citizens: Prepare to be mountied
Commentary
jich Blomquist
Columnist '99
If you don’t believe that Canada is preparing to invad
United States, get yourself a bottle of ginger ale.
Even a superficial examination of the Canada Dty a
reveal the nefarious intentions of our neighbor to .
reasonable person would expect the Cana a ry
depict Canada. It’s only logical. .1 A„,prica
But this is not the case. The entire continent ofNort 1
is pictured on the bottle s
label! ,
Why would a product
named Canada Dry mcoipo-
California, Florida and even Mexico '°^°'^,,r„ctur-
Was this some gross oversight on the part of the
Or did the label designers at Canada Dry simply have som
*^xtra space to fill?
I refuse to accept either of these explanations.
No amount of geographical ineptitude can acc
blatant disregard of national boundaries. v,„,u;r,aerof an
, 1 propose that the ginger ale label is a subtle h
'Eminent Canadian invasion. ^ pther-
. But before you brush this off as another one o
induced delusions, consider the facts. dinned into
Much like Mr. T. and Tony Danza, Canada has sbpped
the all-concealing shadows of anonymity.
Ask vourself, “What do I really know about Canada,
tre they’ve got some good hockey teams, but only commu-
Atrh hockey That’s how they nailed Oswald.
"“•L m* I'M "o ““
a result of sheer ignorance or a deficient educa-
" wt do“rkno« about Canada because for .he las. Kveral
de*to Its go.en.nien. and reside„.s have been del,ben.,el,
“ m^Stor amounts to an effective and unprecedenEd
havered and maintained an idealenvironmentfor the stock-
r>f arms and training of soldiers.
’’ as the citons of the United States turned .heir anenhon to
more excinn. counmes. Canada has prepared iBelf for an all-
..inn of the world’s last remaining super-power,
r— battalions of bazooka-toting Motinties st^d
poSld Ing our undefended northern border, eagerly awaiting
‘'“iSlli’.S for *e impending offensive is obvious.
Canada isn’t exactly prime real esBle. Untes you re aM,-
edm^e eerie desolation of tundra, vaca..on ho, spots are few
and far between.
And 1 don’t need to tell you about the climate. Let’s just say
that MTV will never tape summer episodes of “The Grind” at a •
beach house in Nova Scotia.
The Canadians’ insatiable hunger for land also compels them
to invade the United States.
Canada has its own version of the NFL, appropriately titled
the Canadian Football League (CFL). This is no secret.
But few Americans realize that the standard CFL playing
field is several miles longer and wider than its NFL counterpart.
In the CFL, a single halfback sweep can last for weeks!
The CFL has added several expansion teams in recent years.
If the league continues to grow at its current rate, Canada will
soon face a serious land shortage.
So there are clear motives behind Canada s desire to seize
American territory.
But a troubling question remains. Why would the Canadians
reveal their sinister plans by diagramming them on ginger ale
bottles?
Are the Canadians gloating about their imminent assault? Or
is the Canada Dry label a clandestine warning produced by
benevolent beverage manufacturers?
I do not know the answer. But one thing is clear.
As citizens of the United States, we must unite and destroy
the Canadian menace, once and for all!
m
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