Jflnuorg 31> 1997
The complete Doofus' guide to
eicoellence in basketball fendom
by Suzyn Smith and Melissa Collins
Basketball is a big deal at SAPC. Unfortu
nately, some people don’t quite have a grasp
of the subtle intricacies of this quite
complex sport. I am one of those people.
That’s why I went to two basketball games
last week (the womens’ and mens’ games
against Mt, Olive,) sat next to Melissa
Collins, the Lance’s sports editor, and asked
every question that came to mind. This is
our conversation. Here’s hoping that this,
article will enlighten other basketball
doofuses as much as it enlightened me.
Okay, the other team has two fouls and we
have five. Does that mean we’re the
guys?
Nope. The ref has made a couple of bad
calls.
If the other team had five fouls and we
had two, would they be the bad guys?
(Melissa grins.)
No, as long as the fouls weren’t inten
tional.
There are a lot of numbers out there. How
come two people on different teams often
have the same number? Isn’t that confus
ing?
Maybe a little, but some numbers are
more popular than others because NBA
players have them. 23 is popular because of
Michael Jordan and 32 is popular because
of Magic Johnson.
Why do we wave our hands when someone
tries for a foul shot and yell “Whoosh” if
they make it?
Because it’s fun.
(I tried it a few more times. It is fun.)
Doesn’t yelling “SA” sound kind of
strange? It sounds like we’re cheering for
a piece of writing by H.L. Menken.
(Melissa gives me a funny look. We sink a
basket and struggle to think of an appropri
ate cheer.)
Yay us!
(Melissa looks at me funny again. Not cool.
One of the Mt. Olive players shoves a St.
Andrews player. She falls down. Someone
yells, “If she's on the ground, it's afoul!")
Why didn’t that Mt. Olive girl get fouled?
I guess the ref didn’t see it happen.
Do you think they’d notice if a Mt. Olive
player pulled a gun?
Probably.
(Ten minutes later, two more St Andrews
players have either fallen down or been
shoved.)
Either we’re doing some sort of Victorian
fainting thing or those guys are pretty
violent.
It s been a rough game. Our players
don’t normally fall down much at all.
I really don’t get this game.
That’s okay. Apparently, the refs don’t
either.
(The game ends. We won. After a little
while, the guys' game begins.)
How come some of the professors watched
the girl’s game and then left
before the guys game
began?
Because some profes
sors want to cheer on the
womens’ team. The womens’
games aren’t very well iH
attended.
Oh.
Did you know that we
have two players named
“Dion” and they both have
the same tattoo on their
arms?
Are you sure it’s not the
same guy?
(Melissa gives me that look
again. Chris Novella,
Melissa Moore and Sal
Morale come out in kilts.
Chris runs by and the crowd
goes nuts. Sal runs by and
you could hear a pin drop.)
How come every time Chris
tries to make us cheer, we
cheer, but every time Sal
tries to make us cheer, we
ignore him?
It’s a Novello thing.
(7 look back to the game.
We 're a little behind.)
We’re five points behind. Does this mean
we’re getting killed, or is it just a fluke?
Below twenty is just a fliike. If we’re
being beaten by more than twenty points,
we’re getting killed.
Why are those guys in such long shorts?
It’s a fashion thing. Michael Jordan
started it. But if you really want to see long
shorts, look at the University of Michigan.
They can tuck their shorts into their socks.
Fascinating. I’ve noticed that we some
times repeat cheers twice, sometimes three
times. How many times should you repeat
a cheer?
As many times as you need to.
(It is then Suzyn fully accepts that she will
never understand basketball.)
That was a neat little leap that guy did.
Mens’ games are often more aggres
sive than womens’ games.
(Mt. Olive player #34 is knocked to the
ground. It looks painful. Someone behind
me yells "34's a drama queen." Rough
sport.)
Are we getting killed yet? We’re fifteen
points behind.
No, really, unless you’re twenty
points behind, don’t worry. Basketball
moves fast.
(We would eventually win the game. That's
why Melissa gets paid the big bucks.)
Isn’t yelling to distract the other team
when they try to make a foul shot bad
sportsmanship?
No.
Why?
It’s a tradition as old as the game
itself
Why do they dribble the ball between their
legs?
The only time they are supposed to
do it is if someone on the other team is
trying to grab the ball.
So when they do it other times, are they
just showing off?
Yes.