4
It Came From
the Video Store
BY WILL DODSON
Features Editor
Since you all are new, I sup
pose an explanation is in order. "It
Came From the Video Store" is
your weekly guide to terrible, ter
rible movies. I talk about horror
movies, action movies, porno mov
ies, sci-fi movies, or any other
movie that falls in the all-encom
passing category of crap.
Suggestions are welcome. If
you have a favorite "classic" you
would like to
see advertised
in this column,
please let The
Guilfordian
know. All right,
now to the busi
ness at hand.
We all
know scream
ing, scantily
clad girls are
vital to every
good slasher
movie, and,
further, that
cheerleaders
are the best
kind of scream
ing, scantily
clad girls. Give
me a gaggle of
cheerleaders andVWllfeortadnpEir of
hedge clippers and I'm happy.
This week, I experienced the
pleasures of "Cheerleader Camp,"
yet another knock-off of "Friday
the 13th" with a twist: a fat naked
guy.
That's right, my serendipitous
sisters and brothers. A fat naked
guy.
A cheerleading squad com
prised of four busty girls, the
aforementioned fat guy (clothed,
for now), and the "stud" (wonder
fully cast as an ugly, visibly bald
ing Gloria Estefan roadie) travel to
a cheerleading camp to compete
with other squads from around the
tri-state area. One of the girls is
having terrible nightmares in
which she is sliced and diced with
a set of razored pom-poms.
The foreshadowing of her pre
monitions is strengthened when
her boyfriend, the "stud," begins
flirting heavily with other, simi
larly busty cheerleaders. A third
element of foreshadowing occurs
The Guilfordian Features August 20, 1997
as the cheerleading squad drives
onto the camp grounds. The fat
guy moons all of the campers
through the van window, and gets
his butt stuck. Nothing says doom
is on the way quite like a fat guy's
naked butt.
Sure enough, cheerleaders
start dying. Cops, intrinsically in
effectual, are clueless, so it is up
to our heroine, the girl with the
nightmares, to figure a way to get
out alive. You know, sometimes I
wish I could re
member the
names of these
characters.
"Cheer
leader Camp"
fulfills the basic
requirements
with a fair
amount of nu
dity (in the forms
of topless sun
bathing and gra
tuitous changing
of clothes), and
while the actual
body count was a
little low for my
tastes, the
amount of blood
and the grue-
some nature of
the death scenes (my personal fa
vorite: hedge clippers plunged
through the head to protrude from
the mouth) made up for it.
While this movie offered
nothing spectacularly original, it
did have moments, like when the
"stud" stuffs a washcloth into his
briefs for that extra studly edge,
or the fat guy's death scene (you
wouldn't believe the sheer volume
of his guts), or the movie's best
line, uttered by the weird
groundskeeper when the headmis
tress asks him to "keep an eye" on
the cheerleaders.
"Keep an eye on 'em. All them
pretty young things runnin'
around with all that flesh hangin'
out everywhere. I'll keep an eye
on 'em, you can bet your bloomers
on it." One word, baby. Oscar.
Rating: Cheerleaders! Come
on! Everybody loves cheerleaders!
They're so.. .cheery! And fat guys!
Everybody loves fat guys, too.
Bonus: the fat guy scores! With a
girl!
The Oscars, by the
t IC* ll tery." Whoever directed "R
1 * V-r K. __J
BY WILL DODSON
Features Editor
I never agree with the Oscars.
For one thing, they don't even
have good categories. Who cares
about "Best Cinematographic Use
of Cellophane?"
MTV almost got it right with
their movie award shows. "Best
Kiss," "Best Action Sequence," and
categories of their ilk do matter.
The problem is they let people who
watch MTV call in and vote. You
might call that democracy, but I
prefer to label it "Letting Idiots
Decide Who Wins." Pretty much
the same as the Oscars.
So anyway, here's the way it
ought to be.
Bestest Flick: Even though it
came out in 1996, "Scream" stayed
in theaters long enough to be eli
gible for best movie of '97. Wes
Craven beats the pants off Quentin
Tarantino in the really funny but
really sick category. If you don't
believe me, check out Craven's first
movie, "Last House on the Left."
Second Bestest Flick: "Con
Air." Critics blasted it, saying it
was bloated, for-the-money excess.
So what? Some guy gets his arm
ripped off! Doesn't that make up
for something? Plus, John Cusak,
the king of 80's teen-angst mov
ies, is in it wearing loafers. It rocks.
Best Cleavage. A tie between
Mira Sorvino in "Romy and
Michele's High School Reunion"
and Elizabeth Hurley in "Austin
Powers: International Man of Mys-
It looks great on a resume'.
It's the easiest way to get
involved at Guilford. It's
open to anyone that's
interested.
It's the Guilfordian, and the first meeting is
Monday, August 25 at 7:30 in the Passion Pit (on
the 2nd floor of Founders).
tery." Whoever directed "Romy
and Michele's. . ." managed to
angle the camera down Mira's shirt
in every seen. Thank you. And
Elizabeth Hurley.. .Hugh, Hugh, if
I could only be you. ..
Best Thin Guy Playing a Fat
Hellspawned Demon: John
Leguizamo in "Spawn." No expla
nation necessary. If you've seen
it, you know.
Best Comedy: Mel Gibson's
"Ransom." It's a riot. Especially
the scene in which the little boy
wets his pants. I mean, I know he's
scared and everything, but geez!
What's he drinking?
Best Jackie Chan Movie: "Op
eration Condor!" Jackie wrote and
directed it, which is interesting con
sidering the high female nudity con
tent. Are pornographic kung-fu
movies in the future? Let's hope so!
Bestest Boy in a Movie. Mat
thew Lillard in "Scream." He was
funny.
Bestest Girl in a Movie:
Jeneane Garafolo in "Romy and
Michele's High School Reunion."
She was funny.
Bestest Kid Actor/Actress:
Jonathan Taylor Thomas in "Wild
America." He was terrible, the
movie was terrible, but hey, I've
got to stick with my man J.T.T.
Worst Trend in Moviedom:
Not enough nudity!!!!!!!!!
Predictions for the Villains in
the Next Batman:
Txazy Puberty-Has-Not-Been-
Kind-To-Me Guy," played by Fred
Savage and "Crazy Plastic Boob
Lady," played by Pamela Lee.