Newspapers / St. Andrews University Student … / Nov. 10, 2003, edition 1 / Page 8
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8 Off the Wall The Lance Revolution X By Patch Adams Bush said no child would be left behind This is the land And yet kids from inner-city schools If you’re politically assertive Work on Central jingling cans that They call you a traitor and read Damn you to ostracism. “Please sir, may I have some more?” Say goodbye to Johnny Walker And his family. They hand out diplomas like toilet paper So maybe And lower school standards My ideas about this nation Because Don’t revolve around perfection Underpaid, unrespected school teach But at least I know ers Education is more important Are afraid of losing their jobs Than money. Funded by the standardized test That show our competency Land of the free... When I’m in detox. If this was utopia This is the land of the free... We’d have to see each other naked Before we got married. Where the statute for rape is only five But instead we see each other naked damn years! all the time And immigrants can’t run for Because the government has my President. social security number Where Muslims are hunted because And the name of my dog. Some suicidal men decided they did n’t like And then we make babies Our arrogant bid for modem imperi But don’t worry, they won’t be left alism. behind And they grow up saying This is the land of the free. God Bless America! But they don’t know who Bush is You drive by a car who’s Because they never leamed the presi Bumper screams dents God Bless America!! And they will ride the ship Well you can scratch out the B and “Amistad” make it To our dreamland shores Godless Bearing the same shackles as us. Because God left this country a long time ago I’m here to say that The founding fathers made this Generation X nation Is pissed and we’re ripping down On a dream and now The American illusion of perfection Freedom of speech Lets Nazis bum crosses, but We are the future generation Calls police to Gay Pride Parades. I have my qualifications I know it looks like Angel Soft toilet We somehow paper Can afford war with Iraq But don’t worry But we can’t afford to pay the teach It’s a diploma. ers Do I look qualified? Who educate the young Who hold the guns You can take our toilet paper Against the “axis of evil” But you can’t take our revolution. Land of the Free... Advice from Sir Lancelot Our Waddling Little Friend As promised I have returned to answer your most pressing ques tions. Here is this month’s chosen submission; Q: Dear Sir Lancelot, I am having problems getting along with my roommate. We butt heads on almost every imaginable issue. For example, we have been unable to reach a compromise on a sleep ing schedule that suits both of us. She insists upon staying up until 3am each night and I must get up at seven each morning for my eight o’clock class. Also she is constant ly on the phone with her out of state boyfriend, which makes it impossible for me to receive calls from my friends and family in our room. It has become so extreme that I have been forced to ask them to call my friend across the hall in order to reach me. What makes this situation even worse, if that is really possible, is the fact that she is very moody so I am unsure of how to handle this situation, with out making it worse. Please help! A; My advice is to challenge your roommate to a jousting match like we used to in the good old days. There’s nothing like driving a spike through the heart of your enemy to settle a conflict. Trust me! Seriously, you really need to sit down with this roommate of yours no matter how volatile you fear she We have all seen him waddling around outside the cafeteria every day asking susceptible people for food, but we have all come to love him, except the cafeteria folk when he manages to wonder in. So we thought it best to interview this wondrous character and have him tell you his story... TL; First of all Mr. Chicken-Duck, I would like to thank you for taking the time to sit down with us today. I know you are a very busy mutant waterfowl and I would just like to express the schools appreciation. CD; Oh, well thank you Chuck. I do have quite a lot on my plate, but I always have time for fans. TL: Well we certainly are big fans of yours here at the paper, and we would all like to know more about you. First of all I would like to ask you about your name, Chicken- Duck is a name I can’t quite place, is it Dutch? CD; Well you know, I get asked that question a lot, and I would just like to put that particular issue to bed. See like most anthropomorphic ani mals, my last name is my species. Like Mickey Mouse happens to be a mouse, I Ignatius Philippe Chicken-Duck, happen to in fact be a chicken-duck. TL: Now that is another matter I was wondering about, I don’t believe I have ever heard of a chick- en-duck, would you mind telling us a little bit more about that. CD: Certainly Chuck, you see my father was a chicken ex-patriot from the Rhode Island region. After being exiled from his homeland my father traveled quite a bit and became a favorite of the beat gener ation, often being found in the com pany of the likes of Kerouac and Warhol. It was actually through Andy (Warhol) that he met my mother. She was a beautiful young duck with stars in her eyes, who had come to New York to find the fowl inside. She found the love of her life, my father, instead. They hit it off immediately, and well one thing led to another and here I am. TL: Here you are indeed, now I know many of our readers are curi ous to know how you came to be here at St. Andrews. CD: Well you know Chuck, of course you know because you have done your homework for this arti cle, that I am a St. Andrews alum. That’s right class of 83. I under stand that you mean how have I come to be at St. Andrews this time though so let me fill you in on that story. I had been down in the Keys, writing some music with the great Jimmy Buffett, when I receive a call from Stephen Hawkings. Ol’ Steve-0 was on his way to New York to give a lecture, and he want ed my help preparing for it. This kind of thing happens all the time. My sessions with Jimmy were wrapping up, so I decided to wing it on up to see Steve. Along the way I decided to stop on by the drew and catch up with some of my favorite professors. So I stopped by, you know, visited all the old boys, turned in a paper that I still owed Dr. A., you know that kind of thing. While I was here I thought I would slip into the cafeteria and see what the current class was like, when I got to the patio there was this young man sitting there and he started handing out these delicious little bite sized morsels, uh bread crumbs I believe he called them, and I sim ply couldn’t take another step. I was riveted by this delightful new snack. So I have just basically been hanging around ever since, chatting with all the new students, and enjoying this wonderful bread crumb phenomena. TL; I would just like to thank you one more time for coming to talk to us, and I want to throw in a quick word about your new book. You want to tell us a little about that? CD; Oh yeah of course, uh well it is just my memoirs, it finally got pub lished. It will be in the campus bookstore in spring, and they are actually talking about teaching a class based on it here next year. It is called I Am Not Spock and it is just such a great book and I am so very proud of it. TL: Alright, well thanks again Mr. Chicken-Duck, and we will see you around. is. You owe her this opportunity. She may not even be aware that her behavior is upsetting to you. Just make sure you approach this con versation in the most diplomatic marmer possible, while still ensur ing that you get your point across. If this initial meeting doesn’t change things between you two, you need to set up a meeting with your RA or RD so that they can mediate your discussion, thus allowing your conversation to be more productive this time around. During this meeting they may even request that you both fill out and sign a form detailing the compro mise you have come to, hoping that in the case of a future conflict you will be able to refer to this docu ment and resolve your differences. Hope this helps. Reminder; Please send your sub missions to sirlancelotsapc@yahoo.com no later than the 1st of each month to be included in the upcoming issue. Contact me today! I aim to please. See you next month. Sir Lancelot
St. Andrews University Student Newspaper
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Nov. 10, 2003, edition 1
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