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March 30, 2001 Asstrologist Extraordinaire brings you Bootyism: Finding Hidden Truth in Your Butt Amanda Wheeler OFFICIAL ON-CAMPUS AJLCHOLZC EVENTS COORDINATOR A new religion is sweeping the na tion. Maybe you thought there was not enough room for more yuppy, new aged spiritual froo froo. Butt no. Welcome to the newest spiritual path to fulfillment, improving and en riching the lives of millions: Bootyism. Bootyism, with a developed base and center in Butte, Mon tana, was originally founded in 1998 by Ophelia Buns and her husband Dr. Hap E. Buns. Hav- ing gained its initial fol lowers via the internet, Boot y i s m has spread far and wide. Pat your way fo glory. Worship within the been criticized by some. Bootyistic church consists of "Bootyism, being Butt-oriented as singing, "I Like Big Butts" and it is, will create a buttriarchy in Frank Family Science Center to be H* Used as a "Glistening Emerald City" Sarah Herndon FORUM EDITOR Look, just past Bauman, it's Emerald City! No, Guilford stu dents, you are not dreaming. Frank Family Science Center has entered the running to become the new Emerald City in the much - antici pated remake of the now classic 1939 movie The Wizard of Oz. "When we created the build ing," says Guilford College Build ing director Lionel Richie, "We were certainly reaching somewhere over the rainbow. The fact that the tiles in the bathroom make no pre tense of matching each other and the vaulted ceilings, painted ma roon and blue, creep most people out was not a mistake. We went to the edge of Quaker design. W r e wanted to be noticed, to attract stu dents." What they got was Frank Family Science Center, a 54,000- square-foot building planned "from features "Jump. Shake Your Booty" being among the more traditional hymns, and the ritual eating of le- . S '' •' . • trine, and some have been known to encourage, in fits of religious fa naticism, speaking in Butts. Other Bootyistic churches, especially in the inside out" to "support Guilford College's unique vision of science edu cation," according to its description on the web-page. Now it has been one of five "unique" buildings located in colleges across the coun try that MGM might use for its upcoming film. Guilford now has to convince them that the building could suit their needs, which have likewise been described as "unique." It is not enough to offer the building, though. Guilford stu dents are encouraged to "come to gether as a community" and help make the school more desirable. Therefore, the biology department has been working nonstop to locate all the brains and hearts that the pro ducers might need. Jonathan Malino's I lie Goofordian gumes in or der to release the spirit and song of the Butt. Some of the more radi cal churches, however, also incorporate Butt handling (much like snake han dling although not at all), to display ex treme faith in the Butt doc- the southeastern United States, encourage reli gious worship via "booty" dancing in which mem bers shake and occasion ally rub rumps. Based on worship of the Butt, this religion has Physics students, Bio majors, and Chemis try crackheads , oh my! &L--. £-■' 2Pl f V* '••- M Grat S' metrienasanamakeacnain " our society. It is dan gerous," said reli gion ex pert Bud Tocks. The Buns, however, deny such claims. "The Butt has a spirit all its own. We have denied its original power and unique expression for centuries," said founder Ophelia Buns. "Its time we all touched ... got in touch with our Butts and our inner booty." The crux of the re ligious cel ebration comes in early August when Uranus can be viewed on the edge of the horizon. The Uranus Celebration is held annually in Butte, the veritable mecca of Bootyism. The spirit of the season, however, was Bootyism, weekly meetings will slightly marred last year when a be held in the Butt ...errrr, the naughty youth broadcast "The Hut. Philosophy 100 class has been prom ised extra credit if they can discover "courage." Winged monkeys, of course, are known to live in the base ment of King. The brunt of the work, however, falls to the Physical Plant, ■ can be used for the witch's tower and the wizard's throne room, but it's just i not green enough," says Weeks. "And we would have to tear down Binford to plant a deadly poppy field.'' Tearing down Binford has been, all along, the most controver sial part of the plan. As part of the There alwavs seems to be a lot of bootv in this section who would have to reno vate the "plain" build ing. "Yeah, well, the building does have spooky angles, and many "multi purpose rooms" that Page 3 Thong Song" at the celebration. The youth was later spanked. Despite this obvious show of disrespect for the Butt (thongs are considered a sacrilege by the Bootyists too much chaffing), last year's Uranus Celebration drew quite a large crowd. "Last year, over 250 people and 500 cheeks all came out to Butte to cel ebrate Uranus. H 11 was EH ° bootyful," said w ßoot y i st "Seymour > J g Rump. To encourage knowledge and exploration of the Butt and plan, Guilford will not admit a first year class, as they have done every year since the college's founding. Many students have expressed con cern. "Yeah, I'm thinking 'what about community;' and 'we should have a forum," stated a sophomore student who preferred to be named only as "Sarah". Others, however, who are apathetic about Binford Hall's be ing destroyed cite the wildly-popu lar substance-free section of Bryan Hall. Residential life states that, though the deadline for getting a suite is fast approaching and no one has applied for the substance free suites, they are expecting "at least two" applications for the seven substance-free suites. One student, who prefers to remain anonymous, agrees with the proposed deal with MGM stat ing, "Yeah, this makes about as much sense as, like, a Subway. It's about time we staged a revolution and made Guilford less quaint."
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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March 30, 2001, edition 1
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