PAGE 2 — THE DECREE — DECEMBER 7,1990
More stories
we*d really
like to see
ROBERT TREAD AWAY, JIM SLAKIE, AND TOMMY SHAW HARD AT WORK
*Food for Trash * presented
JL j
By MARK BRETT
The real world has become too
harrowing — axx)ps in L*ie Middle
East for no apparent rca-on, an
economy about to collapse under
its own weight; the viability of
the Earth as a biosphere on the
edge of destruction for the sake
of convenience and appetites or a
bunch of hairless apes.
Let’s face it, things are going
in the crapper. To get our minds
off these troubles for a few min
utes, the Decree once again pre
sents stories we’d like to see:
The Wall Lives! The wall
surrounding North Carolina
Wesleyan College was recently
revealed to be in actuality the
largest living snake in captivity.
Noted Norwegian snake biologist.
Dr. Bjom Sviadingheimer, said:
“Yep. That’s a really big snake.”
Placed under hypnosis, the
snake, a specimen of the rare
“Brick Snake” species, found it
self mistaken for a wall, and soon
it surrounded a small Methodist
college!
Eivis Kills Again! Yes, the
King of Rock and Roll has once
agam visited our humble campus.
This time, the King wandered into
the newly remodeled Doc’s, ap
parently in search of a “big ole’
fluffy biscuit.” Immediately upon
entering, Elvis began to stammer.
He grabbed one of the restaurant’s
umbrellas and proceeded to beat
mercilessly a lyone within range.
The King was iieard to scream,
“Blue! Everything’s so blue! And
why do you have umbrellas?
You’re indoors! This place is too
damned cheery! Where’s the
Hardee’s furniture? I just can’t
take it any more!” At press time,
Presley was still at large.
Bellemonte Haunted! The
Bellemonte House, Wesleyan’s
equivalent of a lawn jockey, has
turned out to be haunte(i Noted
Swedish pcitergeist expert, Pro
fessor Sven Erickson, :n^'esti-
galcd. “Apparently,” Professci
Erickson said, “the spirit of an
illiterate Satan worshipper in
habits the Bellemonte. He walks
the halls at night, scrawling ‘Sa
tan lives’ on stairs and humming
Debbie Boone songs.” This, of
course, explains why the
Bellemonte is still uninhabited
after so long.
“I Was a Teenage Love
Slave!” And you thought those
famous Wesleyan “guided tours”
for prospective students were
simply a gimmick to increase en
rollment!
Student Activities Center
Explodes! Well, not really. But
even if it were true, would any
one have actually noticed?
College Is Ant Farm Run By
Space Aliens! That’s right. Ex
perts at the Greenland Institute
for Extraterrestrial Studies have
determined that this college is
actually a large and bizarre ant
farm, built for the enjoyment and
education from afar of space alien
youngsters. So remember, next
time you go to the bathroom, take
a shower, prepare to have sex with
someone, or do just about any
thing potentially embarrassing,
there’s a small alien child watch
ing.
The chances of these stories
being true, since we made them
all up, are unfortunately quit;
slim. As interesting as all our real
problems are, these are infinitely
more so. But if I had to choose
between being observed by space
aliens or living with the constant
threat of annihilation (be it eco
nomic, ecological, or nuclear), the
aliens would win out every time.
By HEIDI WALTERS
North Carolina Wesleyan
College, in association with the
Performing and Visual Arts De
partment, recently presented
“Food From Trash” by Gary Leon
Hill.
Corruption and the deteriora
tion of the environment were the
theme from “Food From Trash.”
It centered around a wealthy
landfill owner and a family
struggling to survive. The landfill
owner covertly dumped toxic
waste in his landfill in order to
turn an enormous profit, while the
workers suffered with mysterious
ilhiesses. A worker under Phil
Cobb, landfill owner, discovered
through a series of events that
illegal dumping was occurring.
There were also subplots
showing the deterioration of so
ciety. Sex, racism, and off-color
language played an important part
in showing the deterioration of
society and the corruption in
volved with each.
“This must be NCWC’s bold
est play,” said sophomore Tom
Livers.
“Food From Trash” was per
formed six nights, and one of
those performances was sold out.
KATIE WRIGHT AND STEWART CRUNK SHARE ARRESTING MOMENT IN SPOTLIGHT
Global Change Fellowships available
Graduate fellowships sponsored by the U.S. Dept, of
Energy are available for entering and first year graduate
students majoring in science disciplines and interested in
pursuing research careers pertaining to global change.
Application deadline is March 1. For more information,
contact Billie Stooksbury, Graduate Fellowships for Global
Change Program, Oak Ridge Associated Universities, Sci
ence/Engineering Education Division, P.O. Box 117, Oak
Ridge, IN 37831, or call (615) 576-0037.