Movie Analysis
'Hn: Void:, For Students, ByStiiAente 11
By le Snarty Libertarian
Spidcmian. He's as recogntji^ble as Bat^
ni;y; v ithout the gadgets); tli0 iisrtoriety of
■>! siiel without that whole ice cave of
liN.ithok"--. 'Shift)' eyes* Re\ ie\v time!
Spiderman 1,
Spiderman 2,
Spiderman 3
' 'ii director Sani Raimi. You were on top
. i'thc lo'A budget subculture prior to filming
thi' I'rtH-ious stinft bomb of a trilogy. And
'*> yn lop of thif low tjudgct subculture,*^ 1
■ course am referring to you being the Gran
i hi’h Poobah of nerds.
No. I'm for serial. Rami's got the crown
•ind evervthmg.
Soooooo how dot^ Rami go from be-
iiij; the reason Bruce Campbell, (who is in
.'Vi;ry Rami film) is relevant by ushering in
tho nichi> culture of the Evil Dead trilogy, to
filmin;: not one, not two but three. .THRHE
low budget TV shows based loosely aroun^
' .Greek mythology ancf lifvso doing being the
placed Xena)
is reljSvaMt i'telatively «:peak)nji). to filming
THRFE of the most inane, inaccurate; plod
ding. stupid superhero films to ever plague
the silver ‘-creen? Well, let's ask ourselves:
one Ilf these things is not like the other, so'
wAiich is it?
Oh wait, thal'^ right: low budget direc-
•oi, unfamiliar with the realm of blockbuster
filnib gi\en full reign to do as ht saw fit to
■ lie first, muhimillion dollar Spiderman film.
Only y;iK)d will come from this!
words why this series is abysmally
.atrocious Tobey. Maguire. If Elijah Wgod
.-.lid .Macaulay Culkin had a loye child, it
" .luld be this guy His wide-oyed. pieiting
Tt bores into your soul aj^ that tyrd eating
jir^n reeks of self satisf^i^tion.
Just like.„{lmage of Culkin and Wood
thrust into an atomizer and their features
morphed into one api>eais).,.Ugggghh, never
mind.
Now, while Maguire may not be a down
right horrendous actor, the roles he consis
tently finds? himself In lends the question:^
Have no shame, man? I
??pidaTn;in 1-3: Tobey. you're just too old^
Pleasantv ille: .lustj^zarre... i
Fear and Loathing in Lsj Vegas: (Takes
breath) Actually, this one isi|gute good, but
only because .lohiuiy Depp portrt^a cokej
out nutcase
Maguii« is honestly a fairly decent Spjder-
man...lf SpiJermatt were a 25-year-old play
ing make believe that he is 16.
Nov,'. Le;'s plaj|'Spiderman Bingo'! Fori
those new p the game, place a chip cxery,;
wne the plot could, be resolved in 10 second^
or there is stane pointles.s cameo firom a guyS
that owes 5iam Raitni money, or Willem D.i-
lo.'just decides to,i)hcw tlirough sccnci-y like
.1 rabid dog. OkiesLet's start.
I’aiker gels bhl|i|by a radioactive spider;
IC5
Bruce C'ampt>ell makes hi.s oblig:itory
cameo, as he promptly does in every single
piccc of Raimi's work ,&om the beginning of
liniLV .asa wtestling annouiKer'.’: 110
Macho Man Randy Savage is uiili/ed
properly, shock, and promptly cuts a
brief promo against Parker (Ooooooboo
VeeeiL-eeeeiwaaii): 012
Willem Dafoe attempts his best ,Iack Nich
olson impression as The Green tioblin, and
immediately steals the show with the best
lines: G22
Now we get to Mary Jane...
(.)h Kirsten Dunst. you had a promising
cart er. a child actress you were honestly
quite giftt?fl: Jumanji, Interview with the
Vampire iheSv- were good films that while
taking fh«mselves seriously still managed
to inc}rpOratt' heart and a degree of humor
within tiiem. Banderas as Armand stole the
show and truly did convey Anne Rice's vi
sion ef romanticized vampirism perfectly,
and left tliat sparkly garbage at the door.
.Maryf Jane Watson...1 do not solely put the
blame onto Dunst for this Mary Jane should
n|ver fiick.
Itls onFtMng to take creamv l)ctnse.i.ii^h
a franchise, but it is a totally different ani-
mal to alienate one's target demo-
j^raphfc entirely: naniely tlie fans of the com
ics.
Civven Stacy, iParkgr's first love
WAAAAAAAY before the redheaded al
batross found its way around his neck, was
nailed superbly by not only Bryce Howard
in numero tres ^yes, Opie's S3d) but Emma
Stone u^^azing Spide^ also.
Why i,s this a pi'oblem\Gwen Stacy was
KILLED by the Goblin in ^e comics and
cartoon. Yes, w'ay to screw the pooch on that
fotie Raimi and put a dead girl in your third
film after Dafoe Dafoe'd his last as Goblin
and seppuku'd hirnsel^jikith tots own glider,
w hen that sam^Dafoe shotiiS have been the
one to end her life.
f)h yeah, SPOli^jil^ Oops.
Is this nitpicking'’^'o. No^t isn't. This is
common Spiderman know ledge that the fan-
basofwho went to see thi|fe films DID pick
up on. ' •
"There is creative li.^se and then there is
being so inept at knowing who comes where
in the comic time line that perhiips creating
a film about that vefy comic character is not
the best of options. Nor was including the
Sandman.„the Sandnian in the third film.
Metallica this character ain't.
He can say a prayer but we forget him,
son.
Oh yeah, the Biii^o: N31. BINGOI!
Nothing against Thomas HadeivChurch
for his portrayal of this character, E.\cept one
thing ..WHY HIM?! Church was squandered
in this CG-laden, lack of a story piol' that
was the trainwreck of Spiderman 3. He went
from a good film like Sideways to this...It
causes one to wonder if he lost a bet with
Paul Giamatti when he signed on for this
role.
Of all of the Spiderman rouges gallery,
why Sandman'’ What, was Kingpin too dig
nified for a film that has Parker taking dantie
moves from the Beegecs while a perpetual
Lmkiii Pa! k collection is playing in his head.
CTawiingJin his skin that symbiote wa,s, but
they even got Venom wrong.
Oh. sure the black suit was ovemil fine,
except for that whole part about
ting on a DEAD woman.
Why Topher Grace as Venom? Vi'a.s A-sfe-
ton kutcher busy that weekend with l-*unkd?
What other fhat 70’s Show cast you ivant to
bring in, Raimi? May be Milj kanis to pi*r-
tray Black Cat or Laura Prepon to be Ma
dame Web.
First of all. THIS is Venom:
THIS is also Venom:
Andrew, Garfield:
>■
Courwsy of WWW jngxom
ounesyof coUkkrxom
THIS is not Venom:
Why would Raimi believe such a scrawny
chump like Topher Grac^»|^(siid play^ne
of the most recogni^^e, beloved afli^l^i
:ifoimd requestedjjsHains of all time? V%
Diessl. even .M.irt Wahlburg would Jiai-e
niade a better ^nom than TG. Venom is
like eight feet u® and built like a tank. He
is NOT five ft^t nothing and built like lin-
guine. ‘ V V ■*
Now, if Raimi wanted to, THIS is Car
nage:
Couneryof p«i
Notice tli^sfee differential. Cl^s Cas- '
sidy (the man in^e suit) is scraw^^ Eddie
Brock (Venom) il%ot. Quite the diSfetence.
Any w ay, movie ra^mero dos now .
Doc Ock, .Alfred Molina, could not
been more perfectly c«st. He was the besf.
cast of any of the villains in the series. WTiici^
brings me to Hany Osbc^e.
Why Janies Franco? Of ANYONE to por
tray Paxker's best firiend ^at is a 1EEN Fran
co looks even less like a teen than Maguire
does' At least Maguire c» rock the babyface
and make it believable. Ff.mco.,iso. just no.
You're not Hobgoblin material.
This is the Hobgoblin:
,oun€sj^ of en.w^p«cfe».orx
Dude looks B.e a leer*, n*'"’
Instead of being ttie stereotypical geeky
kid in high sch^l, Garfield plays th:« more
realistic. Parker is a skateboarder who has a
jj||Wiingly uoraquiied crush op (wait Sc." itj...
ijwen Stacy!! Finalfy!!
* Emma Stone plays this Gwen Stacy s.
bit different..-Alright, totally dUTerent than
Bryce Howard did. Instead offing Pretty
Girl Stereotype #431, she has w identity.
She is not the fcap^Cdamsel in dSstress ei
ther. She is an mtelKgent, tesourcefiM. tovim®
and devoted woman wfio (though imsnenseh
terrified of the Liisar^fSoes her best to st^
staying in
Ctirt Co«*m (Lizard) is a MUCH m»ne
Telatable and sympathetic 'villain' than Cjob-
’ lin, Ock, Sancfenan. Hobby or Venom. Instead
‘ of be'mg driven by hatreJ or,.e\il because
the plot says .so he is driven to find s m i-
tagen that will grow back his niis'irig ,»rm.
This is no! a man bent on globa! cc-no.kra or
killing because argle feigle bargle. This is a
man who wishes to change the wofki im
plementing an inter-species giT>\\^'
'K5»tracted from a lizard. He's not ev>L idit is
the classic mad scientist merely mis-
:d. And he looks like David .7anadlac
iUBUL
ih-. -
>txom
Owrtesv of en.w ikipediajjrf
This is f'^T Hobby:
TWiesy of bnvfnewtfljf Jl
^ i^ile Thji Amaring S^ntennan may sirr-
Mlpais Rainj^lihn in pl>^ri» acctiracy tc-
comioj^^flliavmg Ma^i Sheen »s
BeniSP w>t Iran, I can see aft
w buff would other ihre«-
V excftiog and with pfcn-
us tha «w |u«isbte and Ae
nKS&idraw s Ae exact
U: SB»i> LibeiSJBWm aad
m>t es«f tie afeaW rip *
Covass^
, lliev
Note iv) Rumi Ihs- .K-Uouw.' i
w.ttu fhe:r l^ck
ITie .^nuu'ing Sf5idcra:„.ti.
.Now, The Amazing Spiderman. .firmcvl
by Marc Preston Webb, is desci’vioj in fiviiry
wav of that niuce.
HalleUiJniJ' i-iNALl.V a director wh.'m
actually bothered to read totiiics ,ts a cluM.
■Witl) great posvier comes greM respwisiWI*'
ityand WVbb sp» his take Imltottiy!
,s||?