student un
rest, the administration has
vowed to re-examine the
issue of the wall. Sources
say that a leak informed
administrators of the willing
ness of Dr. Neal Bushoven
to take action on behalf of
the students. Many will
remember Neal sitting
naked on the causewalk last
year to protest conditions in
Meek. Some say adminis
trators fear that he will do
something ugly, like letting
Wally Mann chain himself
nude to the wall. We don't
even need to discuss how
ugly that would be.
Continue to read this pub
lication, edited by males, for
furtherdevelopments. And if
you see Neal, please tell him
not to do anything drastic.
INSIDE
CONDOM MACHINES INSTALLED PG. 9
MECK SPONSORS 2ND ANNUAL WET-T CONTEST
PG.4
REPORT ON THE FIRE IN ORANGE PG. 8
BENTLEY CRABTREE FOUND SOBER PG. 69
COMPLETE BASEBALL7TENNIS SCHEDULES PG. 7