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THE DEBRIS
VOL. 1—NO. 1
Saturday April 1, 1967
Summer School Agenda
Discovered by Reporter
Student Group Plans Riot:
Lea der Reveals Plans
A variety of new courses
will be offered during the 1967
summer session, Dean Lone
some Jack NoMore failed to
announce to the college com
munity last week.
This reporter, by waiting in
the Dean’s outer office for
seventy - two hours, was fi
nally able to catch the Dean in
and awake, and the course
schedule for summer school
can now be revealed.
Heading the list of courses
will be Biology, which will be
open only to those students who
have failed the course at least
twice. Much to the dismay
of all prospective students in
this field. Dr. Smiley (Flunk
’em »^hile you can) Sharecrop
per will teach the course in
his inimitable style, which in
cludes the usual terrible jokes,
and tests which never cover
the material he urges students
to study.
Dr. Jack Lipton will continue
to amaze prospective freshman,
as well as English majors, with
his ability to speak a forty
word sentence, in which all the
words are outside the vocabu
lary of his students. He also
plans to laugh a great deaL
A two semester course in
French will be offered, with
Mr. Dyed and Dr. Tyger pre
siding. The course will be
taught in the new audio vis
ual technique, with students re
quired to watch Lon Chaney
in “The Hunchback of Notre
Dame” at least four times,
and write an essay in pre-
Cambrian French on Mr. Chan
ey’s makeup devices. The fi
nal exam will consist of trans
lating from French to English
the sentences “How are You?
I am fine.”
Bill Music and Bill Garlow
will give instruction in “How
to Fish at Night in Safety and
Comfort.” The insurance rate
for this course has not yet
been tabulated, but is expected
to exceed $489 per student.
A related course, “How to
Run Real Fast with a Bullet
in Your Back” will be offered
if enough Interest is indicated.
Illegal Parking 40 will be
offered by Tom Davis and Doug
Groseclose. Chubby Rotund,
campus parking ticket giver,
has donated his services free
of charge for this course.
Chapel Cutting 98 has been
scheduled, as well as Chapel
Sleeping 12. Dr. Thomas Al-
vis Edison Collards and Dr.
Haley Comet will provide the
monotones and cliches for the
lab session.
In lieu of baptismal serv
ices in the fountain this sum
mer, nightly steam baths will
be held in the parking lot sauna
behind the student union.
The power plant staff also
plans to provide an opportuni
ty for all students to have a
little recreation by pouring out
great masses of black ash and
soot. Students will be urged
to gambol near their cars and
try to catch the particles with
the cafeteria drinking glasses.
A fine will be charged for all
glasses not returned to their
proper place in the cafeteria
immediately after the recrea
tion periods.
Billy Grubar and Layfatte
Nullbrain will again be run
ning around taking names for
Mrs. Manhattan, so that she
may have a little fun. It is
anticipated that they will re
ceive a presidential citation
for their efforts. This game
may be expanded into a full
course if enoughfinks...ah, stu
dents, taken an interest.
Athletics during the summer
will be sponsored by the MSM,
who will stop all contests every
seven minutes for a word from
the Fellowshipof Christian Ath
letes explaining how head-on
tackling brought them closer
to God. The Monogram Club
will sell drinks for their usual
exhorbitant prices.
Evening entertainment will
consist of the usual terrible
movies, lectures, and oc
casional concerts by the Fac
ulty Marimba Band.
Plans are under way for a
student leader sponsored riot
to take place some time late
in the month of May on campus.
The riot, stemming from a
growing feeling of student un
rest, is to be centered on a
joint meeting of the faculty and
the Playboy advisory staff and
will be for the purpose of at
tempting to get school let out
two weeks early at the end of
the spring term.
Walter Leader, student co
ordinator and spokes man for the
powerful Student Protest of In-
definate Terms (SPIT) and in-
.stigator of the latest movement,
says that his group plans the
riot to let everyone know that
“we (the SPITS) do have a
voice in what goes on in our
community.”
“The length of the present
term is just too long to suit
our present needs and wants,”
he adds. “Many of our group
are violently upset by the fact
that we have to attend classes
Edgecombe Scene of Violence:
Two Criminals Held
“There has been trouble in
the men’s residence halls be
fore, but never anything as fla
grant as this,” Such were the
words of Dean SUmo Wildeman
referring to the desecration of
the artificial flower arrange
ment on first floor Edgecombe
HalL
“We feel sure that no fresh
men would even consider doing
such a terrible thing to any of
Mother Manhattan’s property,”
the Dean said. “We also do
not feel that the upperclass
men imprisoned in Edgecombe
would take such a risk.”
“It is therefore apparent that
the only possible culprits came
from South Hall, and we strong
ly suspect that Hercules and
Hippo, because of their past
records, are the guilty
parties.”
Taking this stand after ob
jectively examining the perti-
nant data, and refusing to lis
ten to any protestations of in
nocence, the Dean has removed
the two criminals fromthe res
idence Hall and chained themin
the attic of the administration
building.
“We feel that it is in the
best interests of the little peo-
p le on campus who rarely ven
ture out into the sunlight to
lock these beasts up,” Dean
Wildeman stated. He believes
that little damage can be done
by the two in their present
abode.
“Slippery Feldman will send
a squad- of armed men to the
attic once a week to give these
creatures their salt pork and
hardtack. In addition, two pints
of boiled water will be given
them a day, supplied by the
chemistry lab. We regret that
Hercules nearly died from the
glass in the water two days
ago, but one must understand
that some of the chemistry stu-
Again
North Carolina Wesleyan
College has been recognized
by a national organization for
the fifth time this year.
The latest in the series of
plaudits for the young Metho
dist College came at a meeting
of the All World Council meet
ing of the organization of People
Who Are Going To Heaven, when
NCW student Albert Agnosticer
was recognized in the audience
and thrown out on his ear.
In addition, the college was
recognized as a perfect example
of shoddy architecture by
famous draftsman Frank Lloyd
Blight on a recent tour through
this state, but President Thom
as Alvis Edison Collapse feels
that such recognition “might
not be of any real value to
our young and growing Meth
odist institution in Rocky Mount,
North Carolina, which is sit
uated on 200 lovely wooded
acres given us by the king of
the swamp rats.”
more days in the year than we
have free.”
Leader cites a number of
reasons behind the proposed
riot, among them: lissie Crane
wants to be home no later than
the 15th of May because she
has to enter the hospital the
next week to have a baby and
wants to spend some time with
tier parents; Efram Wilhelm,
III, wants to have a couple of
weeks off before he and Lissie
get married; Lester Guzzler
wants to attend the grand open
ing of a new Schlitz Brewery
in Sheboigan; and Pete Sands
feels that the weather will be
suitable for the beaches to get
in swing no later than the mid
dle of May.
Present plans call for the
riot to begin at St. Gruba’s
Cathedral shortly after mid
morning mass. The riot will
proceed in an orderly fashion
through the mammoth parking
enclosure, past the 180 story
Edgehades residence hall and
will conclude somewhere in the
vicinity of the faculty caucus
room.
Leader insists that students
should not be concerned for the
safety of their cars, scooters
and bikes left in the parking
lot as the rioters have been
instructed to keep destruction
at a minimal.
Leader urges all students to
make plans to join the riot
and participate in THEIR
school’s activities. Tickets
will be on sale from all mem
bers of SPIT for $3 and $5
(front line and tail-ender
prices) with a special now being
offered on clubs for smashing
automobiles and little people
now sellinf for $18 each.
In addition, the Monogram
Club will set up refreshment
stands at convenient sites along
the riot route and will be sell
ing their usual commodities.
MORALLY
dents are a little clumsy. Be
sides, I’m sure it was good for
his constitution.”
The Dean stated that nay
further incidences of violence
in the dorms will not be dealt
with so lightly. "We have
purchased a device described
in Poe’s “The Pit and the
Pendulum” which we expect will
be of great detterent effect
in the future,” he closed.
College
Receives
Recognition-
Professor Receives Outstanding
Award For Latest Book
Peter O. Garbage mouth, pop
ular and outspoken head of the
college’s department of Strange
Arts and Drafts, has won the
1967 Filth of the Year Award
for his controversial book,
“The 1087 Beds of Minnie Peo
ples.”
The book, which deals with
the many perplexities of life
for a normal housewife in Pe
oria, has won acclaim as being
“one of the best literary ex
pressions of our time.” Its
central character, Minnie Peo
ples, the illegitimate daughter
of a Minneapolis pipe-fitter and
a Chicago Bunnie, becomes in
volved in one of the most livid
bed-tlme stories of all times.
Her many adventures lead her
through the garbage cans of
Skid Row to the dark cellar
of a college professor’s lab
oratory and finally to a swank
penthouse apartment belonging
to the Baltimore Colts Inc,
What happens to this innocent
victim of a destitute society
makes for what Boob maga
zine calls “a masterpiece
spokesman of the new moral
ity.”
Garbage mouth, long known
and respected around campus
for his potent lectures on human
anatomy and his popular class.
Seduction 71, says the work
is no more than the ultimate
expression of “ my true feelings
based on years of research.”
He says the Idea for the
2 7,000 page novel first came
to him while he was In at-
tendence at a tea-party spon
sored by the president’s wife
and “things sort of took care
of themselves from there,”
The Filth of the Year Award
carries with it. In addition to
the prestige In boudoir circles,
a $1,000 prize, a 2-year sup
ply of the pill, and life mem
bership in Dr. Swartz Pooped’s
“Restore your energy Without
Breaking Your Normal Rou
tine” Health Club.
Garbage mouth, who will be
leaving next week for an around
the world cruise with Looty
Bird Sexton, author of “Sex
and the Monogamist”, says he
owes much of the success of
the book to the efforts of his
wife. Petty, and adds that with
out her inspiration and guid
ance It would never have been
possible.