8
Vr QAWS FfW THIS Vtpss Sxcms
BY WILL DODSON
Features Editor
It's terribly controversial to say
that men do not understand women. As
much as we'd like to, well, women are
just weird.
They like to talk about feelings, they
want attention, and they hate it when you
stare at their mammalian protuberances.
They tell you they want complete hon
esty at all times, and then ask you if the
pants they're wearing make them look
fat.
I was honest to a woman once. I'm
single.
So how can we understand women?
They don't tell us; they enjoy tormenting
us with their complicated splendor.
Where is the codex of femininity from
which we can learn?
The search is over, my friends.
Bear witness to Sorority House Mas
sacre 2.
This is the primer for all those who
wish to understand what goes in to being
a woman. Just as National Geographic
specials help us understand the behav
ioral patterns of animals, just as World
Wide Wrestling helps us understand men,
Do you remember rock & roll radio?
♦ Kelly and Katherine work hard to provide hard working music for hard working people
BY FRED WILLIAMS
Staff Writer
Turn on WQFS and for the most
part you're going to hear one of two
things: crap or electronic crap.
Breathing fresh air into the stale, pre
tentious, technofied atmosphere of
WQFS is the Kelly and Katherine
Rock & Roll Radio Show.
Hosted by students Kelly White
and Katherine Shrout, with lanky Asa
Archer lending a hand, this show
plays the music people actually want
to hear. In a single sitting one can
be exposed to such musical paragons
as the Pixies, Leonard Cohen, and
Guided by Voices.
The show is dedicated to the
belief that just because a band is well
known doesn't mean it isn't good.
White, sources close to her confirm,
is a huge Rod Stewart fan. White
stated in response to the rumor, '"Of
course he's great. His name is Rod."
Features
so does this cinematic triumph capture
all that is WOMAN.
The resplendence of the Earth
Goddess is
displayed in
all its ostenta
tious glory.
This is it!
This is the
Holy Grail!
This is the
key men have
searched for
since the be
ginning of
time!
A ft e r
viewing this
film, I felt it
my duty, nay,
my DIVINE
MISSION, to
JMIH Hk
Like St. Francis, I like to wash lepers, though I have VERY
different reasons.
PHOTO BY CHRIS CARLSTROM
relate to all the ignorant males out there
just what woman is all about. Here, in
print for the first time ever, are the les
sons every truly sensitive male should
learn:
1. Girls like to get drunk and dance
around naked. Why? Dude, it doesn't
Mr pSH
Can you find the Asa Archer hiding in this photograph?
PHOTO BY STEVE MOORE
matter! They're naked!
2. Girls like to take showers to
gether and whack each other in the butt
with their towels. This is a ritual not
unlike the male habit of bumping chests.
It's their way of saying, "Hello, good to
see you. I, too, am nude and enjoy be
ing exploited by sleazy low-budget hor
ror movie directors."
3. When a woman hears a spooky
Asa Archer,
responsible for
picking out all the
bad pop-punk for
the show, usually
entertains listen
ers with witty
voice breaks.
Archer said
about his music
selection process,
"It doesn't matter
what the hell I
play, as long as the
name [of the
band] sounds cool
and the cover [of
the CD] is inter
esting." He later
claimed to be to
tally incoherent
when he made
that statement.
Katherine
The Guilfordian
February 27,1998
noise, she likes to take her pants off so
she can investigate in her underwear. She
does this specifically so that anyone who
happens to have a video camera can fol
low her closely and examine her wedgie.
4. Women, when confronted with
psycho axe murderers from Hell, always
react the same way: they run to the cor
ner of the room, sit down, and scream
until they are killed.
5. Finally, women, due to their ma
ternal nature, refuse to take advantage
of any opportunity they have to dispatch
psycho axe murderers from Hell. Guns
are thrown away, knives are dropped, and
large lead pipes are passed over in favor
of rule #4.
So there you have it. These, of
course, are only a few of the most im
portant things Sorority House Massa
cre 2 has to teach us. To list them all
would fill hundreds of pages, and possi
bly three issues of Penthouse. Luckily,
this flick compresses everything into an
easy-to-digest 93 minutes. That's a lot
easier than reading, plus everybody's na
ked.
Too bad they're all ugly and made
of plastic.
Shrout adds a zany soulful funk to
the show. Her backwoods spiritual
ity is the core of the group's morale.
Shrout has claimed, "Yeah, my ex
perience in life is all the inspiration I
need. My music is my religion: the
religion of life!"
If you want an island of actual
coolness in the ocean of preening
rock-star wannabees, be sure to
check out Kelly and Katherine's
Rock & Roll Radio Show from noon
to 2 p.m. every Friday.
EARN
S7BO-$ 1800/ WEEK
Raise all the money your student
group needs by sponsoring a
VISA Fundraiser on your campus.
No investment & very little time
needed There's no obligation, so
why not call for information today.
Call 1-800-323-8454 x 95.