liBWffBVWI BBSWBS HH TOSWIIB KifBSBiM ■UMBMI Dark Side Girl turns Gary Young Life exists outside of Denton to take reigns dirty hippie tries to be funny Guilford? Naaahhh. of basketball team page 13 page 13 | page 7 l GOOFORDI AN GREENSBORO, NC Guilford in violation of Building Code By Jonathan Carter REFORMED MOVIE CRITIC Last week Guilford was vis ited by members of. the Building Code Authority, who, after a thor ough inspection, charged the school with two violations of the Code, both of which fell into the 'bizarre urinal' category, which stipulates that urinals in men's rooms cannot have odd shapes. "Normally I'd let something like this slide by", said Chief In spector Greg Harvey. "But what I saw here is just so radically dif ferent than anything else I've ever encountered; I had to do something". The urinals in question are located in the men's rooms of Dana Auditorium and on the sec- Tragic accident claims ten shrub-huggers By roancm MANAGEMENT MAJOR Ten dirty hippies who were taking a break from anti-war pro testing were killed late yesterday evening in a disgusting "WINQ" accident. The dirty hippies had been protesting by holding signs at the corner of Guilford College Road and West Friendly Avenue for over thirteen consecutive hours. Investigators believe the car fumes and food deprivation which came from holding this ex tended protest may have hampered their decision-making faculties. Around 7 p.m., a rather large con tingent of the dirty hippies (esti mated by counterprotesters to be as large as 30 to 40 strong) headed down to the area near the Guilford College lake. There, they began a dangerously large match of "WINQ". A WINQ expert, who ob served the game in question, com mented that the hippies were not taking the correct precautions for playing the game after dark. From the stench, Guilford se curity personnel estimated that none of the dirty hippies killed had showered since Gary Young took over as Community Senate ond floor of King Hall. The Building Code states that uri nals should "be fixed to the wall of the restroom and desirably stand in a vertical fashion, or in some way allow patrons...to press against the apparatus, thereby lessening the chance that fellow patrons at adjacent urinals...see one's urethral evacuations". The urinals in Dana are attached to the wall but were found in violation be cause they have a bowl-shape, similar to a toilet, and do not allow a person to position him self using the Code's method. The state of the urinals in King was a more serious mat ter. "When I saw them, the first thing I thought was 'Why are the toilets there in the middle President. There is no confirma tion of the rumor that this was some sort of protest as well. Sen ate did hold an emergency meet ing in response but it lasted only four minutes. The faculty had no response as it simply spontaneously com busted in one unintelligible, frus trated, little fit rage. Soon after the incident oc curred around 7:30 p.m., rumors began to circulate around campus that agents of the Residential Life Office had infiltrated the protest group and sabotaged the game of "WINQ". Early reports had the Residential Life Office categori cally denying these charges, but some dirty hippies took them seri ously. An impromptu candle-light vigil is scheduled for 4 p.m. this afternoon. Most of the hippies in volved in the tragic game of WINQ were Binford and Mary Hobbes residents, as well as a few hard-up Milner first-years. According to granola insiders, their numbers will be bolstered at the vigil by Shore and Frazier residents, some of whom will emerge from their rooms for the first time since the Please see WINQ, page 2 WMBm wUEmm 169 ML J Hi % Jnj This picture is b&w just for Dan and David. of the floor'"? said inspector Mike Anacleto. "Then I saw that they had no lids and realized they were —and you know I use this term loosely—urinals. I called Sid [Hunter] in there and we just stared, like 'What the hell"'? Terrorist squirrels take paper hostage By a Whole Bunch of People PRACTICUM SLAVES Earlier this afternoon the entire Guilfordian staff was ab ducted and imprisoned by the fas cist, McNemarian, terrorist squirrel army. After a bloody and relentless attack by the nut armed squirrels, we were over taken. The fight was brutal. They came at us from everywhere: they APRIL 1, 1979 These King urinals are not attached to the wall and were found in violation of the Code, but they were also the subjects of a second charge. According to the Building Code, a urinal "cannot have such a pro nounced bowl shape that one might mistake it for (and pos sibly use it as) a toilet. Any uri nal violating this...qualification will be deemed bizarre, leaving its owners subject to charges". For future reference the inspectors told the school to study Subsection J8 of the Building Code, a 30-page ap pendix that shows various il lustrations of proper and im proper urinals. "And none of those are as weird as what we saw"! added Harvey. Guilford received no other charges, though the restrooms in the Underground were criticized for being "small to the point of hilar ity". It is unknown how Guilford Please see Astrid, page 2 swung down from trees, crawled out of the garbage cans, and leaped at us from the "art" in front of the "art" building. After suffering many vicious blows to the feet and shins, we were ren dered really annoyed. Next we were tied to the back of a golf cart and dragged through the practice football field (leaving suspicious tire tracks), Please see Squirrels, page 14 Please throw this paper on the ground.

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