Page 15
Features
Feb. 14,2002
You think you know, but you have no idea:
m KLON SQUIRREL RITES RM^K
Lindsay Porter
,Reporter
This is the diary of an Elon Phoenix Squirrel.
Here’s how it really
went down.
It was a brisk, sunny
Elon day when I first
reached campus. I had
only recently been laid
off from my job with the
traveling squirrel circus,
and I knew I needed to
find work quick.
I had seen numerous
Aramark advertisements
on my tree travels
around Burlington, and I
decided to apply for a
temporary job in the
food service industry.
The interview did not
go well. I was forced to
answer various ques
tions about my work ex
perience as a traveling
circus squirrel and was
faced with a series of
questions that required
quick responses to situ
ation concening food
service.
The interview was
overwhelmingly biased,
as I was judged by my
lack of experience with
the food groups, exclud
ing nuts. Needless to
say, I was sent home job
less, discouraged and
slightly hostile.
And so my campaign
began. If Aramark em
ployees didn’t want me
on their team, then I
would spend the remain
der of my natural squir
rel life wreacking havoc
on Aramark and the rest
of the Elon campus.
This is a story of re
demption, an ongoing
battle to establish squir
rels across college cam
puses worldwide as
forces to be reckoned.
' jVtT-Mk'C-A'i
ISC-'
Annette Randall/Photo Editor
An Elon squirrel shares his view while hanging out in a nearby tree.
8 a.m.
I assumed my post in the
branches high above tlie walkway
extendedin between Harden Din
ing Hall and Story Center. Only
here could I prey on tlie students
running late for their early-morn-
ing classes. Sometimes I like to
scare them by jumping out of the
trees and landing directly in front
of tliem. This usually evokes fear
in the pedestrians and extreme
aprehension.
10:37 a.m.
It’s still early in the day and
I’ve already witnessed 12 stu
dents’ near-death experiences
with tlie Physical Plant golf carts.
Just to freak people out, I did
six laps around ie traffic circles.
It made me dizzy, but it was worth
it to see people’s response.
12:04 p.m.
I had a disagreement with
some of the wildlife near Harden
Dining Hall. The Lake Mary
Nell ducks and I haven’t been get
ting along for quite some time
now. It’s not just me, though; sev
eral of my fiirry friends have been
having issues with them as well.
They’re obviously jealous of our
presence on campus. Things
were different for them before we
came; I guess they just can’t
handle it.
Regardless, I won the battle.
The campus may be able to drive
the ducks and geese away during
campus tours, but not me. I’m in
it for tlie long haul.
3:57 p.m.
Things have been pretty slow
this ilfternoon. I saw three people
take nasty falls after triping over
the loose bricks in the walkway
connecting Moseley to the west
ern portion of campus. Just for
kicks, I ran circles around them
until tliey got up an ran away.
5:43 p.m.
A group of ornery guys from
Chandler tried to lure me into a
. trash can today. It seems they
were attempting to capture me
and sell me back to the circus. I
showed diem. Let’s just say diey’ll
be spending a lot of time in the
health center from now on. Ra
bies will do that to a person.
9:15 p.m.
Things are dying down on
campus. It’s time for me to rest
up for tomorrow’s day of terror
izing. I bit the ankles of almost
all of the Aramark employees be
fore they left for the evening. It
may not be the most ideal form
of revenge, but it suits me just
fine. Paybacks are hell.
"Squirrels for tints contend, and,
wrong or right,
For the world's empire kings amhi'
tious fight.
What odds?"to tis 'tis all the self'
same thing,
A nut, a world, a squirrel, and a
king.”
'Charles Churchill
"Presents upon a tree equally plau'
sibly, hut (nut) Meat witlwi, is req'
uisite to squirrels, and to me."
'Emily Dickinson
"Him dat giv' de squir'ls de hushtails
made de bobtails fu' de rabbits"
'Paul Dtmbar
"If we had a keen vision of all that
is ordinary in human life, it ivould
be like hearing the grass grow or
the squirrel's heart beat, and we
should die of that roar which is the
other side of silence."
'George Eliot
"The mountain and the squirrel had
a quarrel."
'Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The wildness of squirrels is an
awesome wildness."
'Douglas Fairbaim
"You can't keep a squirrel on the
ground."
'Mary Lasswell
"You can't find a striped squirrel in
every hollow fence pole."
'Nash
"Policemen, like red squirrels, must
be protected."
'Joe Orton
"Her chariot is an empty hazelnut,
made by the joiner squirrel or old
grub."
'William Shakespeare
"Some of you hide food around the
house like a squirrel storing up nuts
for the winter"
'Richard Simmons
"Like a small grey coffee pot sits the
squirrel."
'Anonymous
http://www.angelfire.com/fl/scalisti/sm.html
Those furry things
that run around
campus.. •
squir ♦ rel> n. Any arlioreal of
tlie largest raniilics Scluiidae, of
Rxlents, Sciuiiis genus, ivfening to
tree sciuiiTels, which found in
most forested puits of tiic worki.
They have a k>ng llcxible busy tail
luid siiort nuizzics. They arc
diurnal, feeding on seeds, nuts ;uid
leaf buds, with some insect i)r other
luiimal fotxi. A ttumbcr of tctnpcr-
ate s['»ecies, while not true
hibemants, store fax! for the winter
and enter deep torpor,
squir♦reUly- adj. Slang.
I. Eccentric. 2. Cunningly
unforthcoming or reticent.
The American Heritage College Dictionary
The New American Desk Encyclopedia
Annette Randall/Photo Editor
While squirrels make them
selves right at home on campus,
they still remain skiddish, seek
ing shelter among the trees.