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Viscus Tissue 1 Did you know that if you took every cell in a person's body and laid them end to end along the equator that person would die? April 1,1994
Mr. Yuk overthrows campus -
'The garden's mine! The Yuk master plan
•The Mr. Yuk garden
proposal won out after a
sticky contest with the highly
popular pentagram symbol
Mr. Yuck
I write my own freakin'
articles, baby
According to Missy Poopes,
Environmentally possessed Chair,
the decision was between Yuk and
a pentacle (See The Pentacle Plan
Page 1) for the Secretlyessential
Garden has finally been made. The
green sticker, famous for driving
fear into toddlers' thirsty minds,
will be the design.
The selection of the poison-con
trol idol inspired Yuk to blurt,
"Gooford's my first stop, baby. I've
found a way to get the garden, and
Founders is next"
"Maybe you're wondering how
the garden fell into my hands. Trust
me, kids, it's not hard to mess
things up at Gooford. In fact, the
only opposition I faced was that of
Fistin' Wailing, Slim Percher's
boxing protege.
"Through infiltration of the stu
dent initiative to keep the garden's
proposed cross, I stuck on Gooford
The Pentacle plan
The descision against the controversial pentacle design for the
secretlyessential garden was a rough blow to N.O.R.M.A.L. (Naturally
Organically Religious Mystics Against Libel).
The group, known for it's demonstration against re-runs of Bewitched,
(they broke their noses in protest) will be holding a mourning ceremony
in the Dana
Moon room.
The Yuk fac
tion remains
suspiciously
quiet about the
pentagrams
failure and re
fuses to com
ment on pur
ported links to
T.W.W.B.C.
(There's Noth
ing Wrong With
Being Chris
tian). A forum
will be held
somewhere.
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-
and tricked Senator Missy Poopes
into signing a contract for a fur
pelt.
Poopes said, "I swear I thought
I was saving wolf cubs. I mean,
after all the senators who helped
out sooo much with the upcoming
Loan Fund Rabbit Shoot, I thought
I'd be giving something back."
But Poopes was forever green
when Wailing broke the news.
Wailing screamed out the news
while attempting to sell out an
F.A.R.T.S. Etc, concert.
Senate president Little Boy Toy
Dansen was left with no recourse,
but to try and stop the attempts for
the Yuk garden by bringing
Bubbles to distract Senate from
any attempt at responsibility.
However, Yuk's Green cohort (a
former Senate official) assured
The Goofordian that neither Wail
ing nor Poopes could defeat the
power of the green god of adhe
sive symbology, "You da man,
Perhaps," he told Yuk.
Treasurer Alwayz Flirton com
mented on the choice of Yuk, "girl,
I just think there is gonna be
waaaay to much VENOM on this
campus now that the Yuk man is
with us."
AROWAU
'PJISCH
OAK I LCTIOH
Guns blow
• Program
declared
by Mr. Ro
Trigger Happy
Staff Sharpshooter
Campus Ministry, the Academic
Dean's office, and the division of
Security and Safety all joined with
Mr. Rogers in exulting in the suc
cess of the new program to encour
age a safer campus atmosphere.
The policy, started this year with
the slogan "Guns for Grades", is
modeled after a new breed of pro
grams that attempt to rid inner cit
ies of weapons and promote an
awareness of gun violence by trad
ing items such as toys, food, or
even tickets to sporting events for
guns. Here at Guilford over 666
guns were turned in exchange for
an average GPA increase of 2.86
points.
"The overall willingess of the
students and faculty to give up
their firearms was really just one
more testament to the sense of
community that we share here at
Guilford", said Mr. Rogers as he
changed into his sneakers and car
digan during a recent address to a
group of children. "It's really a
beautiful day in the neighborhood
when one student can put down his
gun long enough to ask his fellow
student, "Would you be my, could
you be my, won't you be my neigh
bor?"
The official terms of the trade
in were one A for every shotgun,
rifle, or really mean-looking fire
arm, and a B for pistols and other
sissy weapons. Many students
were able to scrounge up 2 to 3 A's
out of their cars and closets, while
others were shocked to find out
that their family heirloom was in
fact a sissy weapon valued only as
aB. While the turnout was large
and enthusiastic (although tear
jerking at times), the event was
marred by scattered theft of guns
from JPS majors by religion ma
jors so that they could turn them
in for the grades, which the reli
gion majors claimed they needed
more badly.
In one case, the effect of the pro
gram was realized immediately.
"See, I was havin' kind of a tough
time, well, a really tough time, in
my Conflict Resolution class",
drawled student Bobby Lee Jeffrey
Jones, "because I just kept getting
See GUNS page 3