Why I Sold Out and Joined The Lancc
"I know I could write stuff for
The Lance that would get
people to read it, but getting
people to read it is not in ac
cordance with my life's goals."
-Nathaniel Lewis
There are no sacred
cows, they are all hamburger
fodder. Join me as I bite the
hand that feeds, beat a dead
horse and engage in several
more cliches that would make
interesting titles for pom flicks!
(Try th is at home! Popular cul
ture references count, too:
Surge!, "The taste of the next
generation," All I Ever Really
Needed to Know 1 Learned in
When I make believe that
my peers read The Lance, I
imagine them having one ques
tion for me. Thiinecessitates;
additionally pretending that
students would also know who
I am. (College has taught me
how to pretend at several things
at once. I can act like I'm not in
the classroom and imagine 1
don’t hate the professor at the
same time!) Assuming they
cared as well, someone might
ask why I sold out and wrote
for The Lance.
It was once my goal to
establish a new campus paper.
The Heretic. Everyone 1 asked
was willing to assist my coup,
but I found getting articles out
of them as difficult as getting
people to join The Lance, or
even read it. Other complica
tions included a spy in my
ranks and the machinations of
the SA administration. The lat
ter booted one of my primary
co-conspirators out of school
on the flimsy charge of failure,
for missing more than 3 class
sessions. (It was a class you
could otherwise pass without
attending. Try and guess which
one. See if you can list more
than 15!) I even got my friend,
Marlon Carey to agree to de
fect from this paper to mme,
though this might have done
less damage to The Lance
than it would have done to my
sources. Point being, it's GK to
admit to us that this paper bores
the hell out of you.
Ehuing my Winter Term off
When I make believe that my
peers read The Lance, I imagine
them having one question for me.
This necessitates additionally pre
tending that students would also
know who I am.
chances. There was also that
little matter of my insistence
that the paper be called The
Heretic.
“.'IJtiwSAfter my plans to put
together a rival paper were
slowly deconstructed, I reluc
tantly acknowledged that it
didn't matter. The Lance
would be its own undoing.
My efforts were only meant
to offer that friendly push to
wards the edge of the roof, like
lending a handgun to the sui
cidal friend. 77ieLa«cewouId
still go through with it. It
would just have to endure the
five-day waiting period.
By this point, someone
is mad. Whee!
For parents and faculty
members who feel pressured
to publicly insist that The
Lance is a useful method of
communication between stu
dents, here's relief I'm not the
only student here who be
lieves this paper lacks worth.
(I'm just the one impetuous
enough to try and get the sen
timent published.)
Backlogs of The Lance
left outside the cafeteria are
used for, well. I'm sure once
you get that far down the
chain, there's still something
you can do with such re
in my dorm room didn't work.
This Fall Term, my roommate
and I had given up hope that a
campus maintenance crew
would ever drop in to fix it. We
decided to open it up and see if
we could do some damage our
selves. Pulling it out, we dis
covered it wasn't an air condi
tioning unit at all: it was an an
cient 8-track tape recorder.. I
carefully replaced it in the ceil
ing, where it's still recording as
I write this. (Is it possible they
can interpret by sound alone
which keys I'm pressing?) I
knew I had to expose the con-
campus, I met someone who told
me that when she was in high
school, her paper was only
sought after by students who
wanted to find out what was for
lunch. My high school paper, 77ie
Rank and PUe Foul, was only a
commodity when it was raining
and someone forgot an umbrella.
Students here wouldn't even use
The Lance for that. What if the
ink bled and you got Eddie Pear
stains on your face?
I write this without disre
spect to the half dozen students
who diligently and stubbornly
put together the paper in disre
gard of popular opinion. This
paper bites.
It's impossible to put to
gether an interesting paper when
the same two people write all the
articles. Things can't be made
timely either, because the primary
writer has to put the paper to
gether for the printer in addition
to her other responsibilities.
Without more staff members. The
Lance can't escape association
with other campus easy-joke fod
der like Crossroads and Currently
Nameless (a.k.a. Permanently
Nameless.)
Why do we do it? I can't
speak for anyone else, but here's
my story: When I moved into Or
ange last year, the air conditioner
spiracy. Lacking my own
public forum, I decided to co
opt The Lance for my own
purposes.
The truth is that St.
Andrews has issues. Over the
summer, in a non-awakened
state similar to the one my
roommate was in when he
decided he would be suite
leader, I realized a few. Lack
ing my own public forum...
Besides, now it's my job to
hate things. That's some
thing that I don't have to
make believe that students do
here.
-Greg Chatham
The Lflnce
Edjtor-ln-Chief
Suzyn Smith
Sports Editor
Melissa Collins
Columnist
Greg Chatham
Cfirtoonists
Marlon Carey
Billy Christiansen
StRff Writers
Mary Fleetwood Donna Eliot-Thomton
Jason Cohen Sara Griffitt
Gail Menius Mikey Romano
Maya Pottenkulam
The Lflnce is produced, edited, ond
designed by St. Andrews students. The
Lonce is printed by the Lourinburg Ex-
chflnge in Lflurinburg, NC. Letters to the
Editor flre welcomed, but must include nnme
find e-mnil address.