NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS 3
New I.D.
Policy Instigated
By Fetrula Progress
Some Kind of Reporter
A new I.D. policy will begin
Fall semester of next year. "Due
to the fact that so many students
seem to (a-hem) misplace or
misuse their College 1.D., well, it
had to stop. I think we've come up
with the best plan possible to
keep that from occuring." Com
mented Dick Dyer, Assistant
Director of Housing.
The College trustees have over
whelmingly approved of the new
proposal. "Yup, this is a winner."
This was the only comment made
by the trustees' spokesman. The
policy will be as follows;
1) Each student, upon register
ing, will have their forehead
branded with the Guilford
tree, name and date of birth.
2) Following the branding,
students will be served orange
juice and cookies by the Red
Cross Volunteers to prevent
any undue trauma.
3) The key event will be the tatoo
Corn
Rebellion
By Horatio on a Stick
Ihtfwfd Correspondent
Last Friday, 13 irate students
stormed the cafeteria, deman
ding a student boycott of the corn
dogs. One student said "Not only
idoes the cafeteria present
students with foods that are of the
same gelatin consistency, but the
iGuilford cafeteria is now ex
perimenting in the field of
"mystery foods." The student
(who wishes to remain
anonymous for political reasons)
sees the long string of mystery
having started with the Mountain
Publishing Event Aids Guilford
By I.L. Literate
('.heap (.orrespondent
Greensboro-based BM
Publishers, distributors of the
renowned and popular travel
book series Seeing Europe on
Five Dollars a Day has branched
out in subject matter with its new
lamwlsll
Coin Laundry & Pub
While you wash, visit our pub
for your favorite cold beverage.
Open 8:00 am-Midnigtit, 7 Days A Week
2114 Walker Ave. 21Z 1387 Greensboro
ing of the student's personal
I.D. number on the knuckles of
the right hand. This location
will prove to be an accessible
spot for the student checkers
in the cafeteria.
As to the student response,
senior Doc Roberts could only
surmize, "I'm glad I won't be at
Guilford next year." The College
administration feels it to be a
necessary step. At first it may
seem a bit harsh, however on
closer inspection, it actually
eliminates some of the student's
worry. "Everyone will know
everyone's name at a glance
which should open some
previously closed doors." This
stated by a Personal Growth
spokesman.
Student Senate is looking into a
sister proposal to file student's in
dex fingers to replace the stan
dard room key. "Many of the ex
isting locks will have to be replac
ed," quipped an enthusiastic
Nathan Bohn, Senate president.
"Other than that I see no pro
blems with it at all."
Climber sandwich and has slowly
moved on to the salmon croquets.
So he has staged the "Corn Dog
release - How to Make a Year
book on Five Dollars a Day. The
Chairman of BM sees this book as
an important event in publishing
because it will enable small col
leges everywhere to maintain
yearbook budgets at reasonable
levels. The Chairman told us:
"We at BM see the problems
which face the small college to-
Limb Loss At Outdoor Parties
By Nofeet Nohands
Cold Correspondent
Muggers aren't the only danger
of the night for students who stay
up past dark. When the
temperature dips below 35
degrees, doctors at local
emergency wards have reported
a high rate of limb loss for people
18-24 years of age.
Hospital records show that
usually sometime after midnight,
groups of people will wander in
from outdoor parties, dazed and
By Cob Woodstein
Scandal Correspondent
Quest, Guilford's supposed pro
ject to improve the college, has
been discovered to actually be a
secret fund to help the San
dinistas remain in power in
Nicaragua.
In what appears to be
Guilford's version of Watergate,
it became evident that there was
i something wrong with Quest
when it was reported that the pro
gram was raising thousands of
dollars, but no plans were being
II made for any improvement to the
L college. After secret investiga-
Rebellion." "I ain't gonna eat
anything I can't see. I mean I've
heard of toast on a stick but this is
day. Everyone loves their year
book, but why should they be
P jrced to pay $25,000 for it when it
can be had for a mere $750?" This
book's logic has already taken
fire at Guilford thanks to both the
Community Senate's and the
Quaker editor's acute insight into
the brillance of this plan. The
Guilfraudulent interviewed a
yearbook spokesman here at The
Quaker. He told us: "We have
been able to cut our budget
drastically this year as opposed
to previous years. Last year, for
example, we saw what happened
when the misguided attempted to
strive for too much quality and
imagination. The budget was
greatly overrun. This year, the
story is much different. We are
now attempting with great suc
cess to make up for last year's
folly through BM's How to Make
cold. A common ailment is one
doctors call "beerhand," when a
can or bottle of beer is stuck to
one or all of the fingers for good.
This is treatable only with
surgery. "Partyfoot" is another
casualty of the evening, when all
sensation of life flees from numb
ed feet. This condition is worsen
ed when beer is spilled on the foot
and freezes over. "Yeah, I
remember the day my Michelob
capsized on my foot. Man, that
was the end of that," recalls Cob
Woodstein, who now attends par
ties on crutches.
"This determination to party,
Quest Aid goes to Sandinistas
tions made by the Moral Majori
ty, it was discovered that certain
members of the Board of Visitors
and President Daniel Ortega of
Nicaragua are long time friends.
In a press conference late
Thursday, Ortega hinted at hav
ing monetary support from a
secret source in the United
States. When the Moral Majority
confronted the Board of Visitors
with this statement and the other
evidence that they had acquired,
they denied any involvement.
It was then that Religion Pro
fessor M. Keiser entered into the
conflict. After stating his Quaker
ridiculous." T-shirts like the one
illustrated are on sale in the lob
by of Founders Hall.
a Yearbook on Five Dollars a
Day Plan. What we have in
stituted is the use of a process
which has been around for many
years, the photocopying
machine. We spent only S3OO of
our alloted $25,000 budget on the
Yomatsu 5000, an outstanding co
pying machine costing much less
than Xerox and consequently, we
have eliminated the need for a
photo staff and a darkroom
which, incidentally, we now rent
out in order to raise money for
the Senate. What we do is invite
students who wish to have their
picture in the yearbook to come
up to our office and place their
face in our Yomatsu. Then they
have a high quality copy of their
face for all to see. The Yomatsu is
portable so that we can carry it
all over campus to get the shots
we need."
The Guilfraudulent
Page 3
Guilfraudulent -
even at subzero temperatures,
will be the end of young people to
day," said Dr. Stanley Livingston
in his Greensboro office. "My of
fice has been plagued with
frostbitten partiers. I can't stand
it anymore. Their music gives me
headaches and I can't stand the
smell of beer. Thank goodness
spring is coming because I can't
take this much longer."
"Spring, man," says Woodstein
gleefully, "and then summer and
before you know it winter'll be
here and we can stick it to the
freshmen."
beliefs to be the reason tor com
ing forward he confessed that all
the Quest funds had been sub
sidizing the Sandinista govern
ment. He also claimed that Presi
dent William Rodgers and the
Chairman of the Board of Visitors
are members of an underground
group here on campus, the Im
moral Minority.
The spokesman for the Board
of Visitors could only be reached
for the statement "No Com
ment." president Rogers' press
secretary, Samuel Schuman,
claimed that the president has no
knowledge of any such activities.
Corn
Revenge
By Rover Send Me Over
Double Dip Correspondent
In rebellion to the students
"Corn Dog Rebellion" the
cafeteria has expanded their line
of corn dogs to showcase double
dip corndogs, foot long corn dogs,
cheese corndogs, chicken corn
dogs, and their ultimate weapon
of revenge is the double dog corn
dogs. The cafeteria will also be
selling their own t-shirts (as il
lustrated) in the lobby of
Founders Hall during the same
time as the students'. Bob White
has assured us that the G-Team
will be there to mediate any
potential confrontations.
asked about any disadvantages
that have been found in this pro
cess. The spokesman responded:
"The only problems we have are
minor. One is that people tend to
have their eyes closed in their
pictures. Also, it is sometimes
difficult to get running backs
under the plastic cover while they
are being copied. But, all this is
made up for in the fact that we
have eliminated the great ex
pense of the publishing end of the
yearbook process. All we do now
is sit down right after Graduation
before the summer and get all
our copies together and staple.
It's as easy as that. Then, we
have 24,500 unused dollars left at
the end of the year." The
Guilfraudulent asked if there
were any plans for this money.
We were told: "Yes, it's going to
be used to pay for our Yomatsu
summer workshops in Japan."
April 1, 1986