April 22, 2005
Www, guiltor dian. com
Katharsis: 'A final hurrah' or 'Yeu made me do it'
Kathy Oliver
Forum Columnist
Ok, people, this is my
last stop. After com
mencement on May 7, my
presence and this column will
no longer be a part of
Guilford. In light of that, I
could use this space for
sappy sentiments of what a
valuable experience this has
been, but where's the fun in
that?
Instead, I'm going to clear
things up for some of the
morons who take themselves
too seriously to figure it out.
There seem to be people out
there who think I have this
inherent hatred for all organ
ized groups. But that would
make me an anarchist, and
they're morons too - a good
percentage of them, anyway.
You see, it's not any group or
cause that bugs me; it's the
type of person I've been
addressing. Really, this col
umn has been about the
same thing week after week
while using some group as a
starting-off point.
Passing laws that don't make a difference
Cory Williams
Staff Writer
Congress is struggling to lower
the United States' reliance on
foreign oil.
That is, they were struggling with
said problem, but they just came up
with a brilliant solution.
According to CNN, Congress is
going to vote on an energy bill that
will extend daylight-saving time by
two months. This will solve all of our
energy problems.
Currently, daylight-saving time
lasts from the first Sunday of April to
the last Sunday of October.
With the proposed change, it will
encompass the first Sunday of March
to the last Sunday of November.
During these two new additional
months, people will go to bed earlier
(remember that the clocks get set
ahead in the spring) and thus, save
more energy.
The best part of this bill is its bipar
tisan nature. Fred Upton, a republi
can from Michigan, and Ed Markey, a
Is every pharmacist a dum
bass? No; just the ones who
refuse to do their jobs. Is
every feminist an embarrass
ment to womankind? Of
course not; just the ones who
hurt the cause. Is every blog
ger on the net a pathetic
loser? Only the ones who use
it as substitution for actual
human interaction.
And what about more
"Guilfo-centric" issues - is
everyone living in a dorm an
inconsiderate slob? No (but
damn, there are a lot of
them). Is every person who
puts together a public display
of expression a nuisance to
the rest of us? Just the ones
that don't know what they're
doing. And being drunk does
n't make you a pain in the
ass; being a stupid drunk
does.
So with that out of the way,
what is it about the people I
focus on that makes them so
damn unlikable? Think about
it: girls kidnapping them
selves, women turning femi
nism into their own pet proj
ect, pharmacists forcing their
democrat from Massachusetts,
cosponsored it.
It's good to see that, when faced
with a difficult challenge like our
energy crises, congressmen can
learn to overstep party lines and
come together, for the better of all
society.
And it's good to see a practical
solution proposed. Instead of wasting
time trying to develop alternative
energy sources or increasing regula
tions on SUVs, we cut right to the
chase: decrease the amount we of
oil we use.
We use, on average, 20 million
barrels of oil everyday. Now, with all
the oil we'll save not turning on
lights, we will only use 19.99 million
barrels everyday, according to
Transportation Department esti
mates.
Congress declaring an extra two
months of daylight will surely see us
through this energy crisis.
Why stop here? Why not pass a
law making it bright and sunny for 18
hours everyday. Then, we would use
FORUM
morals onto their customers.
These are people who push
all the written and unwritten
laws of social interaction and
human decency aside
because what they want to do
is somehow more important.
This didn't start out as my
m I
Mfc ■ 1 -iTTTW—B
SETH VAN HORN/GUILFORDIAN
'Katharsis' Kathy Oliver
pet peeve. At first it was sim
ply a fascination. "How does
someone grow up to be like
that? How have they not yet
been lobotomized on pure
principle? Who raises these
people?" And as time went
on, and it became clearer to
me just how many people like
even less oil.
There's no reason to stop there
either. If we make a law that says the
temperature must remain a constant
72 degrees, all the time, we won't
really need heat or air-conditioning.
We would save hundreds of thou
sands of dollars on oil.
The best part: these laws would
easily pass through the House and
the Senate. Who wants to vote
against the Sunny Day Act? What
about the Perfect Climate Act?
Our politicians have incumbency
rates ranging from 83 to 95 percent
(depending on district and if they
work in the Senate or the House).
They are smart enough to know that
voting against these acts would be a
political disaster.
Would you reelect a senator who
voted against the Sunny Day Act? I
didn't think so.
With all the money we save, we
could invest in something new.
Maybe we could figure out how to
give brain transplants to
lawmakers. 9€
this there are in the world, my
question remains, "how does
that happen?"
I don't have an answer, only
a theory, though I'm pretty
sure I'm right about it: some
one told them they were spe
cial when they shouldn't have.
Whether it was their therapist,
a parent, someone trying to
get lucky, or their own sub
conscious, I've decided that
the only way for a person to
become this disgustingly self
assured, is for someone to
put cockamamie illusions of
awesomeness into their
heads.
So for my last installment
as the Forum columnist in
The Guilfordian, I'm going to
correct the wrongdoings of
those who put morons on
self-indulgent power trips and
call it a good deed.
You're not special. You're
not important; you're not even
that smart. You're not des
tined for greatness and you're
not a born leader. Your agen
da is no more important than
anyone else's, and the fact
that you think it is makes it
Greensboro. N.C
even less important and sets
you down another notch on
the food-chain. Your views on
politics, socialism, human
nature, art, the environment,
etc. are just opinions, and
everyone has them. Stop
thinking that the world some
how benefits from you running
your mouth. You're just a per
son.
If people don't like you, and
you find yourself automatically
assuming that they're the
ones with the problem, then
you just go on thinking that
and see how far it takes you.
If you think that people just
don't get you, that you're too
mature, intellectual, or deep
for the general public to com
prehend, you're wrong.
Really, your personality just
sucks. Get a new one.
It's because of people like
you that I started this damn
column. And it just so hap
pens to be people like you
that hate my column. Would
you look at that? No one to
blame but yourselves.
Peace out.3€
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