Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / April 1, 1992, edition 1 / Page 1
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G •♦FOR 01A N . k'£?. Food improves; rodents vanish Studies show that last month the food quality in the cafeteria rose sharply. On a sadder note, the squirrels and the cats that we love to see around the Gooford campus have been strangely disappearing all month. Hell freezes over; deadline met A High Point meteorlogist confirmed that Hell did freeze over yesterday, but that it "ain't as though people are skiing down there, or anything like that."lnrelatednews, The Goofordian met deadline last week. "Meeting deadline was a weird kind of feeling," said Goofordian Editor-in-Chief Bustin' Cohen. "Like when you wiggle chop sticks around in your ear drums." Wrestling on wheels New Provost Dan Pateat declined to com ment on a report in last week's Goofordian that he omitted from his resume his tenure as a professional wrestler in America and England during themidl97os. Known early in his career as "Disco" Dan Pateat and later in England as Dan "The Meat" Pateat, the report claimed that he was the only grappler in history to win a wrestling title match while on roller skates. Should the report stand, Pateat would also earn the distinction of being theonly professional wrestler to go on to become a provost at a Quaker college The Rogers Family? A Gooford institutional advancement rep resentative claimed that popular children's television star Mr. Rogers should donate money to the school because President Bill Rogers is actually a long lost brother whom he never knew. In spate of the two men's remarkable similarities in appearance and maimer, a DNA test revealed that the repre sentative had indeed fudged. (However, the test indicated that former democratic presi dential aspirant Paul Tsongas and Mr. Rog ers were in fact identical twins.) Mr. Rogers was so disgusted by the cheap tactic that he obtained a restraining order prohibiting Gooford administrators from entering "his neighborhood." The word of the day on Mr. Rogers' next program was "schmuck," but it was unclear as to whether it was related to the incident. "We couldn't even get the guy to donate one of his sweaters," the college's representative said. Mr. Rogers retorted, "I'm not the only one in the land of make believe." Vol. 2, No. 1 Security update: Tickets are no longer Gooford's punishment for parking violations Security at Gooford College this semester has been given a large new budget to do things with. Director of Security Tyke Mison spoke to The Goofordian about the future of the department while taking in a show at Harper's 11. Mison described the budget increase as "cool." When asked what he plans to do with the money, Mison, who is also chairman of Gooford's Women's Stud ies program, asserted, "We plan to squeeze— I mean—kick some butt." Security's biggest problem this year is illegal parking. They plan to squelch this problem with a new vehicle code named SIP (Stop Illegal Parking). SIP will roam the campus using up large amounts of gas and frightening the older, tenured professors. Illegal parking will now mean instant Satirist rejected from Fiji sojourn: professor to be eaten w/dip?, no trip Jeffrey Dahnter Personnel Manager Students are questioning the admissions procedures of Gooford off-campus student programs following the alleged rejection of a student believed to be a cannibal. First Year Student Gnosh Fraenkfurter believes he was dropped from the Fiji trip because of an article he wrote for the Goofordian, entitled "Meat eaters compelled by killer instinct." The piece, which Fraenkfurter claims is satire, equated all meat eating with cannibalism. Fraenkfurter is a vegetarian, prompting the Board of Trustees to raise tuition 9.5 percent. Herstory Professor Kim Tircher, who is leading the group and decided on the appli cations, claims this is not the case. • "It is true I was disturbed by the article, but it did not form my decision, it only "Honey, have you seen my machete? "—Dan Pateat v *■ v v Vwv -' ••' v ,v * A v '' t- v v> '" ' v vV " v " ' . " • ... t ■•. s; Bill & Bev Photo staff SIP tested in Binford parking lot. Photo b > Ferrk Buel,er demolitonof your car plus any cars adjacent to yours. The owner of the wrongly parked automobile will be responsible for the re moval of all damaged cars and will be re quired to compensate the owners of the other vehicles. However the intro duction of SIP on campus has been a bumpy ride. An impor tantnew administrator, Dean of Institutional Vehicles-Which-Weigh-Over-Two-Tons Dan Levitan, said that SIP was having trouble turning, thus demonstrating the need for enormous cranes to be strategically placed around campus, prompting the Board of Trustees to raise tuition 9.5 percent. convinced me I had made the right decision. I had already decided to turn him down because I hate vegetarians. Those leafy buggers have got to go." But Tircher feels she made the right deci sion in order to preserve the safety of those on the trip. "Say I took him, and he ate somebody. I'd be in a great position then. I am truly concerned that his norms are not in line with America's. Can't a deficiency in amino acids produce deviant behavior?" 'This is ridiculous," said Fraenkfurter, "even if I didn't know the difference be tween meat eating and cannibalism I wouldn't eat anybody... I'm a vegetarian... especially not Tircher. By the way, whatsa middle-aged herstory professor from Harvard doing driving a Fiero?" "It's a studmobile," said Tircher. "Men drool all over it I don't see any men hanging all over that damn granola's bicycle." Gooford College, Greensboro, N.C. Security drivers also expressed concern that SIP only has an AM radio and an eight track player, and even with those meager amenities, they complained that "WQFS comes in over all that." SIP seems to be getting off to an uphill start, but with a budget as fat as security's, the ride should become smooth really soon. 'Small' bomb explodes in Guilford Co. Courthouse, none killed Reprinted with permission from the News & Record A bomb made of some kind of explo sive stuff reportedly went off in the Guilford County Courthouse yester day, according to some people who said they were there. Nobody was killed, but some people may have been injured, and some dam age was definitely done. The bomb was "pretty small" said someone we contacted at the Courthouse. This may or may not have been the work of one person. In a report last night, WGHP News said something about a death threat
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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April 1, 1992, edition 1
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