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Dark Side Girl turns Gary Young Life exists outside of Denton to take reigns
dirty hippie tries to be funny Guilford? Naaahhh. of basketball team
page 13 page 13 | page 7
l GOOFORDI AN
GREENSBORO, NC
Guilford in violation of Building Code
By Jonathan Carter
REFORMED MOVIE CRITIC
Last week Guilford was vis
ited by members of. the Building
Code Authority, who, after a thor
ough inspection, charged the
school with two violations of the
Code, both of which fell into the
'bizarre urinal' category, which
stipulates that urinals in men's
rooms cannot have odd shapes.
"Normally I'd let something
like this slide by", said Chief In
spector Greg Harvey. "But what
I saw here is just so radically dif
ferent than anything else I've
ever encountered; I had to do
something".
The urinals in question are
located in the men's rooms of
Dana Auditorium and on the sec-
Tragic accident claims
ten shrub-huggers
By roancm
MANAGEMENT MAJOR
Ten dirty hippies who were
taking a break from anti-war pro
testing were killed late yesterday
evening in a disgusting "WINQ"
accident. The dirty hippies had
been protesting by holding signs at
the corner of Guilford College
Road and West Friendly Avenue
for over thirteen consecutive
hours. Investigators believe the
car fumes and food deprivation
which came from holding this ex
tended protest may have hampered
their decision-making faculties.
Around 7 p.m., a rather large con
tingent of the dirty hippies (esti
mated by counterprotesters to be
as large as 30 to 40 strong) headed
down to the area near the Guilford
College lake. There, they began a
dangerously large match of
"WINQ". A WINQ expert, who ob
served the game in question, com
mented that the hippies were not
taking the correct precautions for
playing the game after dark.
From the stench, Guilford se
curity personnel estimated that
none of the dirty hippies killed
had showered since Gary Young
took over as Community Senate
ond floor of King Hall. The
Building Code states that uri
nals should "be fixed to the wall
of the restroom and desirably
stand in a vertical fashion, or
in some way allow patrons...to
press against the apparatus,
thereby lessening the chance
that fellow patrons at adjacent
urinals...see one's urethral
evacuations". The urinals in
Dana are attached to the wall
but were found in violation be
cause they have a bowl-shape,
similar to a toilet, and do not
allow a person to position him
self using the Code's method.
The state of the urinals in
King was a more serious mat
ter. "When I saw them, the first
thing I thought was 'Why are
the toilets there in the middle
President. There is no confirma
tion of the rumor that this was
some sort of protest as well. Sen
ate did hold an emergency meet
ing in response but it lasted only
four minutes.
The faculty had no response
as it simply spontaneously com
busted in one unintelligible, frus
trated, little fit rage.
Soon after the incident oc
curred around 7:30 p.m., rumors
began to circulate around campus
that agents of the Residential Life
Office had infiltrated the protest
group and sabotaged the game of
"WINQ". Early reports had the
Residential Life Office categori
cally denying these charges, but
some dirty hippies took them seri
ously. An impromptu candle-light
vigil is scheduled for 4 p.m. this
afternoon. Most of the hippies in
volved in the tragic game of WINQ
were Binford and Mary Hobbes
residents, as well as a few hard-up
Milner first-years. According to
granola insiders, their numbers
will be bolstered at the vigil by
Shore and Frazier residents, some
of whom will emerge from their
rooms for the first time since the
Please see WINQ, page 2
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This picture is b&w just for Dan and David.
of the floor'"? said inspector Mike
Anacleto. "Then I saw that they
had no lids and realized they
were —and you know I use this
term loosely—urinals. I called
Sid [Hunter] in there and we just
stared, like 'What the hell"'?
Terrorist squirrels
take paper hostage
By a Whole Bunch of People
PRACTICUM SLAVES
Earlier this afternoon the
entire Guilfordian staff was ab
ducted and imprisoned by the fas
cist, McNemarian, terrorist
squirrel army. After a bloody and
relentless attack by the nut
armed squirrels, we were over
taken.
The fight was brutal. They
came at us from everywhere: they
APRIL 1, 1979
These King urinals are not
attached to the wall and were
found in violation of the Code,
but they were also the subjects
of a second charge. According
to the Building Code, a urinal
"cannot have such a pro
nounced bowl shape that one
might mistake it for (and pos
sibly use it as) a toilet. Any uri
nal violating this...qualification
will be deemed bizarre, leaving
its owners subject to charges".
For future reference the
inspectors told the school to
study Subsection J8 of the
Building Code, a 30-page ap
pendix that shows various il
lustrations of proper and im
proper urinals. "And none of
those are as weird as what we
saw"! added Harvey. Guilford
received no other charges,
though the restrooms in the
Underground were criticized for
being "small to the point of hilar
ity".
It is unknown how Guilford
Please see Astrid, page 2
swung down from trees, crawled
out of the garbage cans, and
leaped at us from the "art" in
front of the "art" building. After
suffering many vicious blows to
the feet and shins, we were ren
dered really annoyed.
Next we were tied to the
back of a golf cart and dragged
through the practice football field
(leaving suspicious tire tracks),
Please see Squirrels, page 14
Please
throw this
paper on
the ground.