VOLUME XXIV
CAMPUS VICE RING BARED AFTER PROBE
MILNERS FLEE TO
EUROPE, ESCAPING
DRAGNET OF LAW
Discovery of Income Tax Eva
sion Forces Sudden Departure
of President and Wife.
STOLEN FUNDS REVEALED
Probe Discloses President's Connection
With Munitions, Tobacco, and Dis
tillery and Inability to Spell.
Dr. anl Mrs. Clyde A. Milner, in an
official statement yesterday, announced
proposals for a European trip this
summer. Pending plans were made defi
nite by receipt of an indictment from
the United States government for gross
evasion of the federal income tax law.
J. Kdgar Hoover's famed net tightened
a notch yesterday when the Milners re
ceived the indictment, making them
members of an already long list of in
come tax evaders including Alfred Ca
pone, class of '23, and Samuel Insull,
class of 'l4.
The Milners, reliable sources disclose,
have a net income second to but few in
the United States. Besides the tre
mendous annual salaries paid tliem by
the college. Dr. Milner's income in
cludes dividends from enormous stock
holdings in du Pont, Union Carbide
and other munitions companies, the Old
Quaker distillery, and It. J. Reynolds
Tobacco company.
It is alleged that Dr. Milner also ex
panded his income considerably by
subtle inclusions of large percentages of
sums donated to the gym fund (which
he, incidentally, has profitably spon
sored three times in the last eight
(Continued on Page Four)
NATIONAL ADVERTISING
SOLICITED FOR PAPER
Extra llevenue Will Enable Guiifordian
to Publish Enlarge Edition
Each Week.
EDITOR KANNE MAKES PROTEST
The UUIWOBUIAN lias at last been
forced to yield to the demands of the
administration and will carry cigarette
and beer advertising, beginning with
the next edition.
Ed tor Thomas Ashe Kaniie, whose
efforts to forestall the administration's
step failed last week, said, when in
terviewed :
"I intend to go on with the paper,
and make the best possible of a bad
situation; but I feel that the tone of
the GUILFORDIAN has been irreparably
lowered."
Kanue's objections to the move, in
addition to concern for the paper, are
that the increase of revenue accruing
from the ads will force publication of
a six-column, six-page sheet weekly in
place of the present five-column, four
page publication which appears twice a
month.
This additional load of printed mat
ter, the editor fears, would take too
much class time for perusal, besides
impairing student eyesight. The low
ered grades made by the literate stu
dents would reduce their chances of
going to Puke Institute, Ited Ridge or
(Continued on Page Three)
Yellow Fever
G^THE^D
GUILFORDIAN
Chapel Schedule
Monday, May 16—father Coughlin,
of Royal Oak, Mich.
Tuesday, May 17—Plesants Mercan
tile Co.
Wednesday, May 18—Father Divine
of New York's Harlem.
Thursday, May 19—Class meetings
at Clyde's.
Friday, May 20—Father Dionne of
Canada.
Monday, May 23—Leon Trotsky of
Mexico.
Tuesday, May 24—Silent meeting at
the store.
Wednesday, May 25—Ex-Dean Israel
Harding Noe of the Diocese of
Tennessee.
Thursday, May 26—Class meetings,
Plesants Inc.
Friday, May 27—Ex-Emperor Hailie
Selassie of the Italian Friends
service committee.
CURRICULUM IS
CHANGED BY PROFS
Philosophy 10 to Become Matri
mony 13; Sociology Is Re
named Orientation 0.
NUMBERS SYSTEMATIZED
Th Guilford catalogue which lias .so
long, stood the test of time and I-asley
has at last succumbed to the onward
sweep of the progressive curriculum
committee. This committee lias long
been a powerful left-wing group, but
only with the publication of the new
catalogue has it come into its own.
The old courses which have so long
served as the stepping stones to col
legiate success will now be known by
new names and many will lie entirely
revamped. For instance, sociology 2,
Mrs. Milner's famous marriage course,
will next year be patterned more after
the style of old philosophy 10, and
will go under the title of orientation 0.
Mrs. Milner feels that the most
valuable features of philosophy 10
should be incorporated in matrimony
13, and next year she is planning a
trip to Danville, Virginia, for the class.
It is hoped llmt the students will go
In pairs and not en masse. The first
(Continued on Page Three)
STUDENT GOVERNMENT
PASSES NEW ORDINANCE
Law Prohibiting Candid Cameramei on
Campus Passed as Pressure Is Brought
to Be*.r by Misrepresented Students.
In an attempt to win back the favor
of the student body of the college the
Men's Student Government, in collabor
ation with the Women's Student Gov
ernment and the V. M. C. A., has
passed an ordinance prohibiting can
did cameramen appearing on the cam
pus. 'lu the past a processing tax and
an operator's license has been required
of all candid cameramen but within
the past few weeks the rage has be
come so bud that further action on the
part of the Student Government has
become necessary. Lately there lias
been an increase in the number of
bootleg cameramen dealing iu the illicit
trade of taking pictures of the stu
(Continued on Page Three)
GUILFORD COLLEGE, N. C., MAY 14, 1938
STALIN WILL GIVE
PUSH-OFF SPEECH
TO SENIOR CUSS
To Pinch Hit for Slated Speaker
Who Is Suffering From
Unexpected Attack.
SPEAKER IS NOTED FRIEND
Will Remain for Several Weeks' Visit
With Prof, and Mrs. Haworth; Will
Do Research in Library Unit.
On Sunday morning. May 2!), the
baccalaureate sermon will lie delivered
to the senior class by Ills Red Loneli
ness, Nobody's Comrade, Joseph Stalin.
Due to an unexpected attack of acute
alcoholism, the speaker previously
scheduled for this occasion will be un
able to appear, but it Is generally con
ceded that no more appropriate choice
could have been made for a pinch-hitter.
Comrade Stalin has, for a number of
years, been closely associated with the
American Friends Service Committee
in Russia (Address 230-241 Red Square,
Moscow Satisfaction guaranteed or
money cheerfully refunded) and is a
recognized leader In contemporary
Quaker thought and action.
Only recently Comrade Stalin gained
highly favorable editorial comment
from The American Friend for his
scathing castigation of the atheistic at
titude of high U. s. S. It. officials, and
it is with keen anticipation that the
senior class, especially the divinity stu
dents. look forward to his visit. From
his intimate connection with The
American Friend's Service Committee
iu Russia (Don't overlook bargain base
ment!) Comrade Stalin is possessed of
a wealth of amusing anecdotes con
(Continued on Page Three)
CIGARETTE BUMMING IS
RACKET SAYS CAFFEY
Famous Detective Sent From Washing
ton to Rid Campus of Notorious
Vice Ring.
STAFFORD IS INDIGNANT VICTIM
In its regular monthly meeting last
night the Men's Student Government
passed a rule prohibiting the bumming
of cigarettes on the campus. In a
statement to the press Tyree Gilliam,
vice-president of the organization and
chairman of the committee on resolu
tions stated that the ordinance was
passed due to pressure brought about
by a group of victims of the organized
racket. David Stafford, spokesman for
the victims who claimed that they were
practically bi-jaeked on several occa
sions, stated that the group which lie
represented was getting desperate.
Inspector Mike Caffey of the Hugo
Ketchuiii Detective Agency has been
called in by the government to investi
gate the existing situation and bring
the leaders of the bumming gang to
justice. Inspector Caffey said that from
all appearances that there were some
desperate criminals at the bottom of
the ring but with him on the trail jus
tice would soon triumph.
Philip Kelsey, prominent Guilfordian
and resident of Yankee Stadium stated
that one member of the bumming ring
(Continued on Page Two)
Furnas Gasses in
Wednesday Chapel
Prof. Furnas, hum frum Harvard,
spoke to studes in chapel Wednes
day on "Words—l Kill 'Em." Pres.
Milner introduced speaker with:
"Heap glad you back Prof. Long
time no see." Prof, say, "Words too
long; mus' cut short." Say also
that formula for word use prove
article unimportant to tune of 25
millionths per cent efficiency. "Is
poor batting average," he conclude.
Therefore article mn' go. He say
further, "Words get shorter, lose
meaning when use too long." Say
also one syllable words have best
pedigree, come from long establish
ancestors.
At this point sum studes were ob
serve to prop feet off floor and open
windows. Prof continue unabash.
He say, "I read hook (applause)
with many big words (wild applaose)
which say words in other languages
also grow short." He produce book
as evidence and uproar subside. As
chapel bell ring Prof say, 'German
once count 13 million words which
prove this so." As Prof conclude
studes wade out careful from Mem
Hall.
Y.M.C.A. TO SPONSOR
CAMPUS HOT SPOT
"Y" Members to Cooperate With
Profs in Making Local
Bar a Success.
STAFFORD TO KEEP BAR
Of special interest to those who
cherish the "Old Quaker" tradition in
tlie history of this here fair institu
tion, is the confirmation of the de
lightful rumor that the fair-haired
boys of the local V. M. C. A. are to
establish u bar 011 campus. To give the
project a send-off all local boot-leg will
lie confiscated for the Cause!
Members of the Y. council have been
assigned, through the merit of their
positions, choice offices in the purvey
ing of l lie liquid goot] will that is
characteristic of the "good works" of
the venerable organization. The posi
tion of head-bartender has been
garnered by David "Two-lingers" Staf
ford. Serving as first assistant will be
Tyree "I'll have Scotch and soda"
Gilliam. Perian and Taylor will serve
(Continued on Page Two)
DR. RUSSELL POPE WILL
ADDRESS POLITICIANS
Talk Will Be in Conjunction With
the Ah Capella Choir
Program.
Dr. Russell Poi>e, esteemed linguist
and authority on current events of the
Guilford faculty, is scheduled to ad
dress the Guilford chapter of the Young
Democrats, of America, Monday, May
15, in Memorial hall. The meeting will
be held in conjunction with the concert
of Or. Weiss' Ah-Capella choir. Or.
Pope will supplement his talk with an
illustration of the trend toward demo
cratic individualism as exemplified by
the choir.
(Continued on Page Three)
NUMBER 12
SITTERS EXPOSED;
INNOCENTSSAVEDAS
VIRTUE TRIUMPHS
Evil Practices Are Eradicated
Through Swift Action of
Protective Group.
VICTIM RELATES STORY
Ring Operated From Founders'; Dis
closures) About Mary Hobbs Believed
Imminent as Formes Lock.
The Guilford secret police last week
uncovered evidence of incredible vice
and corruption 011 the campus. Organ
ized by a gang of hardened criminals
at Founders', the ring has led to the
addiction of many Guilford girls to
campus-sitting I
According to an operative, whose
name we are not free to reveal, the
gang operated through accomplices on
the men's side of the campus. One of
these malefactors would begin by ap
proaching one of the appointed victims
after class and walking hack to the
dormitory with her. After this, one
thing led to another until the girl took
almost for granted the suggestion {hat
she go out and sil on the campus.
In the course of a painstaking un
dercover investigation lasting for sev
eral months, the efficient protectors of
Quaker womanhood discovered that no
fewer than half of the girl residents
at Founders' had .sat on the campus at
one time or another. Alter the drag
net gathered up the more flagrant of
fenders, the innocent victims, led away
weeping by the officers conducting the
probe, told heart-rending .stories of de
celt and .shame —except for a few who
were hardened to the extent of losing
these finer feelings.
(Continued on Page Four)
POPULACE CLAMORS FOR
BEITTEL DICTATORSHIP
Tremendous Crowd Roars Approval to
II Dean's Speech on Thurs
day Evening.
JOHN I'ERIAN PREPARES TO FLEE
The hysteria which greeted (he ap
pearance of "II I>ean" A. D. Beittel
at the mass meeting last Thursday put
new furrows in the troubled brows of
the embattled leaders of student gov
ernment on Guilford campus.
"Luftscbauchbeschaedigung!" thun
dered the popular "Leader," while the
propaganda-crazed crowd roared its ap
proval. "Wein, Weil) und Gesang sol
len nicht hier sein! Sapientiam atque
virtntem moliorl"
Beittel concluded in a triumphant
burst of oratory punctuated by search
lights operated by his Minister of
Propaganda, Thomas "Wotan" Taylor.
Several hundred copies of his history
making document "Mine Comp" were
sold to his listeners immediately after
the speech.
Kntbuslasiu was running madly about
the campus while pale, aging President
John Perian retreated to Cox Hail for
peace and seclusion. He is being
watched for attempts at suicide, but it
is beginning to be feared that the
(Continued on Page Four)