Feb. 25,2005
www.guilfordian.com
Katharsis: The crippling disease of lawsuit-itis
Kathy Oliver
Forum Columnist
Barenaked Ladies came on the
radio the other day. I hate the
Barenaked Ladies. So I'm suing the
radio station.
Hey, dont laugh at me, dumbass law
suits are all the rage these days.
Apparently anyone and everyone are
responsible for catering to my own per
sonal wants and needs. The world does
revolve around me, after all.
You see, I've recently succumbed to a
worldwide epidemic of self-absorbed
stupidity. Its symptoms include a lost
sense of all logic, expecting everything
to go your way, and throwing a tantrum
when it doesnt. This is a very serious ill
ness that often manifests itself in inces
sant whining and legal proceedings.
Here are some examples:
A Florida woman sued Universal
Studios for emotional distress on the
grounds that their "Halloween Horror
Nights" attraction was "too scary." The
Orlando theme park really should have
been more specific in their title. They
should have known that "Horror Nights"
could have been interpreted to mean
"Not Scary At All" by certain individuals
Daze of
Campus life
Rachel Chaff in
Cartoonist
...rs. oOT 4frEO -BY
T 9^°
suffering from this ill-
ness.
A California man
sued two Las Vegas
hotels and casinos for
allowing him to gamble
away his money while
he was intoxicated.
True, drunken mistakes
are what give Las
Vegas its charm, and
without them the city
would collapse into
itself and cease to
exist, but that doesn't
mean the alleged
drunks should have to
suffer the conse-
quences of their
actions.
Last summer in Colorado two reckless
seventeen-year-old girls thought it would
be a "nice" idea to bake batches of
cookies and leave them on their neigh-
bors' porches with notes that read,
"have a great night!" One neighbor sued
the girls for $9OO in hospital bills after
the shock of the vicious invasion gave
her an anxiety attack. Damn hoodlums
delivering cookies. They could have
Last month an Ohio man filed a law-
suit against NBC for a segment on Fear
Factor that involved eating dead rats.
His handwritten lawsuit complained that
the images made him physically ill and
caused dizziness that led him to walk
into a doorway and hit his head. He's
asking $2.5 million, and with good rea-
FORUM
wjj V ~1
_ I
SETH VAN HORN/GUILFORDIAN
'Katharsis' Kathy Oliver
good enough. They need to stop creat-
ing material that certain viewers may
find offensive. Some might call that cen-
sorship. I call it damage control.
These are just a few illustrations of
what can happen when this illness is not
properly addressed. While there
is no known cure, and treatments
are still being developed, there
are two options, very different in
to deal with someone afflicted
with this condition.
One is to tell them to quit their
damn whining. Remind them that
they don't always get what they
want, but that ifs no reason to be
such a sniveling little crybaby. It
might help to point out what an
embarrassment they are to their friends
and loved ones. Sometimes a simple
punch in the mouth will do the trick, but
be careful: they may turn around and
sue you.
The second option is more a means
of prevention and should be reserved
for extreme situations. It involves stand
ing perfectly still in one place, not
speaking, eating, drinking, or breathing.
The idea here is to avoid doing anything
that might offend the infected person(s).
Sure, you may die from lack of food,
water, or oxygen, but sometimes the
only way to avoid offending some of
these dingbats is to be dead,
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go
pursue my lawsuit against the radio sta
tion. Or maybe I should sue Barenaked
Ladies for making such crappy music.
son * To He " wittl
free speech and
"changing the
channel;" that
bruise on his
head probably
really hurt!
Seriously,
bumping your
head sucks, did
n't they think
about that?
Reality show
producers need
to take the faint
of heart into
account. Those
disclaimers at
the beginning of
the show aren't
Or maybe I could sue the mothers of the
band members or giving birth to them!
And once I'm done with that, I'm going
to sue all the other courtroom-addicted
morons of the world for infecting me
with this crippling disease. 3€
. 1 . .''''''J 1 ' 1 '""
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