16
Next time I check, I hope I'm still sane
BENJAMIN C JOHNSON
staff writer
All I know is: My heart was really pound
ing, and I felt a funny tingling all over .. .1
was either in love ... or I had smallpox.
-Virgil Staikwell
"Take the Money and Run"
I don't have much to say on the topic of
Valentine's Day. Of course, there's always
the cynical, crass and disturbingly bitter side
of my psyche to piece together a little bit of
something:
All right, it's a somewhat pagan holiday
named after a Christian saint (who had his
head separated from the rest of his body)
that has something to do with love and bla
tant commercialism.
If you're into Valentine's Day for the love
part, that's fine. But, for the diamond, flower
and chocolate peddlers, as well as the greet
ing card syndicate ... I have something to
say to you ... especially to the diamond mer
chants.
We were all started young, conditioned
to this secularized, commercial holiday. But,
back then, it was egalitarian, a sort of love
in for grade schoolers: everybody gave ev
eryone else a card and a few of those heart
shaped candies with silly messages on them.
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But, when we get older, this holiday gets
a bit more specific and much more expen
sive.
About the diamonds: we've all seen the
commercials... the sweeping, romantic ads
with shadows dancing around ... "How else
could two month's salary last a lifetime?"
Okay, say you're a guy, married, with
kids ... not very creative in the gift depart
ment ... so you buy your wife jewelry every
time a mandated holiday rolls around. An
niversaries, Mother's Day, Christmas, birth
days, and Valentine's.
Now, that's five. And, let's say you're not
cheap. Let's all do the math. That's ten
month's salary. And the government takes
the rest... because they're greedy and they
need to pay off a really big national debt...
and build a nifty space station.
That's why we have two-income fami
lies. Not because purchasing power has
weakened or inflation or decreasing wages.
No. It's the diamond and flower and choco
late and Hallmark people. They're bankrupt
ing the American family.
But that's just my opinion.
I know this is going to sound excessively
morbid: but, just for a minute, imagine the
incredible amount of time and money that
would have been saved had O.J. Simpson
"blown his brains out" in the back seat of
that Bronco two years, eight months ago.
Sure, there will be a moment or two of
revulsion at the thought of this. I know it's
not a nice thing to wish on another person
(even someone who most probably slaugh
tered two people)... but just think about it
hypothetically for a minute.
More than two and a half years. Thou
sands of hours of news stories, tabloid TV
segments, talk show episodes, commentary
... an entire "CBS Evening News with Dan
Rather" the day the criminal verdict came
in (what, nothing else happened that day?).
Tens of thousands, millions of hours spent
picking at and dissecting the details around
the water cooler, on the Internet, or on Larry
King Live or Charles Grodin's show.
Think of the money spent. Court ex
penses, lawyer's fees (both sides, both tri
als .. more than fifty lawyers and assistants),
the damages awarded last week to the
Goldman family and the estate of Nicole
Brown, the dozens of "commentators" hired
by every news network under the sun, mov
ies-of-the-week, multi million dollar book
deals for anyone remotely connected to the
victims or trials, et cetera et cetera.
My low-ball estimate: Over one hundred
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February 14,1997
million dollars has (or will) change hands
because of the early deaths of two people...
two people who happened to die at the hands
and knife of a one-time football great/"ac
tor'Vrental car salesman/megalomaniac/
wife-beater.
Just think about it. Think of all the time.
Think of all the money. Think how differ
ent, better our lives could have been had
those detectives, trying so hard to pull OJ.
off the proverbial ledge, heard this, live from
the back seat of that Bronco on the L.A. free
ways: "Yo, A.C., I'm gonna do it. Tell 'em
I'm sorry ... and cover your ears... BLAM!"
But, that's just me. That's not the way it
happened.
So, it's basically over (minus a few ap
peals, of course). And, when I'm pushing
50, probably balding (or already bald), there
will be a brief news story ... "O.J. Simpson,
dead at the age of 73, victim of a massive
stroke midway through a par-3 9-hole pub
lic golf course in Arizona." I'll pause, say
something to the effect of "Gee, that's
rough" ... then get back to munching on a
bran muffin and looking for my Rogaine
4000.
Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on.