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By Jeff Irving, Jon Hicks,
James Fishwick
TOTAL SLIMEBALLS
On March 13th (and again on
the 16th), Jamie Clark, the newly
elected Senate president, went to
his car to find the windows
smashed and the subwoofer sto
len. Both times, a threatening
note was left neatly folded on the
passenger seat and a bomb wired
to the ignition placed under the
hood. Clark suspects that his life
may be in danger.
Authorities believe that
Clark is a target because of the
lack of competition in this year's
Senate elections. There is a wide
spread rumor that two others
were going to run, but that Clark
contacted some friends in the
Mafia to dispatch them before
they could finalize their tickets.
It has yet to be determined
whether the would-be assassin is
connected to one of the "can
celled" tickets or if somebody un
related is fixated on Clark.
"I personally wouldn't care if
he got shot through the head or if
his car was blown up. He may try
to hide it, but he's really a soul
less, cold-blooded criminal," said
sophomore Erin Wamsley. "The
guy had his opponents killed be
fore the competition, enough said.
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GOOPORDIAN
Heaven, NC
Future Senate President in danger of assassination
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Oh yeah, and guys... Don't use my
name. He knows where I live."
The harassment towards
Clark stretches beyond vandal
ism and larceny. He awoke one
morning to find a bloody dog's
head under his sheets. He has
also received voicemail messages
that consisted only of barnyard
animal sounds.
Jamie "Knuckles" Clark de
m m
nies any affiliation with the Ma
fia. When confronted with the
allegations during his daily spa
ghetti lunch, he scowled and said,
"I'm not in the Mafia. Who said I
was? I'll have their kneecaps bro
ken. Hey Vinnie, get rid of this
guy."
Still, he is looking to protect
himself. He now locks his door
when not at home and is sur
By Daniel Fleishman
SOME RANDOM PERSON WE
FOUND ON THE STREET
In a landmark decision, a
judge has ordered Guilford Col
lege President Don McNemar to
remove the evil, incessant grin
from his face. A special electronic
device will be implanted into
McNemar's jaw to uphold the
court's ruling.
The Guilford County judge
advises all students, faculty, and
staff to keep an eye out for semi
smiles that might slip by the jaw
monitor, which has thus far been
untested. If you happen to catch
McNemar committing what is now
an illegal act, you are required to
notify college security or the local
police department immediately.
In delivering his verdict,
Judge Stephen Wright acknowl
April 1, 1666
rounded at all times by mem
bers of his suite. "If anybody
lays a finger on my Jamie, I'm
gonna spoil their good looks!"
said junior Tim LaFollette, who
has recently been "hired" as his
bodyguard. "I don't care, I'll
stand in the bathroom stall with
him and watch him pee and poop
if that's what it takes to protect
him."
edged that the prosecution suc
cessfully proved that McNemar's
perpetual smile is malicious and
unsightly and had a devastating
effect on others. "You obviously
knew of your insidious act, yet
paid no attention to the harmful
effect on the hundreds of defense
less community members," the
judge told McNemar. "You will pay
dearly for your heinous crime."
Months ago, a class action suit
was filed against McNemar, the
prosecution claiming that his chip
munk-cheek smile was causing stu
dent sicknesses ranging from nau
sea to diarrhea and stomach ul
cers. Don McNemar's wife, Britta,
led the prosecution, comprised
predominantly of Guilford College
students, three pro-
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