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Volume XXIV, Number 22
Quality Bathroom Reading Since 1974
April Fool’s Day
INSIDE
Opinions
Jordan Center secedes from
the Elon College community
page 3
Pendulum exclusive: An
interview with the famous
Easter Bunny
page 9
Focus
Tulane U, students troubled
' by inflatable doll fiasco
pages 10-11
ME
Eve 6 to perform with local
bands Twisted Kites and 21
Stew as a favor
page 12
Sports
Club Professional Wrestling
struggles for recognition
page 19
Golf: The ultimate in humilty
page 20
Boeing to buy new element found in veggie burger
Alan Medeiros
Rocket Scientist
Elon College dining services
have finally made a universal im
pact.
During a recent press confer
ence, NASA spokesperson Julia
Koch announced that the space
shuttle “Millennium” will be using
a new material for its outer hull.
The new element, known to
the scientific community as
“Aramarkium” was discovered in a
veggie burger at the Harden Dining
Hall.
The new material will replace
the current outer hull on the shuttle.
It will allow for protection from
temperatures two times those found
at the center of the sun, as well as
being able to sustain any nuclear
attack that man has now or can
devise in the future.
“This material is, quite possi-
bly, the leading discovery of the
decade. We are searching other
area cafeterias, starting with High
Point and Wake Forest, and work
ing our way back to UNC” said
Koch.
Elon freshman Becky
Zimmer discovered this material
while biting into her veggie burger,
subsequently breaking her jaw.
“I’ve always loved those
veggie burgers, but this is getting to
be a little much” wrote Zimmer
while her jaw was wired shut during
her recovery.
Elon College Dining Services
has graciously offered to pay for the
reconstruction of Zimmer’s jaw, and
to provide a free meal plan for the
rest of l»r time at Elon.
After being rescued from the
offices at LabCorp, the burger was
sent to laboratory after laboratory
before finally ending up at the Los
Alamos National Laboratory.
see ELEMENT, page 4
College instates new
minimalist dress code
Chuck Buckley
Proud Supporter
Chuck Buckley/7%e Pendulum
Courageous students model the new^ school
uniforms for the 1999-2000 school year.
On March 23, a select committee set up by the Board of Trustees,
voted to re-instate the student uniform clause into the constitution. The
original by-law was abolished in 1955 under student protest.
The Board took a random sampling of opinions from students to
decide the design and style of the uniforms.
However all students unanimously stated that they did not want
school uniforms, so the uniforms will be nothing at all.
Starting August 27, all Elon College students must be completely
naked whenever they are on campus. Loincloths and fig leafs are accept
able attire on weekends.
The new uniform policy has caused a great deal of controversy on
campus.
One student who wishes to remain anonymous said, “I’m so happy!
Now I finally get to see Ray Johnson in the buff.”
This student was under the false impression that faculty also had to
be nude. In the fact all Elon College staff are supposed to wear erotic
negligees or something else that is suitably suggestive.
Theatre professor Bill Webb, sporting a stain nightie and matching
pumps from Fredrick’s of Holly wood, said, “Student uniforms are a great
equalizer. I think it’s an excellent idea that has been a long time in coming,
and this is so much more comfortable than my normal clothing.”
see NUDE, page 4
PENDULUM FYI
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“Play a ^iS^i|ous 18 gfetyour deg?^|^|
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“We bou^t |9%ano^rteg^set’’:;^^ ^
“We’ve even got^E^fbryoi^^
“Now with even moi%1toi8|^§8^®it B- students”
Preregistration to be determined by
swimsuit, talent competition
Carrie Lancos
Not Retaining Junior Status
The Office of the Registrar
announced plans Monday to change
the requirements for Fall semester
preregistration for the 1999-2000
school year.
The order by which students
register will no longer be deter
mined by credit hours, fellows sta
tus or effectiveness as a line-cutter,
rather by a talent and swimsuit com
petition.
The change comes after an
unusually high number of com
plaints were lodged against the ad
justments made to the registration
process for the Spring Semester reg
istration in November.
A spokesperson for the regis
trar said: “The idea was actually
proposed by a student. During his
discussion with the registrar, the
student mentioned that he was able
to belch the “Star Spangled Ban
ner” after three sips of Mello Yello.
His moving rendition of the na
tional anthem sparked the inspira
tion for the preregistration change.”
“The registrar took one look
at this dude and said, ‘You know,
that kind of kid with that kind of
talent deserves to get into ‘The
Kennedy Assassination in Film’ if
he damn well pleases, regardless of
the fact that he only has 27 credit
hours. This system needs to bring
the students’ skills and talents into
account.’”
see REGISTRATION, page 4