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FhMc Safan aipulilic nuisance?
By Sam Jenkins
Staff Writer
It's Sunday and you're hung over. You'd
like to sit around and make fun of your
roommate all day, but you have to pick
up Grandma for her doctor's appointment.
Again. So you stumble out of Bryan, hawk
some nasty loogies, and go out to fire up
the Plymouth — only you can't find it any
where. Better call Gammy, because Public
Safety has stolen your car. Your day is going
to suck.
Last school year alone, 3,843 parking tick
ets were written, generating $65,648 for the
school. That's a lot of dough.
"What if you saw a Public Safety officer
driving a golf cart with like, dope-ass rims
and a really nice stereo," pondered junior
Hannah Thresher, "You'd know it was a
good year for parldng tickets." Real mature,
Hannah.
One student who fails to find any humor in
this sad state of affairs is junior Henry Wells,
a victim of over-zealous Public Safety.
It started with $100 tickets for "parking an
unregistered vehicle."
"I had my car registered and everything,
but the stupid sticker kept falling off my
window," Wells said. Thinking the school
would drop the fines after he set them
straight, he didn't worry about the first few
tickets.
By the ninth ticket. Public Safety put a
boot on his car to force him to pay $900.
"I told this Public Safety lady my story
and she laughed at me," Wells said.
Public Safety didn't seem to care that
Wells didn't have the money for his bogus
tickets, and they had his car hauled off
campus to a caged-lot. The bill was given
to Wells.
"I felt like my car was being held for ran
som," said Wells. "The worst thing about the
"The worst thing about the situation was that every
time 1 went down to try and with P-Safe, they
wouldn't show any compassion at all and almost
seemed proud of what they were doing."
situation was that every time I went down
to try and reason with P-Safe, they wouldn't
show any compassion at all and almost
seemed proud of what they were doing.'
Wells eventually worked out a communi
ty restitution program, but only after weeks
of pleading and reasoning. He was given
120 hours of work.
I, too, have suffered abuse from Public
Safety's parking enforcement.
I drive an old car, a 1971 Plymouth Satellite
(bada-, I know). It's my prized possession,
my baby, the only thing I own that I really
care about and love. I have put so much
work into that car, not only the work I had
to do to buy it, but also on its engine and
what not.
Last year I got a little bored during the fall
and decided to freshen up my old engine.
It was a bigger job than I had expected,
and took several weeks of labor in the cold
parking lot. But everyday I was out there
working away. One day I went out to work
on it and it wasn't there. I freaked out. I
found out that Public Safety had taken it.
I wasn't making a mess. I had paid for a
parking spot. But they just assumed it was
"abandoned," something it will never be as
long as I am alive.
When I got the car back, all my greasy
tools and parts (that I had tastefully placed
underneath my car) were thrown in the back
seat. An air conditioning compressor was
wedged behind the driver's seat making a
giant hole in the fabric.
"According to the parking regulations
vehicles cannot be abandoned on campus,"
said Director of Public Safety Ron Stowe
after I asked why my car was towed. "For
issues of safety and appearance, we don't
want to create an environment with aban
doned vehicles lying around."
In other words, when prospective stu
dents and their rich parents are touring
Guilford, we don't want the school to look
like a bunch of poor, greasy kids are running
around in broken down Mopars, much less
actually working on them.
Stowe and his cronies take this parking
ticket game pretty seriously.
When asked if he ever feels as though the
parking enforcement policies at Guilford are
a little harsh, Stowe replied with one word,
"No."
What "Public Safety" needs to consider
is what type of school Guilford is, what it is
supposed to stand for and the principles on
which it is founded upon: friendship, com
passion, all that Quaker stuff — not making
money at the cost of the community.
But until that happens, try putting an
old parking ticket underneath your wipers
every time you park. That way, the Maroon
Marauders will think another officer has
already given you a ticket, and will roll on
by in one of their pimped-out golf carts.
Lightning Bolt, an all-natural alternative for all-nighters
By Tim Cox
Staff Writer
All-nighters: staying up all night, get
ting little or no sleep in order to finish a
paper or project. We all do it (at least that s
what I tell myself so I feel better).
It's not always easy, though. Fatigue
overtakes the best of us, even this early
in the semester. Once you've spent three
hours staring at the one paragraph you've
written on that computer screen, it can be
hard to find the will and energy to keep
going.
It's a slippery slope. A lot of students,
feeling that they can't do it alone, turn to
coffee. From there, it's not far to energy
drinks or even pills.
"It's not a big deal, I just need a little
extra energy," a student might say. Probably
to themselves, since they're sleep-deprived
and hopped on caffeine.
There have been concerns raised about
the health effects of energy drinks. Do
Guilford students really want to be putting
all those chemicals in their bodies?
There is an alternative to the chemical
laden Amp; to Redbull; to Rock Star. And
what's most amazing? It has an even more
awesome name: Steven Seagal's Lightning
Bolt.
It is "A natural energy drink packed
with vitamins and exotic botanicals, as
Steven Seagal's disembodied head tells us
from the front of the can.
Yes, that's Steven Seagal, Aikido master
and star of such action films as Above
the Law," "Hard to Kill," and "On Deadly
Ground" (known for its environmental
message and groin-centered violence). No,
Tm not making this up; he has his own
brand of energy drink.
This is no ordinary energy drink.
According to the can, "This long lasting
energy elixir is made with ingredients
from all over the globe." That's right,
Steven Seagal hand-picked the ingredients
for the "herbal tonic blend" during his
many travels.
Aside from being the first energy drink
to be 100% all-natural juice, its claim to
fame is a unique ingredient, Tibetan goji
berries.
"There's no such thing as goji ber
ries," said Assistant Professor of Religious
Studies and intrepid world-traveler Eric
Mortensen.
Well, I guess we'll never know what
Tibetan goji berries are, but that's not
important. What is important are the two
questions to ask regarding any energy
drink. Does it work, and does it taste
"Any student who takes this to stay up late is a fool I say, a fool.
That's nuts. It's wiser to snort Pixy Stix than to drink this."
Eric Mortensen, assistant professor of religious studies
good?
Well, according to www.lightningdrink.
com, the beverage's official Web site,
Seagal's invention "holds untold natural
power." So, that answers the first ques
tion.
An all natural herbal blend sweetened
with evaporated cane juice crystals has to
taste good, right?
"It tastes like really flat, old root beer.
But like, with some kind of magic in
there. It's really scary, I want more," said
Mortensen. "It's carbonated! That's hor
rible! Why would they do that?"
So, we'll say the jury's still out on the
taste. But just as the "Chi" symbol on the
front of the can promises. Lightning Bolt
"provides you with the TRUE ENERGY
you need."
"Tm feeling particularly awake now. I
think I'm feeling power coursing through
my veins," Mortensen said while staring
at his hands.
So is Lightning Bolt the all-natural alter
native we've been waiting for?
"Any student who takes this to stay up
late is a fool I say, a fool," said Mortensen.
"That's nuts. It's wiser to snort Pixy Stix
than to drink this."
I asked him if the exotic botanicals wor
ried him. "No, it just tastes awful! Plus you
could end up with untold powers."
Even the bargain price of one dollar
wasn't enough to convince him.
"Clearly the great weight of evaluation
of this drink rests on whether or not it
would be wiser to snort a dollar's worth
of Pixy Stix. And I think it would be," he
said.
If you want to try Lightning Bolt for
yourself, you will probably have to head
to Wal-Mart (which I don't endorse in
any way; please, don't hurt me). Look for
Steven Seagal's face. You can't miss it.