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Peniiulum
Volume VI Number 24
The PRiirliiliim
fi
I
I
We hate
school
the Chain Gang
Tuesday, April 1, 1980
Pvl. Donald Campion, Walter Shaw and CpI. Angus McPherson n to r) on duty at the
door of the office of Student Affair. They are members of the 84th Regiment of Foot, a well
Icnown group hired for a security test. Photo by Whitmore.
Carter^ Kennedy to speak here
President Jimmy Carter
and Senator Edward Kennedy
accepted an invitation to
speak at commencement. The
announcement was made
shortly before the primary
polls opened in New York
and Connecticut. Both agreed
to speak on non-controversial
political issues.
President Carter’s topic,
“The Future of the Peanut in
the Political Arena,” was met
with a rebuttal from Senator
Kennedy. “I don’t see how
Charlie Brown, Lucy, Snoo-
py, or the rest of the gang
have any future in politics,”
said Kennedy.
Kennedy’s topic, “The Fu
ture of the Automobile in the
Political Arena,” will include
incidents such as the “Tidal
cont. on p. 3
Greek week
New security guards
out of law’s reach
by Fol de Rol
In light of the recent wave of vandalism, pillaging, and
looting that has disrupted Elon’s campus, Dean William G.
Long has hired new security forces. “These new people should
put an end to the break-ins and vandalism, at least in this
building,” he says. They are stationed in Alamance Building
for a trial basis, and have already proven their effectiveness.
“The new men are trained to kill without hesitation anyone
who tries to break into the building or into any office. They are
also guaranteed protectipn from criminal charges resulting
from any action they take,” says Long.
Other security systems have been tried in the past, he says,
and have not shown much success. The Rest Home Regiment
has been taken from active service, to be replaced by these
grenadiers of the Royal Highland Emigrants. “You have no
idea how much trouble we went to finding these people. We
even had to pay a bounty to their commanding officer to release
them for duty here,” commented Long.
According to Angus McPherson, corporal, “We are here to
kill anyone and everyone who tries breaking into this bundin’.
At least we’ll have fun on this duty, even though it is mostly
night work.”
Sources inside the office of Student Affairs say that several
other groups were under consideration, such as Hell’s Angels,
an SS armored division, the KKK, a group known as the British
Legion, and others of equal repute. The 84th was chosen
because it was relatively cheap, plus the fact that it never was
known for mercy to an opponent.
First Lieutenant John Truelove of Gordon commented that
he was very pleased with Elon’s choice. “I think they made the
right decision. Most of the other groups have a tendency to run
amok at the slightest incident. My men simply kill everyone
involved and then wait for further orders. Soon we hope to
move the whole grenadier company down there to garrison the
rest of the campus. Then we can kill ’em all, in the finest
tradition of the British Army.”
Company billets are still being arranged, and anyone with
room to spare is asked to contact Dean Long’s office for
information and rules.
Ed. Note: See demonstrative picture on page 3.
Pendulum entry wins big
The U.S.S. Railhacker, U.S.S. Oktoberfest, and U.S.S.
Monstrosity, fl to r] begin the battleship races during Greek
Weekend. Photo by Whitmore
by O. Whatta Goosesiame
During last week’s Greek
celebration, a new event,
battleship racing, was insti
tuted. An unusual feature of
this event was that non-
Greeks were invited. Only
one outside organization, the
Pendulum, entered. The
event was well attended in
spite of the difficultures in
finding enough rowboats for
the spectators. Some swam to
the site, 100 miles off Cape
Foolishness, Kansas.
Some organizations could
not afford battleships and
were forced to use heavy
cruisers instead. This necessi
tated a restriction on speed, a
problem which was solved by
adding weights to the cruisers
to reduce their speed. Further
rules were:
No ramming or shoving of
opponents’ ships. Broadsides
were permitted. Air attacks
on opponents were allowed.
Sabotage was not per
mitted. It was thought that
each team would make a bad
enough mess op its own.
Torpedoes were optional,
as were mines. Running
aground would put that entry
out of the race.
The Pendulum’s entry,
U.S.S. Monstrosity, was able
to win by causing the other
ships to fire on each other.
This was done by firing a
low-trajectory shell over Kap
pa Psi Nu’s Oktoberfest into
TKE’s Railhacker, causing
them to shoot each other out
of the water. Sigma Pi’s
Bigmouth and Pi Kappa Phi’s
Phantom got the same treat
ment.
Phyliss Hargis, dictator of
student affairs, said that fuel
costs may cancel the race next
yeju, in spite of its popu
larity, unless alternative
means of propulsion can be
found.
-News briefs-
Last week’s ‘Riviera’ article contained the erroneous figure
of $2,344. It should read $1,344.
The staff of the Pendulum requests that everyone who reads
this issue bear in mind today’s date.
The Gang