Newspapers / St. Andrews University Student … / Sept. 1, 1997, edition 1 / Page 2
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2 CommFntHcy^ September 1997 Fill In the Angst Things that go BUMP BUMP BUMP in (Except during quiet hours...) “You are a worthy foe! I shall sing a dirge in your honor and wear your skin with pride!” —Get of Fenris motto There were dorm wars at St. An drews long before Domino’s sanc tioned any. These battles persist in the halls today. Speakers are howitzers, volume is ammunition, and communal peace the casualty. It’s not so much a “musical” combat but a contest of who’s bass is turbulent enough to intimidate all other CD players on campus past their shock absorber limits. The con cept of music doesn’t enter the tourna ment. Music is incidental. Sonic in tensity is the point. I exaggerate. It’s not the commu nity that’s in unrest. It’s me. I can’t get rest anymore. The community can snooze whenever they please. They have the power to turn off their churn ing sound cannons when they feel the need. I have no contr9l over their dis turbing devices. I thought I had escaped enlistment in the musical jihad when I switched dorms last year. I fled a 24-hour shrine to Pearl Jam and 311 to a suite with “Do not bring your evil music here” chis eled over the entrance. My biggest problem in my new location was avoid ing a meeting in the suite bathroom with The Guy Who Would Not Cover His Area. That eyesore did not return to St. Andrews this semester, and though I re joiced at his passing, 1 dreaded the un known evil that would ascend to fill the void his absence created. Soon enough, an ancient enemy came to haunt me...aga'in. The noise was back and more powerful than ever before. I was drafted into the ste reo wars for a second tour. Now it’s up me to prevent the gradual destruction of the human race. Well, our eardrums, anyway. OK, I’m not entirely alone in this battle, but my allies are few and far aparto yiMyc'Wemroate’^^betliind. me... waaay behind me, as they say. Our suite leader, happens to be my room mate. Other non-offending suitemates have been hiding in the trenches since the guy in the room between mine and the Audio Atrocity had the flesh shaken from his bones like Jell-0 off a stick by shock waves. When a complaint was lodged to the RA’s, they explained a concept railed “Quiet Hours.” Non-designated hours can be as audibly abusive as pos sible. There are no limits to keep someone’s souped-up system from shifting tectonic plates during free time. -1 have heard rumor that there are others who face problems similar to mine. The only solution I can volun teer is to get a girlfriend in Concord. Since I wouldn’t dare condone such “co-habitation,” the best 1 can suggest the night are tactics to avoid. 1. Do not try reasoning with the enemy. Any attempt to bargain with the offending party will ultimately end in them throwing crushed beer cans at you. (They’ll just crank up the bass immedi ately after your departure anyway.) 2. Subtlety won’t work. Even if those at the epicenter of the your resi dent seismic evil could hear you play ing “Enjoy the Silence” unabated, they still wouldn’t get it. 3. Sometimes the noise leaks from a room whose occupants consis tently leave their door open, not from an abominable speaker system. Asking those residents to close their door is a very bad idea. They see themselves as great suitemates in that they are con siderate enough to share their music with you. Such people offend easily and should not be taunted or fed. 4. Turning on the popcorn maker and the microwave to blow the fuse for your half of the suite may sound like a good idea, but what are YOU going to do without power? Sleep? Wow. I’ve gotta go make pop corn. -Greg Chatham I exaggerate. It's not the community that's in unrest, it's me This skit illustrates the futility of Strategy to Avoid #1. It is absolutely not based on personal experience so please don't hurt me. YOU: (Make knob turning motion. THEY feign confusion.) Could you tum it down? THEM: (Lower the stereo volume to hear YOUr complaint. They like to hear YOUr suffering so they may laugh about YOU later.) Why? We don’t have to until 1. YOU: I woke up when I heard my roomie scream. Your bass caused my loft to creep across the room and.. .well, one of its legs is in his chest. I wouldn’t complain but it makes this sucking sound every time the rumbling causes the loft to bounce. THEM: Heh. What were you doing asleep? It’s 9:30. YOU: I couldn’t sleep through your Yanni-fest this morning and I was up late last night.. .That’s not the point. I couldn’t go back to sleep anyway. It’s just now I can’t hear my TV. THEM: Scoff. Don’t you have volume on your TV? YOU: I do, but your stereo is too loud. [It’s not that THEM don’t understand, THEM just don’t care. After all, why shouldn’t THEM be able to play their thousand dollar ste reo system at its fullest potential? Despite the fact that I would love to see something horrible happen to it, something involving a crow bar or a pack of rhinos in heat, I can’t think of a single reason.] THEM: Hmm. Why don’t you go back to your room and tum up your TV? We’ll increase our bass and you can tell us to stop before you can’t here your TV anymore. YOU: (Leave j ust before the beer cans hit their mark.)
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