St. Andrews University Student … /
Sept. 1, 1997, edition 1 /
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Fill In the Angst
Things that go BUMP BUMP BUMP in
(Except during quiet hours...)
“You are a worthy foe! I shall sing
a dirge in your honor and wear your skin
—Get of Fenris motto
There were dorm wars at St. An
drews long before Domino’s sanc
tioned any. These battles persist in the
halls today. Speakers are howitzers,
volume is ammunition, and communal
peace the casualty. It’s not so much a
“musical” combat but a contest of who’s
bass is turbulent enough to intimidate
all other CD players on campus past
their shock absorber limits. The con
cept of music doesn’t enter the tourna
ment. Music is incidental. Sonic in
tensity is the point.
I exaggerate. It’s not the commu
nity that’s in unrest. It’s me. I can’t get
rest anymore. The community can
snooze whenever they please. They
have the power to turn off their churn
ing sound cannons when they feel the
need. I have no contr9l over their dis
I thought I had escaped enlistment
in the musical jihad when I switched
dorms last year. I fled a 24-hour shrine
to Pearl Jam and 311 to a suite with “Do
not bring your evil music here” chis
eled over the entrance. My biggest
problem in my new location was avoid
ing a meeting in the suite bathroom with
The Guy Who Would Not Cover His
That eyesore did not return to St.
Andrews this semester, and though I re
joiced at his passing,
1 dreaded the un
known evil that
would ascend to fill
the void his absence
enough, an ancient
enemy came to haunt
noise was back and
more powerful than
ever before. I was
drafted into the ste
reo wars for a second
Now it’s up me to prevent the
gradual destruction of the human race.
Well, our eardrums, anyway.
OK, I’m not entirely alone in this
battle, but my allies are few and far
me... waaay behind me, as they say. Our
suite leader, happens to be my room
mate. Other non-offending suitemates
have been hiding in the trenches since
the guy in the room between mine and
the Audio Atrocity had the flesh shaken
from his bones like Jell-0 off a stick by
When a complaint was lodged to
the RA’s, they explained a concept
railed “Quiet Hours.” Non-designated
hours can be as audibly abusive as pos
sible. There are no limits to keep
someone’s souped-up system from
shifting tectonic plates during free time.
-1 have heard rumor that there are
others who face problems similar to
mine. The only solution I can volun
teer is to get a girlfriend in Concord.
Since I wouldn’t dare condone such
“co-habitation,” the best 1 can suggest
are tactics to avoid.
1. Do not try reasoning with the
enemy. Any attempt to bargain with the
offending party will ultimately end in
them throwing crushed beer cans at you.
(They’ll just crank up the bass immedi
ately after your departure anyway.)
2. Subtlety won’t work. Even if
those at the epicenter of the your resi
dent seismic evil could hear you play
ing “Enjoy the Silence” unabated, they
still wouldn’t get it.
3. Sometimes the noise leaks
from a room whose occupants consis
tently leave their door open, not from
an abominable speaker system. Asking
those residents to close their door is a
very bad idea. They see themselves as
great suitemates in that they are con
siderate enough to share their music
with you. Such people offend easily and
should not be taunted or fed.
4. Turning on the popcorn maker
and the microwave to blow the fuse for
your half of the suite may sound like a
good idea, but what are YOU going to
do without power? Sleep?
Wow. I’ve gotta go make pop
I exaggerate. It's
not the community
that's in unrest,
This skit illustrates the futility of Strategy to Avoid #1.
It is absolutely not based on personal experience so
please don't hurt me.
YOU: (Make knob turning motion. THEY feign confusion.) Could
you tum it down?
THEM: (Lower the stereo volume to hear YOUr complaint. They
like to hear YOUr suffering so they may laugh about YOU later.)
Why? We don’t have to until 1.
YOU: I woke up when I heard my roomie scream. Your bass
caused my loft to creep across the room and.. .well, one of its legs
is in his chest. I wouldn’t complain but it makes this sucking sound
every time the rumbling causes the loft to bounce.
THEM: Heh. What were you doing asleep? It’s 9:30.
YOU: I couldn’t sleep through your Yanni-fest this morning and I
was up late last night.. .That’s not the point. I couldn’t go back to
sleep anyway. It’s just now I can’t hear my TV.
THEM: Scoff. Don’t you have volume on your TV?
YOU: I do, but your stereo is too loud.
[It’s not that THEM don’t understand, THEM just don’t care. After
all, why shouldn’t THEM be able to play their thousand dollar ste
reo system at its fullest potential? Despite the fact that I would love
to see something horrible happen to it, something involving a crow
bar or a pack of rhinos in heat, I can’t think of a single reason.]
THEM: Hmm. Why don’t you go back to your room and tum up
your TV? We’ll increase our bass and you can tell us to stop
before you can’t here your TV anymore.
YOU: (Leave j ust before the beer cans hit their mark.)
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