From the Editorial Board...
Cut Us Some Slack, Jack
Folks at Guilford have been some
what uptight this year. An abundance of
controversial issues—ranging from drug
policy to fraternities to art projects—
have been debated in the editorial sec
tion of this paper.
We appreciate the attention and the
copy, but at the same time we feel that a
lot of the back-stabbing is unnecessary.
In hopes of cooling off all of this
heated debate, we offer our readers 1/2
of this April 1 issue. All of the articles
in this issue should be taken with a grain
of salt—please don't take any of them as
personal attacks.
We have attempted to satirize all
Construction Not All Bad
Marianna Moondance
Staff Flake
I like construction. I do. I realize this
puts me in a minority in this land of (Quaker)
oats and honey, but, hey, that's okay. I'm
willing to be different. But, I ask you as a
campus, aren't you being just a tiny bit
close-minded? Just a tiny bit un-friendly?
Just a little PC? (pompous cows.)
So what's some dirt here and there?
Aren't we all friends and lovers of this
beautiful red (used to be green but we
needed a color change) earth? Get a little
closer —breathe some mud. And don't be
shy—hug a bulldozer, hang some daisies
on a crane, give them a real Guilford
welcome.
Hold hands, sing, dance, SKIP, have a
"we're under construction and we're so
darned happy" party. Meet your construc
tion workers, organize intramural teams
with them, play volleyball. (I mean, we
want them to stay as long as possible and
Lazy Bums
>- continued from page 4
skeptical that just three people can do all
that work on top of their other responsibili
ties. They probably won'tbe as friendly or
efficient, either."
sophomore Fiona Phlegm expressed a
more optimistic view. "I think it's great to
see administrators taking personal respon
sibility for maintaining the college." Asked
if she takes similar responsibility on her
self, Phiegm snorted, "Listen, pal, I pay
$15,000 a year to come here. I'm not
picking up any trash. That's their job."
Senior Whine Knosh agreed. "I think
it's actually an improvement. I submitted
a work order to my RA yesterday, and this
THE GOOFORDIAN April 1, 1991
2
PERSPECTIVES
portions of this campus (and Lord knows
there are a lot of portions worth satiriz
ing), because we feel that everyone
strong enough to speak out should be
strong enough to accept feedback. We
also feel that any belief which cannot be
laughed at is inherently dangerous.
When it really comes down to it, we
all have to deal with each other, like it
or not At a campus this size, we can't
hide from the people we don't like or
we disagree with. Therefore, we might
as well confront our differences.
Enjoy the issue. And remember—a
grain of salt.
continue making this campus the great
monument to the gods of torn-up parking
lots, half-finished roads, and purely deco
rative fences that it is. Not to mention the
tasteful brick capital of the world. Be
proud, fellow Guilfordians, be proud!)
But, the noise, you say. THE NOISE!
Just think of it as your cordial introduction
to the real world, brought to you at the cost
ofonlyS 14,000 a year (I mean $15,000...
no, I mean $ 16,000... Well, you know what
I mean...).
What do you expect —birds chirping in
the trees, the soft hum of crickets, the
gentle whisper... Well, wake up! Traffic,
roaring machines at6a.m., yelling voices...
That's the real world!
And Guilford's giving it to you at a
young and impressionable age (thanks to
that 9.5 percent tuition increase. Think of
what could be done with 10 percent!). So
smile, be happy, and love those potholes.
All of them!
I like construction.
morning, there was Jim on my doorstep,
ready to fix my windowpane. Before, it
might have taken a month. This is great."
To keep electricity costs low, power to
the campus will be turned off after sun
down beginning next month. The college
has also contracted with Toast & Crisp
Lumber Services to sell trees from the
woods for firewood and construction.
Rogers did not say whether these measures
will be carried out in a caring way.
"These extra steps, though perhaps pain
ful, will give the college desperately
needed budgetary breathing room as we
face the glorious, though mysterious, chal
lenges of a new decade, and, ultimately, a
new century," he said, speaking through
an interpreter.
He added that none of these plans will
affect the college's search for a provost
Constructive Criticism
from Staffer of UNCG
Student Newspaper
Brenda Johnston
Guest Writer
I wanted to tell you how much I've
enjoyed your newspaper. I admire the
consistency, quality and obvious dedi
cation your writers possess. I am
brought into the world of Guilford
College by your publications.
I have some suggestions, however. I
feel that they could forward the process
of improvement that your newspaper is
progressing upon.
First of all, I suggest some changes to
your writing style. I am overwhelmed
at the personality your articles possess
and I feel that the personality of the
writer starts to come through. I feel,
however, that it ought to be furthered.
Put more of the writer in your paper.
Have them say more about themselves
and their feelings while they write the
articles, no matter what section ihey
write for. The more the reader reads
their feelings, the better the reader will
understand the emotion behind the ac
tion.
Secondly, change some of your lay
out plan. The sports section should be
swapped with the editorial section,
particularly in your next issue (that ought
to center around the conclusion of the
NCAA basketball tournament).
THE GOOFORDIAN
Managing Editor Peter Smif
The Voice of Jacob Stohler Hal Holbrook
Illustrious Potentate Henry Kissinger
Nuffle Editor T-Boy Bates
VC Sympathizer Daniel Ortega
Mechanic Jimmy "Fingers" DeNada
Firearms Technician Hannibal Lecter
Gaffer Mrs. C
Gagger Vanilla Ice
The Last Asiatic Disciple "Slash" Washington
Percussion The Ford Family Singers
PC Enforcer That's Not Funny!
Visiting Whiner Michael Stipe
Colours by Alexander Julian
The Goofordian is the student rag of Guilford College, Greensboro, N.C. Submit
ted articles are accepted, but not necessarily appreciated. Opinions expressed in
editorials and letters to the editor do not necessarily reflect the harmful ultraviolet
rays of the sun, so for goodness' sake, be careful out there! The editors reserve the
right to nuffle. Please address all complaints and criticisms to: The McDonald's
Corporation, Box 229, Las Vegas, NV 86090-5229.
Your paper also needs more columns
per page. Instead of the dreary four, go
for seven columns. Your advertise
ment rates would go down, and your
reader interest would go up. I enjoy the
word ribbons such as "sportssports
sportssportssportssportssportssports"
but I think that it should be the same all
throughout the paper. Make the section
heads be the same ribbons. Also, since
your photo staff doesn't seem to be able
to operate a camera, remove photos
from your layout style. Replace them
with graphic art. You need some visual
creativity to your look. Some hand
drawn pictures will add more of a per
sonal touch.
And thirdly, I feel that the managing
editor's name should go at the top of the
credit box with his name in bold and a
larger print size. He is the main force
behind the paper as can be seen in all
the articles he writes. He IS The
Goofordian. Make sure the rest of
your readers understand that as well.
With these changes, your paper will
be closer to the standard that our paper
here at UNCG has set. If you like, I'll
send some of my art over to your office
for printing in your next issue.
The writer is the graphics designer for
UNCG's The Carolinian