Just How Crazy
Can
Human Beinss Get?
MORONS AND GHOULS
Ouly April Fools
Can
Get This Craiy!
OLUME 31
F.LON COTXEGE, N. C„
WEDNESDAY. APRIL 2, 1952
NUMUICH 12
Graft In Student Government Shocks Campus
Houpy Seizes Dictatorial
Powers By Coup D’Etat
Harry Teddy Hoppy born as Henry Theodore Jr.) leaped into
the aperture of the historic “Irish” O’Kelly Monument on Elon’s
south campus and ciimaxod a aeries of St. Patricia's Day riots by
proclaiming himself proxy of all the Etonians.
Declaring that he was rooked out of his due and just honors
in last year's graft-ridden balloting, Hoppy insisted that by right
of name and heritage t!io dictatoiship of the Elon campus should
and will be his.
I was the lawful vice-president of the student government last
year,” Hoppy declared, “And 1 can prove by the two names that
ancestors bestowed upon me that I should have been prexy
fiiis year."
"I ask that you repeat those two fine names of mine .. . .
Harry' Teddy! Think of those two GREAT presidents of
who have
‘these United States
glorified those names! .... And
I (ask you if each of those GREAT
inen did not rise directly to the
presidency from tiie v'ice-presi-
dential chair. If those two men
entered the White House from
the vice-president's post, tlien I
declare unto you that I, who bear
both names, should have likewise
been elevated.”
(Hoppy, working in collaboration
with unnamed members of the stu
dent Senate and House, took ad-
vjintage of the graft and scandal
^.)t rocked the campus and forced
o\her student officials into places
of hiding and refuge, assumed the
powers of a dictator at once, and
he began issuing proclamations in
regard to conduct of student af
fairs and campus customs.
jrirst act of the nev/ dictator
was to order three-weeks vacation
from classes in order that all stu
dents might enjoy the same privi
leges which he had long enjoyed,
at the same time appointing a spe-
5ul student commission to negoti
ate with the college administra
tion on the question whether there
^ould ever be any more classes.
Classes interfere terribly with
one's college education," Koppy
(Continued on Page Four)
NEW DICTATOR
CAN YOU BELIE VE IT?
4
t:
^ '
W Cuba and Georgia have nothing
Elon, when it comes to hav-
two presidents or governors,
lor Harry Teddy Hoppy II (shown
‘ i-i proclamatory pose) has
??-'• U\en advantage of current
'.eav.ils to declare himself
*JPrexy of all the Elonians'’ by
of name and heritage.
Lon fr Speech
Ends After
Three Weeks
Senator E. Filibuster Cashion
XV, gasping for breath, collapsed
on the stage of Whitley Auditor
ium this afternoon, ending the
longest recorded filibuster in the
history of the Elon College Stu
dent Legislature.
The balding senator had retain
ed the floor of the assembly for
twenty-one days, gallantly protest
ing the Black Bill while an over
packed gallery of his constituents
cheered and applauded his every
move.
Classes have been suspended on
the campus throughout the three
week period in order that stu
dents and professors could take
advantage of the opportunity of
hearing the gems of wisdom that
fell from the frothing lips of the
Senator from Sanford.
The Senate began its session in
its accustomed quarters in Society
Hall on the third floor of the Ala
mance Building, but news of Sen
ator Cashion's lengthy filibuster
soon brought the spectators in
throngs, and the group decided to
move its session to Whitley Audi
torium in order that the crowds
might be accommodated.
The filibuster began when a
special session of the Student
Legislature was called three weeks
ago in order that the Legislators
might clear up disputed points in
vhe “Brain Child” of Senator
Black of Burlington. Senator
Cashion, whose sobriety has never
been questioned, was apparently
aroused by the infringements
wrought by the Black Bill upon
liis personal liberties and appe
tites. The distinguished Legisla
tor leaped from his position at
the clerk's desk, brandishing the
Speaker's gavel, and assumed the
floor calling for a division.
All the facts behind Senator
Cashion’s sudden outburst have
not thus far been ascertained, fo"
the gesturing :ljlon indignantly
refused to > ield the floor for ques
tioning throughout his 304 liour
oration. Reporters are now await
ing the senator's recovery th;;’
they might obtain all the facts.
Senator Cashion was rushed to Al
amance General Hospital, suffer
ing from fatigue and laryngitis,
and has been confined to bed for
four days, breathing with the aid
of an oxygen tent.
Women swooned and droppeti
out like flies as Cashion v/as borne
on a stretcher from the scene ol
his oratorical triumph. Someone
remarked, “That doesn t look like
Cashion,” as the stretcher was
thrust into a waiting ambulance.
U was then that the Sanford solon
raised up and stared his accuser
in the face and gasped, "Oh,
wretched state of morals.”
Ip
WINTER WALCHEI.L, ACE NEWS ANALYST of the Und ‘rground Press, who exposed tiie
student government scandals this week, is shown above with unidentified lady helper, v»ho aldeJ
V/alchell in planting a secret dictaphone in the apartment of Senator “Rip" Euliss, alleged “boss" of
the ring. Walchell was caught by the MORON AND GHOULS pl.otographer as he typed madly and
doggedly his story of the graft and corruption which has upset the student government and left it a
shambles of wreckag3. As Walchell types his laJy helper plays the dictaphone recording; of the
evidence in the case. Maiv student leaders are in hiJing, and of.iers have sought prolecL;i)n from
the mobs that roam O'Keily Street.
Alamance Avenue in the president s car. C
his statement failed to appease Uie w»aLh of
seemed inclined to weep.
*
Ace News Man Exposes
Details Of Huge Scandal
That foul odor which has pervaded the entire area these past
few days was not poi.son gas. Instead it was the stench of the vilest
political scandal since Warren G.Harding roosted in the White
House, a political scandal right here on Eton's own campus, which
has set the student government in turmoil and threatened the very
foundations of the college itself.
The student government scandal was brought to light yesterday
in a three-hour “Flash ’ broadcast by Winter Walchell, .star reporter
and news analyst for the Underground Press. His unexpected
revelations attracted world-wide interest to this peaceful campus,
which has sent forth so many seU-made millionaires through the
ivy-covered colonnades that have long distinguished Eton's grounds.
Political graft lias apparently ruled the present student govern
ment administration for the past eleven months, according to the
'JP dispatches.
Charge Fraud
In ^DihydroX'
Wealth Plan
m
“VEEP” CURRIN, STUDENT VICE-PRESIDENT, was one of those who haJ lo .s.■: ciii,-
from the mobs, and he rushed right to the office of the college i resident to beg Dr. L. tt. :>miin tn
grant him refuge. Currin has not even bcon seen ouUide e.xC-p., under the protection of Dr. SmUh.
The MORON AND GHOULS photographer cought Currin i;i the above picture as he rode dov./n
;;iin did issua a statement from this point of refuge, but
his p;n;,uei:>. OLs^rv. s C'.., . .ad t!u.t the “Veep"
IT’S A WRECK, AND THAT'S 'O FOOLING! Sucli wa.s the 5cene that greeted passer-by after
Senator “Rip" Euliss struck three telephone poles at once to halt his mad flight along the Greens
boro Highway. Uninformed sight-seers thought that Euliss may have been blinded by the bright
lights of Brightwood when he wrecked, but the sober truth is that "Deadshot Dave" Crowle, campus
traffic cop and faithful agent of .the Elon Bureau of Inve.stigation, simply shot the daylights out of
the left rear tire of Euliss’ car as the political boss fled to avoid a Senate Inve.stigation.
The wails of Elon shook with
excitement yesterday wlien State
Bureau of Investigation officials
arrested Dr. Ned Brannock and
Dr. Paul Cheek, eminent Elon
scientists, in connection with a
fraud scheme that has all the ear
marks of the greatest “get-rich-
quick" scheme since Hadacol.
Both men have been highly re
spected chemistry professors at
Elon, and their arresti came as a
stunning surprise to both school
officials and students.
The fantastijc scheme out of
which the arrests stemmed started
several months ago wiien the two
men reported the development o£
an amazing new chemical solveiu
and cleaner. "The new discovery
was sold under the trade name
of “DihydroX" and attracted much
attention in cleaning circles.
Soon after the announcement
of their discovery, Brannock and
Cheek applied for and were re
fused United States patent lights
for their new compound, patent
authorities denying a patent on
the grounds that neither Brannock
nor Cheek would divulge the
chemical formula for "DihydroX."
The two men were handicapped
temporarily by lack of funds for
producing and marketing their
new discovery, but DihydroX" hit
the market with a big splasii after
Brannock and Cheek had obtained
an undisclosed amount of money
from an undisclosed source for an
undisclosed length of time at an
undisclosed rate of interest.
If one could believe all the re
ports put forth under the greatest
advertising campaign in American
business annals, then “DihydroX'
is tlie greatest discovery in the
history of man. Tl.e new i.
is non-inflammable and is cap
able of dissolving every substance
known to man, although sucii sub
stances as glass and heavy metals
only dissolve to a slight extent.
It has also been proven that
“DihydroX" is harmless to the
human skin. Dr. Br.iinock dem
onstrated this fact in front of the
Elon Post Office last week when
he divested himself and sv«am for
an hour in a huge glass tank
filled with “DihydroX." Follu.v-
ing this demonstration, many per
sons tried the solution in their
baths and found it very refresh
ing. Some of the braver students
even tried brushing their teeth
with “DihydroX,” and thus far
no untoward effects have been
observed.
A local drug addict was also
induced to use “DihydroX” to dis
solve one of his usual doses of co
caine, after which he injected the
solution in the usual mannei, Thel
• '
interpretation of his reactions are
rather confused, for he dropped
dead. Brannock and Cheek, a>i-
(Continued On Page Four)
Investigation has
shown that every department,
without exception, has evolved
into a gangsters' paradise of graft
and greed, with numerous get-
-ich-quick schemes, including the
-ale of such student rights as traf-
-ie parking tickets, dining haU
line preference, church slips, late
campus permissions for girls,
chapel cards and numerous other
personal privileges that might
.iring a substantial price or bribe
through the black market.
STUDENT LEADERS HIDE
Reporters have been unable to
reach student body President
Soger Gibbs for comment, since
the incumbent student body head
las been busy feuding with a for
mer vice-president, Harry Teddy
Hoppy II. who has tajcen advant-
ige of the confusion to proclaim
.“;;n;:.if rightful pre.^-idcnt by
name and heritage. Hoppy,
working with collaborators in the
Student Legislature, lias branded
Gibbs as “a prexy b.v Proxy only.”
The “Veep," Vice-President
Matt Currin himself, has been
almost as hard to find as Gibbs,
for w’lien the scandal broke Cur-
.■in sought the protection of the
president of the college, and he
has not since ventured forth ex-
cpt to ride about the campus
with President Smith.
Currin, speaking from his re
fuge in the back seat of Dr. Smith’s
(Continued on Page Four)
KNIFE-WIELDER
Dr. Ned E':’nnock wa.> caught
i‘;:vo just at the moment wiien he
rai.'-.od a huge knife, which he
lhra:;lor.od to wield in efforts to
resist arrest on charges growing
■out of the great “DiliydroX”
fraud.