DECEMBER 14,1992 — THE DECREE — PAGE 3
Going home for holidays not always joyful
By JOHN WILLIAMS
(CPS ) — In terms of holiday
expectations, families can go from
“Joy to the World” to “Grandma
Got Run Over By a Reindeer”
quickly as tensions new and old
surface during a time of theoreti
cal hi^piness and practical real
ity.
The holiday period from
Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day
is fraught with unrealistic expec
tations to which college students
are especially prone as they cope
with finals, term papers, and re
turning home as an independent
being, yet still dependent on fam
ily and friends, counselors say.
“We all get down when we set
expectations that this is the per
fect Christmas,” said Linda
Welsh, a psychologist and direc
tor of the Agoraphobia and Anxi
ety Treatment Center in Bala
Cynwyd, Pa., near Philadelphia.
While many college students
face tensions real and imagined
when returning home for the holi
days, freshmen can bear the brunt
of going to home sweet home and
finding not only have they
changed, but so has Mom, Dad,
and friends.
“Communication has been
limited. But the same issues are
still there, and they can forget
that,” Welsh said. “Things (at
home) always seem like they’re
better than they are, and they tend
to be idealized at school.”
Tom Helma, who is coordina
tor of Michigan State Universify’s'
employee assistance program and
is also a counselor, said-both par
ents and children have gone
through profound changes since
the students left home.
“The major thing for students
is that they have changed. The
change in one’s life is never
greater than from September to
January,” he said. “You leave a
child and come back an alien in
the world. It can be a painful time.
The child wants to be free and
the parent doesn’t want to let go.
You come back in four months
and look at your room and realize
you’re not the same person.”
Holidays can be sfressful
times. The image of the fireplace,
good food, family, and friends can
be just that: image. Counselors
stress that just because it is a holi
day season doesn’t mean that
problems that exist for 11 months
out of the year are going to dis^-
pear for one month. They also
say that family members can be
more on edge as they try to put
on a mask to hide whatever is
really going on in the family. The
same can be applied for friends.
“If there is any kind of dys
function in the family at all, it
comes up because they are all to
gether,” said Teresa George, a
therapist at the University of
Dayton’s student counseling cen
ter in Dayton, Ohio. “All of a
sudden they have to be cheerful
when they may not feel that way.
Maybe they have to work on strat
egies to work on their feelings.”
When a student has been away
from these tensions and re-enters
the atmosphere, it can add fuel to
the fire.
“Families try to do a great deal
to make the holidays perfect or
spectacular,” Hebna said. “Many
times the holiday has us dealing
with issues of losses and disap
pointments and conflicted and
empty relationships. It is a time
which evokes within us recollec
tions of our childhood for better
or worse.”
College students have their
would be appreciated. You may
also set aside time to take grand
parents or other relatives out for
an afternoon.
• Plan first how much you want
to spend, and for whom. Decide
how much you will spend on each
person, and what you want to buy.
• Don’t be an impulse buyer.
Have alternative presents already
figured out if the present of your
choice isn’t available. This will
avoid impulse buying.
• Give inexpensive gifts that
you’ve made yourself: specially
flavored oils and vinegars in fancy
bottles, dried herbs, polished
shells or stone jewelry, needle
work, wood or leather products,
a p^n^ng,, sculpture, pottery, a
song, or apoem." ”,
own set of tensions and priorities
that must be dealt with, counse
lors said. Aside for unrealistic
expectations, they may not have
much money to buy presents and
could have finals to study for and
papers to write that are due after
the holidays.
If students have school work
that they brought home, they must
be realistic enough to ask for time
to do the work, and then do it.
“Students can feel anxious
about exams, and resentful they
can’t spend time with family and
friends,” said George. “They want
to do these things, and if they do,
can feel guilty.”
Welsh said expectations of
what the holidays are supposed
to be, versus the reality of what
they are, are generated partly by
the media and businesses that sell
the idea of a perfect experience.
“Everything is softened:
candlelight, beauty, and joy in the
richness of clothing and food.
Nothing is sharp and painful. It’s
all colorful,” she said. “But ten
sions can be enhanced by a stu
dent coming home. We’re sold
on that picture and people get into
it. It’s not realistic. It doesn’t hap
pen automatically.”
Counselors gave the follow
ing tips to make the holiday sea
son more palatable:
• Stress communications be
fore you go home. Since there is
only a limited time at home, tell
your family about your plans, in
cluding your family visits, going
out with friends, and other activi
ties.
“Repressed anger and disap
pointments can build up. So com
municate,” Welsh said. “It’s the
most important thing you can do.
Even when there’s a disagree
ment, at least it’s out in the open.”
• If your parents are divorced,
try to divide time between them.
• Set aside time to study if you
have assignments or exams after
the holidays. Again, you must tell
family and friends that it has to
be done.
• Try to set aside some time
just for yourself.
“People need to step back and
define what they’re going to do
for themselves,” Helma said.
“Make it an intentional holiday.
Do things that are self-caring
types of tilings. Make time to take
a walk, get a massage, buy a gift
for yourself. Get enough sleep.
Anything that involves taking
time for one’s self is self-care.”
• And, finally, the best realis
tic expectation is to have no ex
pectations. “You may have to
work out how things are going to
go,” Welsh said. ‘Talk about what
went well and what didn’t go well.
Everybody grows differently at
different rates.”
George, at the University of
Dayton, said college students still
have their feet in two worlds:
They have the independence that
college life offers, but they are
still children who need emotional
and financial backup. And the
holidays can bring all this uncer
tainty together.
“Students are separated from
the family but stiU a part of it,”
she said. “It can be difficult. Par
ents won’t see them as different,
as being more independent and
making their own decisions.
There may be conflict with that.
Be open and talk to them before
you go home. If you don’t, you
could feel resentment, anger, and
a distance away from the family
system.”
How to give guilt-free gifts
(CPS) — The holidays are
need, you’ve got fin^, a ticket -
home, and $50 left in your check
ing account. Presents for friends?
Gifts for family members? Okay,
okay, you can stop laughing now.
Most famihes don’t expect col
lege students to spend lavishly
on presents because of the fact
they are in school, so don’t, sug
gests William Sauer, director of
Susquehanna University’s Fam
ily Business Center in
Selinsgrove, Pa.
Many students are receiving
financial aid or have loans, and
may work to support their school
ing, so buying expensive presents
is not realistic, he said.
“College students have expec
tations for the quality of the gift
they buy or thb amount* they
spend. Many may feel they have
^ butpeople
do not expect it from them,” he
said. “Its a highly emotional time
of the year, and it is easy to get
caught up in the commercializa
tion.”
Sauer cautions students against
using easy-to-get credit cards to
charge Christmas presents. Wlule
student cards may have a credit
limit of $300 to $500, paying the
balance can be costly, depending
on the interest rate the card car
ries.
Here are some tips on how to
control spending:
• Instead of buying presents,
volunteer time for baby-sitting or
volunteer work at homeless shel
ter?, nursing homes, and otiief
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