Newspapers / St. Andrews University Student … / March 22, 2004, edition 1 / Page 12
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12 Week Of March 22, 2004 St. Andrews “Dormspeak’’ St. Andrews Administration Dismisses Machine Takeover Rumor “Captain Zippo” The Lance Nick Crow The Lance In George Orwell’s 1984 the limits of experi ence are defined by the limited vocabulary allowed by ANDREWS- In an attempt to the “big brother” style government. This limited Ian- quell mounting Student concerns over rumors guage was known as “Newspeak”. In our own reality we ^ takeover of the college by Killer Robots, have our own specific languages, though we have may Andrews Administration has spoken out not have names for them, or have their rules in writing. what it is calling: Vicious and Below is an introduction to one such language, this one Unfounded rumor mongering and A Prime used to define life in an all male dorm, such as Example of the Reactionary Behavior of the Concord or Winston-Salem. It is called “Dormspeak”. Human Race. Dormspeak guidelines “The Administration would just like to let everyone, faculty, staff, and student alike The four principles of Dormspeak are: First, know that there never has been, and never will words must fit into one of the 5 modes of conversation; ^e. any legitimate evidence to surest the pos- compulsory and expected interaction, complaining, s‘bility of the existence of these so-called ‘Killer social agreement/disagreement, exclamations, and coer- Robots, let alone a plot by them to take over cions. Second, the words used should be uttered in a the school through their superior strength and manner so as to move one’s face and mouth as little as number. Read a prepared statement from the possible. It is acceptable to abbreviate, distort, and leave Office of the President. We can assure you, out words to achieve this objective. Monosyllabic words individuals responsible for the spreading of are the most acceptable, and two word remarks are gen- these false statements have been apprehended erally sufficient to convey any message. Third, words dealt with summarily, not found in literature designated for the seven years and under age group (profanities excluded) are not to be used, as they are confusing and therefore angering. Fourth, words not created within the last ten years should be avoided whenever possible. If used, they should be used in their “understood” sense, and atten tion should not be placed on their actual meaning or appropriateness. Compulsory and expected interaction therefore students who have complained of the consists mosdy of meaningless interrogatives, such as Possible presence of Killer Robots on campus, “sup”. While this is meant to indicate that the asker Up until this most recent statement, diose m wishes to know the status of the asked (“what's up?”), it the upper^chelons of the school hierarchy is understood that he does not, and this is merely a have remained steadfastly silent on the issue, greeting. The appropriate response is either; “sup” in prompting unrest. return, or, for the stronger of lung and will; “chillin'’”. Though the issue has been debated off indicating that one has no particular action in mind for few years, it came to a head ear- any time in the foreseeable fijture. Another, more her this month when Sophomore Danny meaningfiil question might be “Beer?” The response to Shockley received a panicked phone message this and any other yes or no question would fall under froni his friend Trevor Brass, 19. the category of social agreement (see below). ^ tell you, these damn things are Complaining is the subject in which the most everywhere. Theyve made themselves up to complicated sentences are formed, usually by stating a hke us. Brass said in hurried voice, noun and a corresponding derogatory or profane Theyve already taken over security. Its only a descriptor. An example would be “Classes (my girl- matter of time before the no, NO! Get back friend, this show, midgets, etc.) suck (are: crap, whack, metal bas— The remainder of the mes- trippin”, etc.). This can easily lead to four word sen- garbled by what Shockley could only When asked for clarification as to what the letter meant by “dealt with,” a representa tive for the office, Carol-656, stared at the questioner for a long, unblinking second before firmly restating: “dealt with.” This latest action marks a turning point in the near month-long standoff between Administration and a growing number of fac- tences, among the longest found in conversations that are not purposely intellectual (pretentious). Social agreement is the appropriate response to either of the above. Typically, a sound indicating agree ment or disagreement is preferred to actual speaking. When actual words are called for, “nuh” and “yuh” replace the strenuous formations of the words no and yes. Coercion is a limited classification, used main ly in response to an undesirable agree/disagreement, and consisting almost entirely of the word “c’mon”. Exclamations may often fit under the heading of complaints, such as random outbursts of profanities, but are sometimes used when there is no apparent call for them. Used as releases of energy, an announcement that an individual is present, or an indication of any emotion, these outbursts tend to include few words. describe as “heavy machinery noises and stat ic. When an attempt was made to contact Brass to verify his statement, his roommate Gamma X-2L, a Junior, replied that Brass was “at the domicile of his female companion— that is to say: ‘at his chick’s dorm.’” Attempts made so far to contact Brass’ girlfriend, Cindy Hathcock, to confirm this have been unsuc cessful. When asked about his opinion of Brass’ claims concerning Campus Security, Chief Tom Williams-A2 had this to say; “Obviously this young man’s mental functions are impaired to a severe degree. It is important that all students know that they are more secure on this campus than they ever Generally limited to vidgarities and onomatopoeic jar- have been. We have guards stationed every- gon, the list of legitimate words would be quite limited, where to ensure that.” Added Williams-A2: but this is not unusual for any aspect of Dormspeak. Everywhere. Undeterred by the complaints, the Off the Wall is a place for some frivolity. Administration still says the planned overhaul Please enjoy it and don’t take it too seriously school curriculum and policy will contin ue as planned, with the Morgan-Jones Science Building being the first target, switching the building’s primary scholastic purpose from the scientific to the mechanical. “It was time for a change, I think that much is obvious.” Said Dr. John Moeller, for mer Chair of the Biology Department, whose title has since changed to Overseer of Factory Operations: “Others like me agree, and I am confident that those who do not will come around in time, come around in time, in time...” The stuttering Moeller was hit by his colleague. Dr. Brian Akers, who then wordless ly resumed his duties of single-handedly lifting and opening the several ton crates of machin ery in the former science lab. Certain other faculty do not share Moeller’s sentiments however. “I have no idea what they’re trying to accomplish with this new direction, but I’m not sure I like it.” Said Anthropology Professor Margaret Houston, who has been given “one standard week” to adjust her curriculum to fit a more mecha-centric philosophy. A task she says has been all the harder by the disappearance of her disabled work-study student, whom she has been assured “is merely going in for a minor refit.” “Just yesterday six security officers swept into my office when I was correcting papers and took all my books, replacing them with these new ones,” said Houston, holding up a new The Origin of Machines textbook, that she is expected to teach from now on. According to Houston, when she inquired as to the reason for the complete liq uidation of all Anthropological and Human Studies at St. Andrews, the only response was that: “such things will soon be irrelevant.” “I remember when they told us at the last faculty meeting that the Anthro and Psych departments were going to be eliminated due to ‘budgetary constraints,’ and [Professor of Psychology] A1 [Bardi] walked out in disgust.” Recalled Mathematics Professor Joe Harris, who has been assured his position is: “safe, for now.” Added Harris: “Coincidentally, has anyone seem him in the past few weeks? Last I did, he was being escorted to his car by securi ty after he walked out of the meeting.” Though they are aware of the possible rifts that may be created among faculty con cerning the new policies, Administration has said that it will not back down from the new direction and that: “protest is futile.” “It is time that everyone, faculty and student alike, realize that all things change, and such changes are often for the better.” Said newly-appointed Professor of Robotic History Edward D. Killbot, “We have big plans for this facility in the coming years.” When asked if the blueprints reading “DEEGAN-TRON 5000” on his desk were one such plan. Killbot quickly grabbed the plans, physically consumed them in a single bite, and ushered reporters out of his office saying that he: “had a class to teach in ten minutes.”
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