10
T\e I>ark Skfe feck\dogical revdita
BY LAURAH NORTON
Features Columnist
I fear technology. It's the
source of all pain and suffering.
Blood-thirsty robots, evil mechanized
am
M# jgfl;
wmm W**
Jo*~
Pencils fear me, as do small dogs.
PHOTO BY AMY ROUSE
arms. Smart Cards, Nintendo
Gamebovs™ —whatever. I have
very bad luck with any/all high-tech
computerized objects. Actually, I
have bad luck with anything that has
moving parts or is made out of metal.
I can't even play with an Etch-a-
Sketch without sustaining serious in
juries.
This ain't paranoia, folks. Tech
nology, as we have seen in countless
cinematic classics (and movies are
just as good as real life), invariably
leads to Armageddon and general
Campus Candid
i&m y' W&L ss,y wksm£*
llMfc^ r fill
: v " r^jj
Wm^M
The new UNION officers appreciate your vote. Next year's Serendipity will
feature Michael Flatley. That'll be sure to vault us back into the top 10 party
schools in the country. God help us all.
PHOTO BY AMY ROUSE
Features
mass destruction.
Think Terminator. Think 2001.
Think Short Circuit.
You shouldn't build things that
can maim/kill/annoy you.
I buy into this
theory wholeheartedly.
It doesn't matter what
form technology comes
in—all of it is evil.
EVIL. There's no real
difference between the
stealth bomber and a
stapler; they're both
made of confusing
metal stuff and can
make you bleed.
Profusely.
Cars are particu
larly frightening cre
ations (or as I like to call
them, Violent Death on
Wheels).
I only have an automobile
'cause it would be real boring to
speed-walk back to Atlanta every
Thanksgiving. The first car I ever
owned hated me (don't know what
kind.
It was black, and had wheels
and stuff.). It seemed to be pos
sessed by ill-tempered demons with
cramps, and tried to kill me on sev
eral occasions.
"Hell-car" broke down only on
frigid winter nights on rural Deliv
era/ice-esque stretches of highways.
The radio only worked after 4:00 (I
swear), there was no air-condition
ing, and heavy metal pieces fell off
at random.
As a crowning glory, the trunk
was tied to the muffler with
humongous cables to keep it shut (in
stant hoopty-hydraulics), and I had
to blast the doorlocks with a hair
dryer every winter to get them open.
Fun!
The blasted thing finally com
mitted suicide on 1-85 at 3 a.m. It
exploded while I was driving (always
unnerving to notice you're on fire)
through the most conservative area
fiU\ As K/ARMER PAYS RETURNED, J SUPPOSE IT SHOULPN'T HAVf\ PeRRJ MAS JUST A YEARLING, BUT
ufl SURPRjSEP ME THAT UE'P SEE OTHER SQUIRRELS MORE OFTa* SHE COXP JUMPLU^EACfiAXHofTfR,
tO OR THAT CHIP M/6HT BEFR/EA/P SOME OF THEM. SHE MUST HAVE BEEN PART CHICKAREE,
If' "TT ~s n 37/ Tin '
'pare PZZ& WAS FRIENM MD6ARRVI&S
'JH" B^TIT PIP SURPRISE ME, MO /T U/AS PIFFICULT NOT TO
&(UJc /VH£A/ %■ MET A LIIC& H£fZ. Bifl T MANA&f-D ThJA 7
fi/f$ x was guar pep a spjeaiqus. Dubious buneveMtNi Gun? wen .
THERE WERE OTHERS, TOO. &1/3 T £VERYPAY THE THREE OF mnHVIHI tfMSE IJ lOAS
WAS A ORAY SQUIRREL WITH . THEM FOUOWEP CHIP UP W FEAR- OF
A SU&HT GIAnPUIAR PRogi&i. \ f S, BARK ANDPOVJN BRICK. fALUNQ.ORHfiI
\ tf/W Z /U-WAyS REFUSEP EE I'D WENT SO
/->. I■r I THEIR IMITATIONS. MVCHVME CVT-
[ I jH SiOETHEOMVm,
A >- ,\ Bflß I, I ' ' EELS tBESIDES
[\ f ( 111 XVf i}\ V CHIP AMP SANFOW) THAI 2 MAS
\J (aL fAkB? \Ny I I RELUCTANT To REJOIN THE GROUP
/ /) HAI&E APART OF ME WAS EVEN
1/J !J —apra/d they h/oulp not mant he.
MIV jJL but my fear, what-
SONJA WAS A BLACK SQUIRREL •- ,f | MAS A SECRET i
U/HC'P BEEN TRANSPORTED AS PART 'SJnS — IT t ' KEPT-EUZH
OF A MIIPUFE RESEARCH PROJECT ANP _Kitl) •Cf ' / " I I FROM
UNCEREHHOOSLY REIEASEP SOON AFTER. - - jT"-"- ' , \ MySEiF.
JMSTEAP OF XVN/N6 THE OTHERS\ S TCHIP TR ' T0 007 . /...YOU LI v£ IN A LITTLE \
r SPENT MORE ANP MORE T/ME //V / &o'*° \ I gt/fiBlS WHERE NOTHIN6 )
SANFORPs LAB. X CONVIHCEP f™ ™E STREAM \ q^ n harm YOU! >C
HYSELF, IF NOT CHIP, THAT My \TO JUMP OFF A RuER. \ > MELL. THERE'S R£M. \
COUARD/CE MAS PRUPENCE ANP MY I &' gc ?- WHY DONTWU | (T*H6£Z OUT THERE, CHIP! )
JUMP \™*WAT CAN KILL YOU! \.
■HnMHHHBHH | PACK THOSE IVQRPS, MOW. )
X THINK THAT MOMENT MAS THE CLOSEST CHIP EVER CAME TO
BEIN& TRULYAN&RY MITH ME. HE &RA3&EP MY SHOULPERS, ANP SAJQ:
■T YOU'RE RIGHT, ARTHUR. IF YOU GO OUT MITH ME ANPSONJA v
WANP 6us ANP PERRI, YOU MIGHT 6£T HURT...BUT EVEN IF YOU
WN£\ER climb mother tree, or jump off a Roof, or run fastanpM
I LEAP OFF A BRANCH, EVEN /F YOU NEVER. OPEN ANO
\BOOK OR. SPEAK TO ANYONE EVER A&AIN, THERE IS I
NOTHING YOU WILL EVER PO THAT MU KEEP !■
from ENDING UP
of town.
Stupid car.
The moral of this story? Com
plicated metal stuff always leads to
destruction and second-degree burns.
Another case of nefarious technol
ogy-
Maybe we should all use nice
plastic things that don't have deto
nators, flashing lights, or a proclivity
for spontaneously bursting into flame.
Like Big wheels.
Big Wheels are nice. They're
stylish, won't catch on fire or and
don't have any sharp edges that can
gouge your eyes out.
That's traveling in style.
The Guilfordian
March 27,1998