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By Will Dodson
FEATURES COLUMNIST
Orson Welles directed and
starred in the undisputed great
est movie of all time: Citizen
Kane. But his career went be
yond overwhelming critical ac
claim. Besides, it's hard to play
"Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon"
from Kane.
Perhaps Welles had that
game in mind when he agreed to
be the voice of Unicron in Trans
formers, the Movie. With other
voices including Robert Stack (as
Ultra Magnus), Leonard Nimoy
(as Galvatron), and Judd Nelson
(as Rodimus Prime), connecting
Orson Welles to Kevin Bacon is
a snap. Judd Nelson, for example,
was in The Breakfast Club with
Molly Ringwald, who was in Six
teen Candles with John Cusack,
who was in Con Air with John
Malkovich, who was in Of Mice
and Men with Gary Sinise, who
was in Apollo 13 with Kevin Ba
con. Pow. Six degrees baby.
Orson Welles to Kevin Bacon.
But I digress. That's not
what it's about. Transformers, the
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Features
Movie is the greatest movie of all
time. It's a timeless tale of loss,
struggle, and ultimate redemp
tion. Hot Rod proves worthy of
the matrix (not Keanu's Matrix but
Optimus Prime's matrix) and
evolves into Rodimus Prime and
then kicks the Decepticons' big
metal asses. It's inspiring.
The only problem I have with
Transformers is that all of a sud
den they have a girl Transformer.
Where did this come from?
They're friggin' robots! There
aren't any girl robots! I mean, the
maid on "The Jetsons," but that's
all. I mean, how do robots repro
duce? I've got all these weird
sexual images in my head now. Do
they get pregnant? She drops a
baby robot out of her crankcase
and lactates oil or something.
And she's pink! What kind of
sexist futuristic robot society is
this? The boy robots are every
color of the rainbow but the girl
has to be pink? Let me tell you
something: nobody respects a gi
ant pink robot who transforms into
a little pink car. Who drives that
sh*t? Barbie? Great. A symbol of
unattainable femininity driving a
pink-ass robot. Susan B. An
thony would spin in her grave.
It's better to have no girl ro-
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In my dreams I'm a Hot Rod, and I kick big
metal asses.
bots at all than to have a stereo
typical token. I mean, they don't
have any gay robots. Although,
now that I think about it, Hot Rod
walks a fine line....
Summer Camp
Employment!
Rock climbing, canoeing,
cabin counselors!
Penn 4-H Center, Reidsville, NC
Contact Terri Arthur
feo oWsicpma
Zack Hample will be signing his book,
How to Snag Major League Baseballs,
on Friday, April 23rd, from 3:00-4:00
in the Guilford College Bookstore.
A short baseball demonstration will be held and
refreshments will be served.
THE GUILFORDIAN
APRIL 23, 1 999
But back to the original point
of this movie being more inspir
ing than Rocky IV (you know, the
one where he
fights the Rus
sian?). Hot Rod
gets in Optimus
Prime's way when
he is fighting
Megatron, and
Megatron kills
Optimus Prime. Hot
Rod is sad, because
he's the moron who
just got the Autobot
leader killed. But
Optimus Prime
opens up his chest
and hands Hot Rod
the matrix before he
dies, and Hot Rod
puts it in his own
chest and becomes
Rodimus Prime, the
new leader of the
Autobots.
Lesson: if you
kill the leader, you
become the new
leader. Where's that McNemar
guy live again?
Anyway, this is the last "It
Came From the Video Store."
Thanks for reading.