Nov. 10, 2006
FORUM
Page 7
www.gmlfordian.com
Greensboro. N.C.
The Lobotomy Review:
Popularity of condoms at Guilford leads to extinction of rubber tree
By Pete McGuire | staff writer
Have you ever tried to buy tires for your
car? Do you have 250 extra dollars? No?
Me either. And you know why? Condoms.
Guilford students' use of condoms has
driven the latex market to dizzying heights
that are impossible to support. Guilford's
core value of free love has led to condoms
becoming more popular than pants, socks,
and baseball caps combined.
Look at our school newspaper for in
stance. The health center decided to re
strict the number of condoms given out on
a daily basis in order to protect the dwin
dling rubber tree populations of South
America, and the newspaper (the student
body) was up in arms immediately. There
is a major inconsistency here that our cam
pus is unwilling to address. Why aren't we
willing to have unprotected sex in order to
save the rubber trees?
Why should we even care about the
rubber trees? What about biodiversity?
None of this matters as long as we get
our condoms. The advent of the "Rusty
Trombone," the "Jackson Pollack," and the
"Rodeo" as sexual practices have resulted
in the use of multiple condoms for every
one sexual act engaged in by Guilford stu
dents. Just think about it: there are absti
nent people in China that can't even use
one condom and here we are using seven
for every sexual escapade. The rubber-tree
god will never forgive us for this.
The government on the other hand is
engaging in a major cover-up of this con
spiracy. They would have us believe that
rubber trees are not extinct and that the la
tex industry is actually quite healthy. Why
then, Mr. Politician, do tires for my car cost
upwards of 250 dollars? Pound for pound
I can buy that much crack for cheaper and
crack is illegal.
I would never have discovered this
problem if it weren't for Guilford College's
overcrowded housing situation. Thanks to
this lack of space, many Guilford students
have been forced to move far away from
campus. Off-campus housing has led to a
huge increase in driving, thus adding wear
to tires. And when tires wear, students are
forced to buy new ones, which is exactly
what happened to me only a month ago.
No big deal right? Wrong! You see, before
safe sex, tires were cheaper than a hand job
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my I can't even think about new tires with
out turning some tricks myself.
I blame Guilford. The administration
won't take a stand against condom use
because they are in bed with the liberal
media, and the liberal media won't take
a stand because they are in bed with the
Government. The Government, in turn, is
in cahoots with the latex industry, and the
latex industry doesn't care about saving
the rubber trees as long as they can make
a buck off their extinction. Here is an is
sue where Guilford students could make a
difference. We lead the. world in the con
sumption of condoms. If we could only
stop that consumption, the rubber trees
might survive
Everyone's in bed with everyone else on
this issue which might help explain why
everyone thinks condoms are so impor
tant. No one is looking out for the rubber
trees, and the rubber trees (if there are any
left) are rooted to the ground so they can't
climb in the bed. It's time for Guilford stu
dents to take a stand -to commit ourselves
to unprotected sex.
"Copulate!" the government seems
to be telling us, but make sure to use a
condom. Who'd have thunk that these
fear tactics are supporting the systematic
slaughter of rubber trees? Furthermore,
educated people seem to be those most set
on safe sex, but while they are promoting
it, they seem to be slowly disappearing.
Through a commitment to unprotected sex
we could save the rubber trees; but at the
same time, educated people would start re
producing and having smart babies. Folks,
we could save the world if we weren't so
damn scared of VD.
VD is the big bad wolf of college life,
and the big bad wolf won't let you go out
to play in the wild woods of unprotected
intercourse. But if there is one thing that
we all should have learned in kindergar
ten, it's that the big bad wolf doesn't exist.
That's right, VD is just a figment of your
imagination, an invention of the latex in
dustry to have you buy their little rubber
socks.
Don't get sucked into the hype. The
liberal media wants you to believe that
without condoms the world is lost. Fight
back. Sow your wild oats. This is college,
dammit!
Senate Corner
By Tim Scales | Senate President
This week. Senate approved a proposal for a group of students to travel down to
Georgia to participate in the annual School of the Americas vigil.
Each year, a contingent of Guilford students take part in this major demonstration
against the SOA (recently renamed the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Co
operation), a U.S. military organization that has been accused of major human rights
violations. In the past, this trip has been funded by the campus chapter of Amnesty
International, an international human rights organization.
However, this year, neither Amnesty International nor GANe (the Guilford Action
Network, an activist organization) are clubs. No one stepped in to take over club lead
ership after several very involved students graduated, and thus the clubs have become
defunct.
For a college at which we pride ourselves on our commitment to social activism, this
is disappointing. If we are fo maintain our reputation for being a school thats hot for
social conscience," we need organizations to help encourage and support student activ
ist efforts.
That being said, there is now a void in student clubs for an organization focused spe
cifically on student activism. If anyone is interested in re-starting one of these clubs, or
founding a new club dedicated to organizing students around social causes, I encourage
you to do so. Come talk to Senate, and we'll help you get that process started.
As always, I encourage you to bring to Senate any issues, concerns and suggestions
you might have. We meet every Wednesday night at 7:00 p.m. in Boren Lounge.
Finally, if you are plarming on submitting a proposal this semester, please turn it in
to Senate by 5:00 p.m. on Nov. 15. Due to time constraints, proposals received after this
date won't be reviewed until next semester. For more information, please email senate®
guilford.edu.
CORRECTION
Last week’s article, “Gilbert Awards honor initiative,” incorrectly identified
assistant professor of English Heather Hayton as “the Gilbert Award direc
tor.” In actuality, the awards are administered under the direction of Irene
Harrington, Director of Career and Community Learning.
The Guilfordian regrets the error.
The Guilfordian strives for accuracy in its reporting. Please report any
mistakes to Editor-in-Chief Matt Haselton at mhaselto(^guilford.edu