Feb. 28, 2002
Features
When in Hungary, stay out of strip cluljs
Mike Trainor
Reporter
I don’t claim to be particularly smart,
but I do know a handful of things. I
know not to pet stray dogs. I know how
to say “I don’t know” and “I don’t re
member” in French. I know righty
tighty, lefty loosey I would like to take
this opportunity to pass along one of
the more important things I know.
Stay out of Hungarian strip clubs.
There you are. Thank you for your time.
What? You want to know why you
should stay out of Hungarian strip
clubs? You want to know how I know
such things about the world? Well, I
suppose I could tell you my tale of woe
in hopes that you will not follow my
example.
Arriving in Budapest, Hungaiy, on
a class trip through Europe, the first
thing I noticed was how incredibly cold
it was. Wearing most of the clothes I
had brought, I was still freezing. Our
group took a long time to check into
the hotel, so by the time we were on
our own, it was already dark.
One of our assignments during this
trip was to talk to average people about
the European Union, which gave us an
excuse to wander around bars all night.
I won’t bore you witli the sights and
sounds of this unique place; I know you
want me to just get to the strippers.
As we walked through the city, we
were approached by several strange
men who seemed to be employed as
carnival barkers for strip clubs. I would
imagine a group of young American
males was exactly the demographic
they were looking, for.
One identified himself as Mario, and
' told us that if we went to his strip club,
we would see the most beautiful
women in the world doing some of the
most disgusting things. (That is the nic
est way to put it.) Our group of five,
whose names will remain anonymous,
chatted among ourselves and decided
that Mario seemed like a tiustworthy
fellow who would not do us wrong. It
would cost the equivalent of $3 to get
into the club, so we decided to give it a
shot. The worst-case scenario would be
that we were out $3. The best case
would be seeing beautiful women do
ing disgusting things.
So there we were-young, stupid and
walking into a strip club in a former
communist state. The club was ex
tremely small and extremely empty.
The only other customer was an older
gentlemen who was slow dancing with
a short stocky woman in a bikini.
The other women, who were mildly
attractive, danced about the club with a
slightly bored look on their faces. The
woman on the main stage removed her
top and looked at her watch.
There were no beautiful women
doing disgusting things anywhere to be
seen. We sat down in a booth, and a
baitender immediately approached us.
We got the impression that if we didn’t
order a drink, the bartender would re
vert to his position as bouncer. The
drinks cost another $3, a little pricey
for Budapest, but we were willing to
let it go.
There was still a glimmer of hope
to see beautiful women doing disgust
ing things. We decided if tilings were
not looking any better when we finished
our drinks, we would get out of there
and would have paid $6 to learn that
Hungarian strip clubs are boring. But
things were about to get interesting.
At one point, the bartender/bouncer
gave the signal to all the strippers at the
bar to stop what they were doing and
conveige on our booth. “Hello,” said
the one who spoke English, “Ve vill sit
vith you?” As we looked at each other
doubtfully, tlie strippers made the deci
sion for us and climbed into the booth.
There were five of us and four of them,
so my friend and I ended up sharing a
conversation with the one who had been
on stage. It went something like this:
’You are Americans, yes?”
“Yes.”
“Ohhhh, vere in America?”
“New Jersey.”
“Ohhhh, New Jersey is so nice.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“You vant dance?” The other girls
had asked my friends the same thing.
We tried to find out what this would
cost us. She wouldn’t tell, she just said,
“I give you good dance.” Locking my
left leg and my Mend’s right leg to
gether, she proceeded to give both of
us a lap dance at the same time. The
conversation could now continue.
“Vhy you come to Budapest? You
come vith university?”
“Yeah.”
“I go to university, become doctor
someday,” she said as she took iier top
off.
“You don’t say We are here learn
ing about the European Union.” I sud
denly remembered the reason we were
on this trip. “Wliat do you think about
tlie European Union? Do you think it
could help Hungary if they became
members?”
“Ohhhhh, yes. Ever since the l^o-
viet Union collapsed, Hungary has had
a difficult time in a capitalist society
Before, eveiyone had the same low pay
and deficient housing, but at least ev
eryone was taken care of.
“Now, there is extreme poverty and
a huge homeless problem.
“Joining the European economic
community would bring huge amounts
of European business to Hungary, cre
ating jobs for millions. It would also
bring the Euro. Most of all, it would
help Hungary to leave its communist
past and walk into the future with its
new identity.”
' Okay I made that up. What she re
ally said was, “ I don’t know, you vant
to touch?”
Soon, the lap dance was over and
we noticed, to our hon or, that the table
was now filled with champagne glasses
and iinother round of drinks. We asked
what the hell all of this stuff was and
tliey calmly told us, “You buy us drink.”
We had to get out of there.
The kutender/bouncer ciune over
and handed us a bill. Now my math
skills arc not that great, but afterward,
we figured out that the bill came to
about $250. We had just gotten to Hun
gary tliat night and had not had a chance
to change much money I looked around
the table and saw a lot of nervous-look-
ing Americans.
Suddenly, the club got a little
warmer. We ended up emptying our
pockets on to tlie table to leave that
awful place.
I may not know a lot about the
world. I may not know what the thing
that hangs down in you tliroat is Ciilled.
I may not know which fork is for Siilad
However, I do have one piece of
information covered. Wlien in Hun
gary, stay out of strip clubs. And never
listen to a guy named Mario.
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